Ballotable

The past few weeks has been quite a "BALLOTABLE" time period. ( I'm now using this word to describe ups and downs, or periods of mixed or unsteady emotions.) Last week I blogged about my toenail while I was processing the situation.

I'll start with my last Doctor's appointment/Herceptin chemo treatment 3 weeks ago.  At that visit the doctor started me on the Tamoxifen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamoxifen. Short exerpt from the blog that week:

 I am scheduled to be on this drug for 5 years. Sounds overwhelming, especially when the doctor and the pharmacist review the side effects…” some people just don’t feel good…” said the doctor. “Like what”, I said… ”well, it could be a whole host of things…you’d have to go to the PDR (Physician’s Desk Reference) to see them all”, he says…”Greeaat”, I thought to myself. Of particular note is the possible WORSENING HOT FLASHES, Increased Risk for Blood clots and therefore possible pulmonary embolism which could lead to death, increased risk of endometriosis and endometrial…you guessed it…CANCER.

Due to the above, i began to have some severe anxiety about taking this drug, and i did what I have kept myself from doing for the past 7 months, or so.......GOOGLING!  I continued to become increasingly upset about the cancer risk and the worsening hot flashes, especially in the light that my previously HORRENDOUS HOT FLASHES had pretty much subsided.  Due to this stopping of the HHFs, i figured that  i was now POST Menapausal.  This assumption heightened my skepticism about the Tamoxifen being the right drug for me.   I also began to think about how, up to this point, all of the chemo drugs (toxins) i had taken so far had been administered by someone else.  I've mentioned many times before that I've had an extreme aversion reaction to the chemo drugs and the cancer treatment building.  While i understand on one level that these drugs (were and) are saving my life, there is just an animal instinct that  i have that tells me it is NOT good for me.  But, for those drugs there were appointments, doctors, nurses, and family and friends,  all there supporting this act of me taking these drugs.  This time, i began to realize, it would be up to me to administer this "toxin", all on my own and i just wasn't sure i could do it.  I decided to take a week to think about the drug and to try calling the oncologists office to get some more encouragement to go ahead and take the drug.  During this "break" week, i began feeling not only anxioius, but also very randomly emotional.  This emotionality was upsetting me and confusing me at the same time.  Considering the cancer and everything, i've been surprisingly, and notedly level (even keel, if you will) emotionally for the past 9 months.  My severe HOT flashes had replaced any emotional ups and downs i MIGHT have had in years past.   But, my hot flashes had diminished drastically since the end of radiation, and I was actually starting to feel a bit more normal with increased energy levels at times due to slowly rising blood counts.  So, why now, have i thought to myself for the first time in over 9 months..."Does HE (Richie) REALLY love me".  It had all been so clear, and i'd believed it without a doubt for the past 9 months that he DID. On the second night of having this thought of doubt creep into my head, i woke in the middle of the night crying.  VERY odd.  I can't really even remember the last time i cried. (Oh, yes.  I did cry the night before my mastectomy.) Probably about 1/2 of you have already figured out where this is headed.  YES.  The morning after i woke crying, I was gushingly informed that I was PRE-MENAPAUSAL AGAIN!! DAMN IT!!!  It now all made sense.  The increased anxiety, the emotional lability, and later that evening, my moment of creative genius which borne unto it a new spectacular dessert that i named "caudled chocolate".   

It's as if i've been given a looking glass (what is that anyway?) that has allowed me to see the menstrual cycle from both sides.  It's almost creepy.  It's like a Twilight Zone Episode.  A woman moves in and out of inexplicable emotional zones.  A given scene plays out over and again with different emotional angles, or, emotional stability, portrayed.  The emotional stability zone (Menapause) teaches her how to better view and understand the other zones when she returns.

Back to Ballotable.   My menstural Cycle bounced back, and I, of course, had MIXED feelings about it.  Part of me felt good to be home again, part of me was/is very frightened that these hormones that we've spent the better part of the past year killing, are back, and part of me is upset that now i'll have to go through the Menapause Again....very possibly on a continual basis for the next 5 years.

Now, back up to today.  I'm back to the GawdAwful Place (GAP for those who follow closely).  Things went well today.  The nurse practitioner was not upset that my period started.  She was happy with the range of motion I'd gained in my arm.  My white cell counts are back to normal range and my reds are getting closer.  I've been taking the Tamoxifen for about 2 weeks and seem to be "tolerating" it OK so far.   I discussed my plans to run a 50 miler in March with the Nurse Practioner in order to make sure that she did not think it would be a problem medically and she said it would be fine.  I said,  "I know it seems a bit extreme, but, it's just that these were my plans prior to breast cancer".  She said ... "I expected nothing less from you". :)

Heartbreaking Power

Chorus from song Heartbreaking Power by Richie Howell

Heartbreaking Power, powers through, takes all my energy to fend off what you do to me.

Is this coincidental?

This week I’ve been inspired by another blogger that I “met” online, by coincidence. (I’ve never met someone online before.)  On Tuesday after I put up my last post, I was looking at my blog stats, to see if they were back up and running, because they had been not counting for a while. Parts of the stats were working and parts not, but one of the stats shows where the searches have come from.  One of the searches to my blog came from an online Magazine of sorts called http://www.righthealth.com/ .  It sounded intersting, so I went to that site, and the topic was breast cancer.  Under the section, Blogs and Advice there was a link to my blog with a short excerpt from it regarding the nerve pain I’d been having since the mastectomy.  This was pretty exciting to me!  Below the link to my blog was a link to another blog called Some Girls Prefercarnations, http://carnations.blogspot.com/ 

(I am not suggesting you defect!) also with a quote about nerve pain after mastectomy.  I went to that site and did quite a bit of reading.   I became a follower and put up a comment to her latest post.  I was very excited when Heather, the author, replied to my post with a post on my blog.  Anyway, I enjoyed reading her blog. It was very informative, and applicable to my situation. Heather who is a scientist by trade, is a bit more on the technical side than me.  That, along with the fact that she has had 33,000 more views to her blog, gave me some food for thought. Hmm. Maybe folks don’t like all the fluff.   Possibly, the mental/emotional crap between the tests and appointments is not informative or helpful to others?  Nah.  While Heather has a different form of breast cancer (Hers is inflammatory …not sure the stage but I’m guessing Stage III, and mine is ductal Stage IIIA) we’ve had a similar course of treatment.  She had Chemo first (Neo-Adjuvently) and her Left Mastectomy with Lymph node dissection was Monday March 7^th. Mine was Monday March 21^st.  She’s recently begun the Triple Herceptin, as well.  I began mine this past Tuesday.  It is pretty interesting having something to read by someone who is on a very similar program, only weeks ahead.   It has been nice to hear that I am not experiencing pains that are very unusual.  I am bummed, however, that she got her drains out in 15 days, and mine took 21 and really could have stayed in longer.   Mine had not been taken out at week 2 because the doctor wanted the drainage to measure less than 20 cc in 24 hours. 

On a side note, this is the outfit i had on when my friends at "the other" coffee shop asked me if i was headed out to the Texas Relays.  I'm pretty sure they were asking me, like i was going to race.  It made more sense though when one of the girls said she thought it was "like potato sack races, or something".

http://www.texassports.com/sports/tex-relays/tex-tex-relays-body.html

The surgeon went ahead and took out the drain today, despite the fact that the drainage was still ranging from 45 to 50. Yea!? Catch 22.  I may have to return in a week to have any build up removed with a needle.  I am unfortunately beginning to think it is my fault that the drainage did not decrease like it was supposed to.  I figure I’m likely overdoing it with exercise, and in general.  The exercise addict in me does not want to admit that though.  I did wait 5 whole days after surgery before even walking. But, it’s true that by day 7, I walked 60 minutes on the trail, and have been walking an average of 70 minutes 5 days a week, since. (Hey, the surgeon said I could walk or ride a stationary bike!)    I do try to hold my arm still.   

 I’m also trying not to lift my kids or anything heavy, as instructed, not stretch my arm, and I am trying to mostly rest the rest of the day, as able.    I also think it is possible, due to the plateau in the output, that it could have been the drain itself causing some irritation, especially considering the fact that I have difficulty being still.  Now that the drain is out, I plan to lie as low as possible for the next 2 days.  I do get to take a shower tomorrow which should be great!  And, the doctor said I could begin to stretch my arm in about 1-2 weeks in order to regain the full range of motion.  I am currently able to lift it only to about 90 degrees.  

Here's a You Tube link to the song performed by Downtube Shifter(great picture quality, not great audio, except keyboard :)) if you'd like an idea of the tune.  I suggest now clicking link then  back to the blog to read while listening.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB1psCH2W1w

Prior to this morning, my spirits have been heavy much of the time this week. I’ve even had moments where I felt like my heart was actually breaking.   There have, of course, been ups and downs (as seems to be my Modus Operandi). 

 Due to the fact that I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I am about ½ way through this……here we go again….stick with experience….., I’ve even begun to question if at any point I will actually truly give in to the method.  Give in enough that I will no longer feel the heartbreak? Not the physical heartbreak caused by the Herceptin, which is technically killing my heart and decreasing its potential for output (or ejection fraction), i'm talking about the heartbreak of giving in to the method, allowing patience, and more recently of severely missing my coping mechanisms which are embedded in exercise.  Running in particular.  Every morning I step outside and my first thought is still the current temperature and how it would feel to run today.  As I drive or walk around town, or on the trail, I still have vivid memories of runs I’ve had in the past.  For the first seven months, all of these thoughts gave me hope and were reminders of reasons to keep up the battle. Now, these thoughts are beginning to elicit these feelings of heartbreak.

This week while attempting to power through the heartbreak, I’ve been trying to remember that it is this awful method that is saving my life. .

 Remember earlier posts such as MRI results – No Cancer.  Pathology results - Clean.  These are wonderful things! I am truly grateful.  I have to admit, however, that these facts, along with comments from male friends of mine that believed it was now no longer necessary to return for more cancer treatment, have made the next 7 months (the 6.5 weeks of radiation, the 9 more months of  chemo and another hard core surgery) seem a bit more difficult to accept.   Overkill is one thought that comes to mind.  These facts have also, however, given me back a bit of control, as I noted when I went to see the oncologist and receive my first dose of triple Herceptin.  As I was sitting in the waiting room for infusion, a nurse came up to me, sat down and said…..”There’s been a small hitch in your treatment today…..Your MUGA or Echo (test for cardiac function) is overdue.  You must have one done every 3 months, and it has been 3.5 months since yours was done.  We can do the chemo today, but the doctor has to sign off on it”.  With that, I pulled out my new “I DO NOT HAVE CANCER CARD” that i didn't really even realize that I had until that moment, and said….Whatever you need to do, in order to not allow this wait fest to go on like it did the last 2 times I was here, is what you need to do.  If you need to go into the doctor and bust the door down right now to get him to sign off, then that is what you need to do.  I will not wait here for much longer.  I will leave.  ….And you tell him “I don’t have cancer anymore”. The nurse went away, and she came back in a few minutes and said “that worked”... 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m signed up. I’ve paid the fees.  I’ve done the base miles. I intend to complete this event.  But, it did give me a strange kick to say it out loud.  Risky, but liberating.  

Words With Friends....Part Two: Run Like Hell

This Tuesday morning, I WWF’d, Scrabbled and Jumble Lite ‘d (Anagram word game …Thank you Margaret) my ass off  in order NOT to Scream, Cry or “Go Chemo” on someone..  Let me back up. 

My morning couldn’t have started out better.  I was back to my Tuesday morning running group.  Yes, I had to miss last week (1 miss out of 12 weeks this round…not bad) due to vomiting then chest congestion illness.  But, I was back with a vengeance by Tuesday.  It was great.  It was perfect weather for me.  High 40s/low 50s.  I actually ran with my old POD (that’s what I call my group of people who consistently run together) for about 38 minutes, then, I turned back, in order to avoid overdoing it.  I felt like I could have kept going, due to my increased RBC count, but knew I should not, due to deconditioned muscles and joints. So I turned, and I was able to keep the pace for most of the way back.  Total time of 80 minutes with run time of 75 minutes, at a decent pace.  No push, but not slogging.    My goal for the end of these 2 rounds of chemo was to be able to still run 6 miles on my long run.  I did do that even the last week of Taxol, but I wanted to make sure that I could still do it even after being ill for a whole week.   It was very important to me to make it this Tuesday, being the last Tuesday before my (first) surgery.  Last week, despite being ill, missing 2 days of work, my Tuesday run, and chemo, I did sneak in 2 yoga sessions and 2 very short and easy runs.  Photos of my Sunday run were posted earlier, from my phone. It was a nice run as you can see.  My 30 minute trail wolg  (Like slog but slower, closer to walking) was also very nice and, a bit emotional.  I took this photo, because I thought..…this might be the last time I wear this shirt on the trail, or even need a jog bra for a while.

But, as it turns out, I did do another trail run with Lisa at my Hill of Life ( I love that I get to run at a Place called Hill of Life) on Thursday, and another again today with Cindy R.  So, I’ve gotton to run with all my closest running buddies in one week! J.  It would have been cool if I could have made it out to Tejas Trails this week, but, I got to spend the day at SXSW with Richie J. 

After the Tuesday run, my friend Chuck had helped me plan a more special than usual post run breakfast at Annie’s downtown.   I really wanted to spend a nice morning with the people that I have been having Tuesday breakfast with off and on for the past 24 weeks.  It was great.  The core group and most of the supporting cast showed up.  Also our coach John Schrup made it and we had the chance to make a special toast to him.  I had wanted to make a point of thanking him for taking such a personal interest in his runners, which actually included me all this time, despite my inability to truly train.   I had written a little article and submitted it to the local FIT magazine a few months ago that was an attempt to thank all of the running groups I had been in over the past few years, and the recent support I have received from my current Team Rogue group.    I did finally receive an email back from the magazine and they said that they want to use my idea in August in an issue that I believe would suit the idea just right.  I won’t divulge more, in case they do end up using it.   Anyway, I wanted to thank Schrup more personally, and sooner than August, and in case it ends up not happening.  So, breakfast was great, the company was great, and I gained one more WWF Friend J.  I’ve now got 6.  AND interestingly, All 3 of the Cindy’s that I hang around with, are currently beating me.

But as they say, all good things must come to an end.  Who said that? That is simply rude.  Anyway, breakfast was over, so then I was off to the pre-surgical office visit with the Surgeon.  Dr. H. Lamar Jones.  He seems like a nice enough guy.  And, he seems like he would be good at surgery.  I don’t really know what makes someone seem good at that, but he does. I expressed my concern with the surgery being scheduled at 2:00 in the afternoon and that I, myself start going downhill around 2:00.  He assured me that those are normal working hours and he would be fine.  I said “O.K. you’re the one that matters…As long as you feel good about it.”  We proceeded to discuss the upcoming surgery and he mentioned that he recommended that we only do the mastectomy on the right side this time around.  That we wait to complete the mastectomy on the left at the time of the reconstruction.   I, initially, of course, think this is some sort of trick.  Some way, to somehow, screw me in the long run.  After he explained that it’s best if the left side only has one surgery, it made more sense.  We are only waiting on the reconstruction on the right due to the radiation.   The left side is not being radiated.  If i didn’t have to radiate the right side, we would be doing reconstruction right away.  Despite the fact that it all sounded reasonable, I still struggled with the fact that it was different than what I was expecting.  It is still very difficult for me to adjust my mindset. Even now after it’s been pounded in my head, and punched in my face, over and over during this treatment, that nothing is set in stone, or even semi predictable.  Next we discussed the sentinel node biopsy.  He said that because the original biopsy of the nodes did show cancer in the nodes, that they will need to go ahead and take out the first “level” of nodes and maybe even part of the second level, even if we did do a sentinel node biopsy, and it showed no cancer (Which it likely would, because the MRI showed no cancer).   At this point we pretty much expect that we would not see any cancer in the biopsy, but he would still have to recommend taking them out due to the fact that it was originally there, and the original nature of the cancer was aggressive.  I need a bit more time to digest all of that.  Now off to make it on time to my 10:45 chemo treatment.  No doctor visit.  Only the “30” minute Herceptin. 

I waited in the waiting room for an hour.  Played all my goes at Words with Friends and several rounds of Jumble Lite…. made it to level 8.  It's amazing the power of anxiety. Then, they called me back to the infusion room.  One more hour passed...i typed that like it came easy.... and then the nurse came over to begin to hook me up.    She showed me the meds which looked significantly larger than usual.  I asked her about the dosage and she stated it was the triple dose.  I corrected her in that I was to complete the 12^th single dose this week, since I missed last week and then start the triple dose in three weeks, as recommended by the oncologist.  Plus, I did not want to begin a triple dose within 1 week of the surgery, in case it was not the “breeze” that they have said it would be.  My predecessor at work has told me that the triple dose Herceptin killed her…..i had that on my mind as they were telling me again it would be a breeze.   I was finally hooked up and dripping by 1:15 and out of there by 2:15.  Only 3.5 hours for what was supposed to take 30 minutes.  I was only 2 hours later to work than expected.  For some of you this might not seem so bad, but for me this is torture. (Refer to control issues).  Sitting and not doing anything is very challenging for me.  Yoga is a good start, but as my friend Chuck pointed after our “very slow” yoga class that I really need to continue to learn more patience by backing off of the more intense classes and do more of this type of mind/body thing and relaxation.  OK. “Done, I said.  But really that was only because I have surgery on Monday, so I really can’t take credit for that mature choice.

As I mentioned, I’m calling this phase Words with Friends.  Initially in honor of my introduction to this awesome iphone scrabble game, but also because I wanted to take extra time with family and friends.  I feel I’ve been successful.  I’ve mentioned all the running dates I’ve had, but also last weekend I spent time with my family doing what we love best,

and this weekend spending time with my BF from high school Amy VB.  To top off the weekend we have the Downtube Shifter SXSW tube top extravaganza, where I will see many of my friends from in and out of town alike! 

Recently, during words with one of my newest (yet most mature at age 90) friends, she asked me…What are you going to do after all of this chemo and surgery?”  While I realized at that moment that I had not really had too much time to think about that, I stated without hesitation, and with strong intention…. “Run Like Hell”….and I had a Forrest Gump like vision in my head.

Surgery is still scheduled for Monday at 2:00.  Unless, something changes, or i change my mind. 

Phase II Round 9: The Downtube Shift

Phase II  Round 9: The Downtube Shift

It’s funny to me, that yesterday, when i told my friend Cindy R. that my blog page was up and running, she said ... “You know I was going to ask you early on if you would consider a blog, but figured that you would... I interrupted, and said... “That I would find it stupid or dorky”....Ahh you know me too well. J  See, this is the kind of thing that Cancer, and all if the bullshit that goes along with the treatment, will force one into. I mean, allow one opportunity for change.

It IS true that I have not been a big fan of the word blog.  In my mind it's always been blahg.  As in blah blah blahg.  Not far from Seinfeld’s yadda, yadda, yadda.  You know, the unnecessary crap, in-between the actual points.  The stuff one would just as soon skip over.

Possibly not unlike: the bloody nose that won’t quit, the decline of fine motor control, and the rise in bone pain, the painful toenails, and the thickening, curling fingernails,  the unreasonable intercourse, chronic bowel issues, and cracking earlobes,  the muscle spasms and severe fatigue,  and, the numbness in the feet and hands.   The crap that just IS, in between chemo treatments, doctor’s visits, and life.  I’m weak, I’m tired, and frankly, when my son reminded me this weekend… “Mom, we still have you”, and, as I was responding....”Please hold on tight Son, I’m gonna need it!,… I began to realize that I am a bit scared, that much more anxious, and would just as soon skip over this stuff all together.

Hence, the BLOG.   The physical construction/design of the blog page itself did help me through at least 12 full hours of ignoring this situation while pretending to focus directly upon it.  Now that I am an official blogger, I can admit that I have read a few blogs and enjoyed them.  Then again, I'm still not on Facebook, so my experience in snooping, electronically, into others' POSTED lives is somewhat limited compared to the average 21st century person.  I must also admit the thrill I experienced when my page clocked its 100th view.  Even though it was by me, and likely at least 50 or so of the other hits were me, as well. 

Today is the 9^th round of the (T-H).  Only three to go.  I can see a flicker at the end of the tunnel.

Yesterday I had a consult with a plastic surgeon Ned Snyder, M.D. to discuss reconstruction after bilateral mastectomy.  I mentioned last week, the D.I.E.P. reconstruction surgery that I was interested in. They use the fat and skin from the abdomen and shift it upward to form breast mounds. They do not cut or move any muscles. 

http://www.snyderma.com/Breast.htm 

Dr. Snyder is one of, I believe, 3 people in Austin who perform this surgery.  The consult was overwhelming, yet entertaining.  I was impressed by the doctor.  Doctor Ned Snyder and his wife Renee have their practice together.  She is a dermatologist, and he is a plastic surgeon.  I’d been to their office before to see Renee and was very impressed by her.  She’s not only nice, and smart, and naturally beautiful, but I must say she had a nice figure.   Richie had referred me there after he had a surgical removal of skin cancer on his face.  He liked Ned. “That guy has his shit together”.  Richie thought that I ought to check to see if Ned did this surgery. “Did you notice how beautiful his wife was?”  Even before I was able to check it out, the Nurse Practioner had given me a list of recommended Plastics guys with Dr. Snyder’s name on it, so I went ahead and made an appointment for a consult.  Like I said, I liked him.  Maybe it was because, when I disrobed for the exam, he said, “oh, you are pretty thin”.  J You know me, I immediately thought, “This guy really knows how to flatter a girl”.  Then he said, “You have “D” Cups, but you have a “B” belly.” 

Really? 

Initially, I thought this was another compliment, and further attempt to inveigle me to become his patient.  But then, I realized that really there should not be a cup size on the Downtube.  The long of the short of all of this is that, while I do have a cup size where one shouldn’t, it is not quite enough to fill the cups that Richie was hoping for.  So, I said, “But what about all this stuff on the side and back??”  Apparently they can’t use that right away for some reason, but after 6-8 weeks they might be able to suck some of that out and inject it where we want it.  I’m really unclear on how that works, or if it is a temporary fix.  To me, it seems that if that worked, that would eliminate the need for implant augmentation, for everyone, but the thinnest people. 

While I have the infusion today, I have my appointment with Dr. Sandbach, the Oncologist, tomorrow due to his schedule.  I’m hoping to begin work on a plan for the timeframe of the surgery, etc.  At this point it is looking like end of March, or beginning of April.

This week was not all bad.  I did get to go out to see a trail that I have wanted to see since I heard about it back in August, just before my diagnosis. It’s out off of 2222.  It’s been called The Stairway to Hell.  While the stairs were a challenge, the view at the top, or near the top, was beautiful. I also I enjoyed jogging and talking with a couple of Tejas Trails women, Alicia and Diana, that I had not run with before.  On Sunday, Richie and I took Adaline and Ace down to the Greenbelt near our house.  It was a beautiful day.  Ace proceeded to jog, yes actual jog, for at least 10 minutes.  He was pacing himself like a champ.  It was so cute.  He even tripped over a rock once and I reminded him to lift his feet, and he did.

Phase II (T-H): Round 1 Bone Pain

Phase II (Taxol Herceptin): Round One

Round one of weekly for 12 weeks. Done. Really hard to believe I'm going to be doing this for 11 more weeks.  I just keep trying to liken it to the 50 mile trail run that I had originally planned in March this coming spring. As I said to my trail running coach, Joe Prusaitis : "Joe, I says, I had originally planned Bandera 50 K in January and Nueces 50 Miler in March, but now I'm going to do Chemo and surgery.". So, I would have been doing something difficult for the next 11 weeks anyway. (Would have been a lot more fun though.)

As I think about writing updates, I keep trying to find ways to stay positive and not come across a downer like my co-worker who is older than I, who just recently finished a very similar 1 year 3 month plan to mine.  Every time I talk to her she cries about what i am going to have to go through and i end up consoling her.  The other day, whin i finally began to experience the severe bone pain that she had mentioned on our firsxt talk, i thought of her and it made ME finally cry.  The more i think about her now, the more i want to keep from crying.  I realize theat when i speak to her that i just want her to say something positive about how she is doing now that it is mostly over. (She still has 5 years oral drugs).
With that said, parts of this round have been less than pleasant, but there were some good parts.  The actual day took much longer than expected.  Previously they had painted a  much more pleasant picture of the chemo day with quotes like "yes,you should be a able to drive yourself, and...you might only have to miss 1/2 a day of work".   i had pictured myself In/Out and on to Christmas shopping by the afternoon.   The first delay included a conversation with the Nurse Prationer who was leaving it up to me whether we should do the chemo today or wait until next week due to my Blood Counts being lower than the recommended level.  She initially gave me the option of going ahead with it, and then taking the 3 days of neupogen shots (blood booster), or not, or just waiting.  As we headed off for the chemo, she mentioned that the clinic was closed after tomorrow, so i'd only be able to get one shot, so we'd just go without the shots. Well, here's where my bit of skepticism did pay off a bit.  Due to the fact that i was not totally sure that they were telling me the truth, especially about the driving, i had arranged for my friend Lisa to drive me.
Thank Goodness! After about 2 hours of being Gorked out due to the large dose of Benadryl that they gave me, i woke up and Lisa's sweet Mom, Virginia was sitting there and fluffing my pillows, getting me Sprite, and basically holding me up as i shuffled to the restroom.  she was there to replace Lisa who had to go because the day ended up  being severeal hours longer than expected.  (Don't be upset.  Lisa had to leave in order to help move furniture into a home for a family who had lost the father and all of the furniture).  Virginia also mentioned to me that i could get thosse shots at the hospital, and maybe we shouldn't make a medical decision based on whether the clinic was open or not.  I spoke to the nurse in that regard and then we had the shots set up at another hospital.  Virginia also drove me home and we met Lisa back at my house.  Lisa ended up spending the rest of the evening with me to help me out with the kids on this, Richie's band practice night, which was a mental/emotional lifesaver as much as anything.
I've had some ups and downs throughout the week.  Luckily the ups did land on Christmas Eve and Christmas day which turned out really nice.  We had Christmas at our house for the first time and i really enjoyed it, and i think the kids and other adults did too.



 I was healthy enouth and lucky enough to be able to run a 5 mile trail run on the Greenbelt with Richie on a very near Freezing day, which i love.

 The downs included some bone pain and pain in my mouth that feels like i've been drinking battery acid.  Those are both subsiding somewhat now.

Round 2 was moved to tomorrow due to an error on my part in my work schedule.  I figure it also gives me an extra day to grow some neutrophils. Everyone cross their fingers, pray, wish, ask Santa, do whatever you do best, to get my neutrophils up so that i do not have to take anymore of those shots.
As far as exercise, i've lowered my self-expectations once again.  I was previously expecting 4 day per week exercise, outside of 1-2 days on chemo week.   Now expecting closer to 3 now that I'm doing weekly treatment, but we'll see how things go.  Maybe they'll get easier.  I'd love to maintain 4 days per week with a goal of still being able to run 5-6 miles at the end of this round.
Hope You All have a Happy New Year!
Love, Emily
12/28/10
Dad's Birthday
P.S.  My hair started growing back today!

Phase I (A-C) Round 2 Wedding

Hello All!
I have finally achieved a group list for this email from my phone.  Most of you know by now that I have a new phone and phone number....Dustin the 20 yr old phone geek at the AT&T store was impressed by the luck of my random draw at this cool #.  Anyway, now that I've got this cool new phone it's best to email me here with the powerhowell@gmail.com address.

So... Chemo round 2...
Did not go as well as I had hoped. Some parts better, but mostly worse. 

Met with the PA instead of the doctor due to my necessary change of tx day to tuesday so i could go to my running group (I mean, help my special needs child). I like her very much, generally. However, it was she who ended up informing me during the Chemo that my cancer is Her2+, which means I Now have to do Chemo for total of 1 year and 3 months.  So here is the approximate new schedule:
*4 rounds of A-C 3 week interval (same)
*12 weeks of weeks of WEEKLY taxol plus new drug herceptin- due to new HER+
*2-3 week break then surgery
*Resume Chemo herceptin on 3week intervals for 9 months.
So, the good news according to the PA  is that Her2+ responds well to herceptin.  According to her as well, the taxol and herceptin side effects are not as severe,yet tend to be cumulative. 

Moving on, day 1 was much better because we did not go to that godawful wig store and rested instead. Day 2 I felt pretty good in the morning, but was already scheduled to get the magic juice at 10:30.  Majic juice probably helped..I had a really nice evening with richie and the kids...but , the experience was far from magical.  Anti-Disney even.  During the hour wait, mom was in a political argument with an 80 year old lady over the death sentence, who later explained that she was in her second battle with the breast cancer and her mom and sister died from it. Didn't anyone tell her that you are not supposed to tell people who are fighting cancer stories about cancer that end in death. Even if it is your second time through it!!  So, once the old lady,along with my severe time based anxiety, had me crying, Mom stood up and announced that we were leaving. I was very proud of her at that moment and realized that I did get some things from her.  Suddenly they took me back.  While I don't believe that they got to me any sooner I was thankful to be rid of the old woman (no not mom- the other lady).
 

 

So, day 2 overall better, day 3 about the same, day 4 worse. 

 Day 5 ok and was able to attend and enjoy Jenn and Johns wedding which was a beautiful outdoor wedding at Lockhart state park. I even got to walk a bit on a short trail down and up a big hill.

 Thank goodness Mom and Derek stayed and took care of the kids until Richie got home from the Livestrong ride.

Day 6 tried to go jogging with Cindy R. At hill of life, but ended up walking the whole thing and then was pretty much worn out until about 5 pm. 

P.S. Thanks to everyone who donated for his cause-he raised a ton of cash.

By Monday I was ok to go to work, but still too tired to exercise.  Tuesday I was able to exercise easy and feel pretty good today.

 

Well, probably more than anyone wanted to know, but what the hell.  Thanks to all again for all of your support, food, hats, help with the kids, etc.

Emily