I mentioned sort of as an aside in my last post about how I took Adaline to the 6 year old Pony Party and that I felt that it was actually a breakthrough for me that the biggest issue I had with the situation was that I had to recognize my inadequacies as a parent. Realize please that this is in contrast to the anxieties that I was having prior to the party about potentially having unsettling thoughts about Adaline’s disabilities, or how I’m probably the only mom there with one breast.
The past 3 weeks have been difficult in some ways, and that breakthrough got me thinking about why. It’s because, I’m not only getting back to the great things in life like having more energy, running again, and being able to do fun stuff with friends and family,
I’m also getting back to everyday life and everyday problems that people just have: Insecurities about parenting, scheduling errors, work issues, minor injuries, or communication exigencies in marriage. I realize now that I am simply out of practice with many of these everyday things. It’s sort of like for the past year the “daily grind” has been on hold in order for me to focus on Cancer Treatment. In some ways, dealing with a life threatening situation is simpler. It is more black and white, and in many cases you have no choice, or have little control over your course. The complexities of relationships and daily life seem to happen around you.
While a life threatening cut may be more emergent (as in the case of sharkboy…another story), it’s very possible that it not be more painful or even difficult to deal with than a superficial scrape. With a deep cut, it is clear what to do. Call the ambulance, go to the hospital, get stitched up and stay off of the thing until it heals. No guilt, no doubt, no remorse. With a scrape, it is often more complex. You get up (from your fall) wash it off and go on with your day. You may wonder all day if the thing is getting infected, or if you should do more about it, but you can still go on with your daily routine, for the most part, until you try that one thing, like kneeling, for example, that causes severe pain or irritation. You may even have guilt associated with complaining about the pain of such a minor situation. With a scrape you’ve received no assistance, and likely little family support or sympathy. You’ve doctored the thing on your own the best you know how, yet you may have trouble sleeping at night due to pain from the covers. The person dealing with a severe cut is likely sleeping like a baby with prescription pain medicine.
Now that I am becoming more aware of my re-entry into active participation in life and it’s everyday intricacies, I am going to try to be more aware of my surroundings and how people and actions are interrelated. I’m going to try to pace myself, stay focused, and re-learn to lift my feet.
On the physical recovery end of things, I do, at times, not feel totally sloggish while running. I now have brief interludes, very brief, of feeling O.K. during a run. My Red Blood Count is still Low, and my pecs, lats and triceps are still very tight,. My pecs are forming some sort of myofascial knot just above the axilla that i sometimes confuse for the port, which is on the other side. The radiation burn has long since healed, but still looks like a deep tan. My hair continues to grow. My left knee hurts like a burn from this scrape from falling during a "road" run, of all things :).