Selfish

Does having 2 breasts make a person selfish?  Quite possibly.   However, it has now been proven that having a wound on one's abdomen can create some pretty extreme selfishness.  I have to admit that since this surgery, I've been living pretty much in my own little world.  Just me and the 29 accounts (mostly comedic writers) that I follow on Twitter (outside of my beautiful immediate family). I haven't been much in the mood for getting together with others, or even blogging, for that matter.   For me, socialization is so extrememly linked to running, that not running can make it difficult.  And, as it turns out, NO ONE really wants to go to the gym and ride a recumbent bike!!  Anyway, cleaning this abdominal incision site wound twice a day and trying to keep my sanity (what little there may be) while watching it heal SO slowly without running/running socialization have turned my focus inward.

I've recently had 2 personally upsetting wake-up calls that I am going to share with you now because I feel that they are important and relative.

The first one happened a few weeks ago, when I was complaining to my husband over a nice dinner out, about some abdominal annoyance, or something and he (very rudely in my opinion at the time) said in response...."don't you ever see the positive"?  "How about how great it is that you don't have Cancer"!" Wow.  If you have any experience with my relationship with my husband you probably know that I've likened him to gristle.  He's tough and can sometimes appear insensitive.  He's never been one to go easy on me, that's for sure.  I am used to this, and I usually appreciate it in the long run, it's true.  However, while out on this dinner date I initially thought this response was a bit harsh, no matter how true it was. Until.. later.... when I said something else possibly not very pleasant, and he said that he was sick of me! Yikes!!  Now that hurts!!  It hurts especially when you realize that he's not the only one.  I realized that even I have become sick of myself.  Sick and tired of being self-absorbed.   So, since that day, I've been consciously attempting to work my way out of this selfish snowball.  I've attempted to prove my love to my husband with the extrememe sacrifice of building a website for his band.  Check it out if you want:  www.downtubeshiftertheband.com  It is still a work in progress. But, I will announce, that their 5 song EP CD Accelerando! is now available.  For now, you can just email the band at dtshifta@yahoo.com if you'd like one.  I think they are $5.00 plus any shipping.  It's a good CD and a pretty good sample of their music.  I'm still in the process of helping them get it out on CD baby, Band Camp, etc.

Now, today, I have regret.   I regret being so self absorbed that I haven't recently followed up with my friend who had surgery for removal of ovarian cancer on the same day that I had my reconstruction surgery. She has recently received some bad news and I was informed of it today from another friend.    This was not the verbal tap on the cheek that my husband gave me a few weeks ago.  This is the harsh reality of Cancer.   It affects all of us.


My fundraising with Fred's Team for cancer research at Memorial Sloan-Ketterling is going well.  I've raised 1,550.00 of the $3,500.00 that I have commited to in order to be allowed entry into the NYC Marathon.  That's over 1/3 the way!  Thank you to everyone who has dontated and who has sent write-ups of people they would like to have highlighted in this blog and have miles dedicated to. I have appreciated and enjoyed reading these stories.  If you are considering donating, please do not hesitate.  Any amount is helpful and appreciated!

Here is the link to the donation site:

http://mskcc.convio.net/site/TR/FredsTeamEvents/Freds_Team?px=2099537&pg=personal&fr_id=1730


This week marks the end of the schoool year.  I'm putting this photo in because I'm so proud of this girl, and she's the cutest girl in the world.

Next Wednesday I go back into surgery for the revision of the left breast and for surgical closure of this wound if it is not healed by then.  I am looking forward to that, and to getting back to running in order to train for the NYC Marathon!

Patience

The past 2 weeks have proven quite a test for my patience.  I've not been blogging about it for 2 reasons.
Firstly, in order for this literal "watching the grass grow" (wound healing) period to pass somewhat unnoticed by me, and secondly, because I've been "cheating" on my blog with that "Twitter" croud.  It's a fantasy world out there, I tell you, and that suits me just fine for now.  I think, for me, facing this open wound on my abdomen 3 times a day is a bit much for my psychee and I've sought out an alter reality. (I suppose I had to do something when I decided to go off the Vicodin cold turkey a few weeks ago.)  I don't mean to be a wuss, but, despite having done wound care as a PT tech and a clinician, and not minding wounds on other people, it just freaks me out to have a wound on my own body, not to mention that it is a reminder that I still have a ways to go before this phase is over. This is going to require more patience.    The open wound that I'm referring to is primarily in the center area of the abdominal incision.  Basically what happened is that the Plastic Surgeon folded me over, cut my abdominal roll off, and glued me back together.  Problem was, there wasn't that much to take, so they had to glue me back super tight!  Needless to say, the center area sort of made it's way back open due to trying to stand up, and/or lie flat.  Everyone at the plastic surgeon's office has assured me that this happening is "very common amongst the 'thinner' patients." Well, If you know me, you know that I'll take a skinny compliment any way I can get it, and that that was probably the ONLY thing that they could have said to me to make this at all acceptable, but, it still did  not negate my anxiety and my desire for this thing to be closed and done with.  On the good news side of things, the wound is "healthy and will heal in time".

 I am scheduled to return the first week of June for the revision to the left breast.  The "Lift and Tuck", or "Alignment", if you will.  This procedure supposedly requires a 4 day recovery time, but I really do not believe that.  I think that is all relative.  Yes, I guess I'd believe 4 days to get back to sitting on the couch and watching Oprah, but what about dependent lifting a spastic 8 year old, a 275 pound stroke patient, or running the Hill of Life? Somehow I doubt it.  This procedure might also include "fat injections" to round out some of the areas.  Apparentely, they can take a syringe and suck out some fat from somewhere on my body and inject it into my breasts. When I heard this, I immediately asked myself why don't all flatter chested people not have this done instead of implants, but I forgot to ask the doctor.  I promise I will ask next time and let you all know!  The only problem is where to get the fat.  Yes, it does have to be from me, sorry.  I was initially liking the idea of taking it off the back of my arms, but then realized that this would  just leave loose skin flapping there.  Possibly less attractive than flabby skin flapping.  So, my next preferred area will be what I call my "tube", or "back fat" (back fat being a bit of a misnomer because it is really more on the sides).  Hopefully they can use that without making more divots in the area :).

On to more exciting news!


I'm officially signed up for the 2012 ING NYCMarathon to run with Fred's Team, a charity which supports cancer research at Memorial Sloan Ketterling.


I've already raised $1,300,00 toward my goal of $3,500.00 for Cancer Research!
Thank you everyone who has donated!
If you are considering helping support this goal and Cancer Research, please click here to donate:
It's EASY!
http://mskcc.convio.net/site/TR/FredsTeamEvents/Freds_Team?px=2099537&pg=personal&fr_id=1730

Thank YOU!


For more practice in patience click here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7c1dGd033C8&sns=em


For more Dancing Ace Entertainment click here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lesm_Xdp7co&sns=em


Emily

Happy Birthday to Me

 "Running the marathon is the best wasy I know to fight this disease."
Fred Lebow, co-founder, NYCmarathon.

I don't know if it was the Vicodin induced confusion, a deep seeded inability to completely "let go" of the road running, or my innate insanity, but I've decided to run the ING New York City Marathon on November 4th, 2012 (yes that IS in 6 months) in order to celebrate the completion of a challenging 2 years of cancer treatment, and to raise money for Cancer Research. 

Please follow the Link below to my personal  Donation site, read my story, and Donate.

http://mskcc.convio.net/site/TR/FredsTeamEvents/Freds_Team?px=2099537&pg=personal&fr_id=1730

Fred Lebow Memorial Statue Central Park New York

Also, PLEASE forward the above link to my donation site or the link to ballotable records to anyone, including Facebook Friends.  Thank you very much !

Emily

Buyer's Remorse, or 2% Rule

Photo by Cindy R.

This is a photo of the beautiful Spring Flowers that were naturally on display at the Hell's Hill's Trail Run at Rocky Hill Ranch on Saturday, April 7th.  Funny how that seems SO long ago now, despite it being less than 3 weeks passing.  I was fortunate enough to be able to squeeze in this one last trail race in before my Reconstruction Surgery.  I had a great day overall.  It was a beautiful day, as you can see, less humid than expected, which is great for me, and what a great time I had with my friend Cindy who took me out there and ran her FIRST trail race ever!! Yay Cindy!! We both ran the 25k race.  I took out easy, then picked it up about mile 3.  I was flying from mile 3 until about mile 6 when I fell down FAST and HARD.   It was quite a jolt that banged both my knees up pretty good.  It took me a few minutes to that get back on my feet and moving.  I did get moving again, but never re-gained the previous "high" I had been feeling.  Oh well, it was a beautiful day and I was actually enjoying a trail I had previously disliked.  I ended up 13th female of 79, and would have been 1st in my age group of 40-45 had this race had that as category. I was happy with this outcome overall.  I was later inspired by finding out that my running friend, Jeanette, from my trail group (Tejas Trails) who is 47 years old and who fought and beat colon cancer with 2 years with Chemo and Multiple surgeries, had re-gained the running "speed"  that she had professed to have lossed due to cancer treatment, and beat me for the 12th place finish!! (1st in her age category, as well 45-50).  I couldn't be more proud,  or more inspired, to have been beaten by anyone else!  You know this gives me hope for full recovery and continued gains in running with age, and despite Cancer.
  Thanks Jeanette for being so Awesome and such and inspiration!

After the race, I had 4 days to prepare for surgery.  The days blew by.  I got in one last 8 mile Tuesday Morning run and coffee with some good friends, then a day of mental and household preparation for being in the hospital for 4 days and being basically out of comission for 2-3 weeks. 

Then, suddenly, it was Thursday, April 12th and my alarm was ringing at 4:30.
Richie drove me to the hospital.  There was a small amount of surgical prep, then I was being wheeled down the hall on a stretcher. Even though I was actually more afraid of fatal mistakes during this surgery than with either of my C-sections, or my last Mastectomy, I was comparatively calm.  Usually in situations such as these, my body begins to involuntarily shake.  This time there was an unexpected calm.  Possibly a denial, even.   Then the next thing I knew I was struggling to wake up.  With one eye open, I could see that I was in the recovery room, and yes,  I asked what time it was. 4:40 pm.  Wow, pretty much the time they had told me I would be out.  When I woke up a bit more, I was in the Intermediate Care room in a bed and looked up and saw my mother.  She had driven down that day, so I was glad to see that she had made it.  I saw Richie and was glad to see him too.  I also took note at that point that I WAS alive, and I felt good about that. I remember looking down at my chest, and seeing 2 breasts.  I kept forgetting that I had looked,  thinking it was a dream, and kept re-checking.  I remember making note that one seemed a bit larger than the other.   That night basically went downhill for me from there.  I remember asking the new nurse at the shift change if she had ever cared for someone with my diagnosis and she said she had not.  OMG.  Not a good answer for me.  The anxiety rose, as did my confusion with the pain meds and anesthesia on board.  I felt very stiff all over, and my left arm hurt all over.  Even now, days later, there is severe bruising on the anterior and lateral wrist and knots in the superior medial aspect of the cubital fossa,  (the bend of my left elbow.)  What they explained to me at the time was that they had tried multiple times to place an  Arterial Line on my left wrist and failed.  (There are still 8 visible holes in one area and 2 in another).  Obviously no expert available.  Have You seen the veins/arteries in my arms?  It seems that one could not miss. Anyway, no arterial line.  This arterial line was supposed to be intended to take blood pressure measurements throughout the suregery without having to use a blood pressure cuff.  They did however manage to place 2 IVs.  One on the back side of my left hand and one in the lateral side of my left cubital fossa.  There existed an obvious IV botch attempt on my medial elbow that was painful and knotted up.   So then the rest of the night they were taking my blood pressure on this painful left arm, initially evere 15 minutes, then every 30 minutes.  The cuff was being left on my arm and it felt too tight, so I began to remove it.  This caused a problem with my nurse who kept explaining that the BP was on an automatic machine and it needed to remain in place.  Well, in my mind, she was not the one who would have to deal with a life of Upper Extremety Lymphedema due to repeatedly restricting flow in an arm that was battered and had just had a mastectomy which included one lymph node removal (this was not planned....apparently it was too closely involved with the breast tissue to leave it.)  Needless to say, I was not getting along well with this nurse.  Then after the blood pressure cuff argument, she came in and drew blood from this same poor left arm....you might be asking why the poor left arm again...? well, it's because my right arm is not supposed to be pricked or squeezed due to having had 2/3 of my lymph nodes removed in the last surgery (R mastectomy with Stage II lymph node removal). This blood draw which included a tight rubber band around my upper arm was extremely painful... About 30 minutes later the nurse came back in and informed me that "I know you are not going to like this, but, I am going to have to do another blood draw because your Hemoglobin and Hematocrit levels are in the 'Critical' range at 5.2.   A  blood count this low could indicate internal bleeding."  She encouraged me not to get too worried because the test was probably thrown off due to taking blood from the left arm which was currently getting Saline.  She turned off the saline IV and said she'd re-take the blood in 2 minutes.  This freaked me out.  I could not understand why we would re-take the blood from the same arm that had potentially just diluted the last lab.  So we got in another sort of spat when I asked her to take the blood from my foot.  She said she'd rather do the arm because the foot is often painful.  Really? I'd been complaining all night about how much pain my left arm was in, so that argument did not make sense.  Anyway, she ended up taking the blood from the foot, and it was relatively not painful.  The labs came back at 8.9. Low, but not critical.  Indicative of having just had a surgery like the one I'd had.  During these "horrific" overnight hours, I do remember thinking that this is the stupidest thing I've ever done.  Why would I have subject myself to something this dangerous, potentially life threatening, and this painful.  Why would I put my family out, and put my life on "hold" for 2-3 months?

The morning finally came and with it a bit less confusion, and my buddy Ned.  ( Plastic Surgeon ). I told Ned about my night and he agreed that we could have taken BPs from my leg.  I mentioned my doubts and we discussed what his P.A, Jenn,  had earlier termed my "Buyer's Remorse".  He agreed that this was a very common feeling, and that I will likely feel differently in 3 months.  He said that my abdomen would be extremely tight, and I would have difficulty standing up straight because they basically had to fold me in half in order to get enought skin and fat to build the breast.  (He wasn't kidding).   Here is a link to some post op photos of a Bilateral DIEP procedure.  Please do not link to it if  you have ANY psychological issues at all, or if there are children present.   And if you do look, please understand that this is not the finished product. There are 3 small steps left.

  DIEP: Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator Flap

That first day I had a good appetite and was eating well.  The second night was not that great physically, with one medication error on my part leading to some severe pain, mostly in the abdomen.  It was Extremely Tight and painful.  I remember at one point Richie saying that I needed to "Power" through this, which did help because, this, as you might expect, is one of my favorite sayings.  With the 3rd night came the Nausea and Vomiting.  Pain is bad.  Nausea might very well be worse.  The next day, was followed by more nausea and severe fatigue.  I had a few good hours in the morning when they reminded me to use the Dilauded pump, and got to take a shower.   Then, the pump was Discharged, and within a few hours I was back to nausea and vomiting.  The rest of that day, I was basically gorked out with Richie sitting there petting my leg.  After a few hours of that, I remember him shoving a Schlotsky's Turkey Original no Mayo,  no Onion, Sandwich into my mouth, and I chewed and chewed, and then felt slightly better! Yay Richie!

I mostly slept thru the third night and most of Monday morning.  I remember the nurses being concerned that I might not be able to go home due to how tired I looked.  I told them I could make it home in the afternoon, but just needed to rest in the morning. 

I made it home on Monday around 1:00 and took 2 naps in my rental recliner :) (Thanks Mom and Derek).  By the time Ace got home from school, I was able to rally and sit outside with him and the neighbor kids.  What a beautiful day!

Since I've been home, I've been doing a LOT of resting.  Managing my recovery, working on getting things moving....

It has been absolutely beautiful here.  Unseasonably cool and dry and Sunny!

Thanks Jenn for an awesome morning!

Beautiful Adaline

Things are going well overall.  I had my follow up appointment with the Plastic Surgeon this Monday, and I got all 4 drains taken out.  (There was one on each Breast and one on each hip near the ends of the huge abdominal incision).  This was a huge relief, and was then able to wear some more normal clothing.

Since I've been  home I've corresponded with a friend of mine who was having a  hysterectomy with ovarian removal for Ovarian Cancer on the SAME day as my surgery.  She told a mutual friend of ours that her doctor said that she should expect to feel 2% recovery each day.  WOW 2%! For some reason that just sounded really funny to me.  So, in 50 days, I should feel 100%.  Well, Maybe that is right.  Or maybe, 50 days, then 4 months of Marathon Training!  Yes, I said it....More to come on that!

Thank You to: Richie (even if it was included in...for sickness and in health) Mom and Derek, Jenn, and my neighbors (specifically Edy) for helping with the kids to allow me rest and recovery time. And...Thank You to all of my friends and family for well wishes, visits, flowers, dusters to last a lifetime, food/coffe deliveries, and more! 

Emily

Grand Finale'

No Post Today. (Regarding DIEP Flap Breast Reconstruction Surgery).

What is it we call the part at the end of a fireworks show ?
Anyway, this is a lot like that.
All the anticipation.
All the spectacle,
And even teh stray roman candle in the abdomen.

Surgery went well. I'm doing well.  Maybe I'll try to blog tomorrow, or once I can keep both eyes open.

Emily

DIEP

I'm gonna have to warn you I really just don't feel like being clever today.  Even to the extent that as I was  sitting in the waiting room of the general suregeons office thinking about what I would blog about and all i could come up with was that I just don't feel like being clever today.
Then I came across this quote from Hemmingway that I had found some months back that made me feel O.K. about not feeling particularly clever:
"There are events which are so great that if a writer has participated in them his obligation is to write truly rather than assume the presumption of altering them with invention."

I'll start here.

Have you ever had one of those pimples INSIDE your nose that REALLY hurts? I have one of those that has been there for one week and is making me look a bit like i could lead Santa's Sleigh.  It is on the inside of the tissue the end of my nose. There is nothing I can do about it outside of possibly a professional facial, which is ironic for 2 reasons.  Firstly, I had an anxiety attack the last time I had a facial, and secondly that I ended up turning down a free one just this very day when the plastic surgeon's office, which is also a dermatology office, offered me one in order to help me "relax" after the potentially anxiety provoking snafu that happened in the scheduling of my little surgery. (Left mastectomy and Bilateral Reconstruction with DIEP flap).
How did they know about this pimple?  How embarassing.

The surgery that I'm speaking of is the little surgery that I have deliberated over for more than 8 months and hat I had seemingly scheduled with both the general surgeon and the plastic surgeon over a month ago. The little surgery that I've organized basically my whole (post 50 miler...and even some pre-50 miler) life around.  Work, family, help with kids, abdominal fat gaining food consumption, weight training, etc. It took only about 20 seconds for the general surgeon to explain to me that she was sorry for the "Confusion" in the schedule, but she will not be able to do the surgery on the scheduled day of April 16 because she will be in Toronto learning how to do some new procedure. (This is reminding of a Seinfeld episode....That's the whole thing about a schedule, right? It's like "a reservation". )
  That sounds very nice...Toronto...

She the surgeon offered me a ridiculous date MUCH later in the future which would obviously not do for me.  (In her defense, she was just meeting me today). I actually liked this general surgeon on our visit. She seemed very competent.  I was just meeting her today because I have had to change general surgeons due to the fact that my original general surgeon does not have priveledges at the hospital that the plastic surgeon now prefers.  So, anyway, once she got me to like her, she broke the news and then offered up that one of  her colleagues might be able to do it on the originally "scheduled" date.  I was very proud of how calmly I stated that this was a bit upsetting to me, but that I would like to keep her as the general surgeon if I could get it all arranged with work and family,  etc.  That gave me time to speak with the guy that I really want to keep happy (Richie?).....the Plastic Surgeon.  I asked him what he thought I should do regarding the general surgeon and he basically stated it would be best if I could stick with this surgeon if I was able to arrange it.  He said that he would be happy to continue on either date that worked for me, however.  I thought that this was nice. And, becasue decision making in overwhelming situations is not really my forte' and that it's been customary for me to defer to the opinion of the Plastic's guy for some reason, I chose, once again, to go with his recommendation.  Fortunately, Richie, my Mother, Jenn, and my Job were very flexible with this change.  This helped keep my anxiety to a minimum.
So, Thursday April 12th it is. 

Here is a sketch of the plan:

Arrive 5:30.
Surgery starts at 7:30. Left Mastectomy should take about an hour.
Port Removal.
Then bilateral reconstruction 6-8 hours.  Should get out of surgery around 5:00 pm.
Suregeon is currently working on deciding on which way he will flap the skin. There are 3 options that he showed me in the  pictures.  The 3rd option was the least attractive to my eyes, but potentially the angle of choice.  He will decide how the radiated skin "opens up" during the surgery.
Recovery room for one hour then into the Intermediate care unit where i will have a private room but will have Intensive care for 18  hours then actual intemediate care which is a step down from intensive care.
They will start me on Dilaudid after anesthesia because I mentioned how morphine made me jittery after the last surgery. I will also have a ball filled with lidocaine called an ONQ that will be attached to my abdomen that is somehow programmed to provide a dosage.
I will have 1-2 drains for each breast and 2 drains for the abdomen.
I will likely stay for 4 nights then return home. 
They've recommended that I obtain a recliner chair for my initial recovery time because I will not be able to straighten up for " a while" 
I can start riding the bike trainer..."when i feel like it"  Really?....
No jogging 6 weeks. 
No heavy lifting 8 weeks.

Here is a sample of what a DIEP flap looks like:

This is a left reconstruction only. The right was augmented.

Cancer. Competetive Edge. Catharsis. Climax. Contentment.

Those of you who've followed this blog with any consistency probably remember me blogging about my first race back into running since before: "you have cancer".  That race was back on December 10th 2011.  At that point I remember feeling the "Greyhound in the Gate" feeling that some runners might feel before a big race. Ready to run, ready to kick ass.  So ready to get back to running, feeling good, and living life. That race was was supposed to be a training run that I was just going out to do to see the land and to run a supported long run.  As you may remember, I ended up mostly racing, and doing pretty well overall. 10th female and 2nd age group which is difficult to do especially for a 25 K which usually brings more runners and faster runners.  Then there was the Bandera 50K. AGAIN, SUPPOSEDLY a training run, which I had not tapered for.  I had run 26 miles the weekend before, and this was NOT my "A" Race. Yet, again, I found myself mostly "racing" the whole thing and doing pretty well overall. I believe 12th female.   Oh, yes, then merely weeks after that, I found myself ACTUALLY attempting to race the 3M half mararathon despite the fact that I had not been training to run fast, or at any type of even tempo.  In my own mind, and likely within the mind of any coach, this erratic racing and training behaviour would not be recommended if one wanted to do well at their "A" Race.  Even my Step Father who has been a marathoner in his past had sent me an email basically trying to remind me to be careful and keep my eye on the prize...the 50 miler....My "A" Race.....this thing I'd been mentally focused on, and blogging about, for oh, maybe about a year....Very good advice, and I agreed, yet continued these silly, out of control, acts.  None of these acts were really like me, or my former self.  It was just that I was somehow compelled to do it all.  Make up for lost time, etcetera.  I can't even say with certainty that I regret any of it.  I've had a great season.  I'm really only re-hashing all of this for a few reasons.  Firstly to bring you up to just before the 50 mile race and secondly to help you, and myself, better understand my mental state before and during the race.
 I mentioned in my past few posts how my left leg was bothering me and I wasn't really running.  I didn't really run much for the better part of the last 3 weeks.  2 short runs and 2 attempts at running that ended in calf spasms and foot pains not to mention feeling of weakness, and burning sensations down the back of my butt and thigh.  I opted for aquajogging which really just felt good.  I saw 2 doctors.  The first doctor thought it might be my iliopsoas muscle squeezing my sciatic nerve. I had a psoas release which did seem to help a bit.  Then my back did start bothering me a bit, so I went and saw another doctor who has more experience with multiple medical situations.  He felt that we should probably rule out something in my spine...including...Cancer.  Oh God.  My mother has back pain and some spinal stenosis, so I was thinking we should rule that out too?  During this time of visiting with doctors and aquajogging I had extra time unplanned/unexpected time to think, and had a few cathartic moments as I mentioned in my last post.  I had not planned on making any decisions regarding my reconstruction surgery until after the 50 miler.  I was planning on having visions regarding what I should do DURING the race.  Again, erratic, unplanned behavior and a resultant Pre-Mature Climax. Several days before the race, I had decided on my reconstruction plans, and had even scheduled the surgery for April 16th.  I decided to save the scheduling of the MRI until after the race.  At some point I had to begin to focus on making sure that I was standing there on the starting line, and that I would be able to complete what it was that I had started out to do.

Problem was....I had already finished.

I found myself standing there on the starting line, having already achieved my primary goals:  Return to life, get healthy, and make some hard decisions.  I still had one more thing to do though, and that was to complete this 50 miler.



 After the first lap of this 3 laps x 16.7 miles race, I realized that I would indeed make it to the finish line.  My leg and primarily my foot were bothering me, but nothing that a few bloody, then stubbed, toenails didn't end up masking.  I stayed with my friend Lisa for about 30 miles.  

 I felt OK.  Not great.  Then the unexpected happened again.  The Competetive Spirit Did NOT arrive this time. Only a feeling of contentment.  (Peppered with severe pain due to repeatedly stubbing my currently bloody, previously Taxol....Toenail).


 I felt happy.  I was alone in the woods on a beautiful day.

I was thinking about my beautiful family and my wonderful life.

 It just didn't seem important to me to kick anyone's ass at that point which is something very different for me, and even a bit "off the shelf", if you will. Like trying on a new pair of shoes. You "might" like it.   Somewhere around mile 38 I remember beginning to think... "This is not really my thing".  "I like Yoga".  I also remember thinking that I should keep running so that I could get back to the finish line sooner rather than later, to see my husband and friends who would be waiting there for me.

Tejas Trails Coach Joe Prusaitis

 Richie told me the day after the race that it was even slightly awkward for him when I crossed the finish line with people standing there cheering for a cancer survivor (me) who had just completed a 50 mile race and I was speaking very loudly..."This is not really my thing!" I just don't have the competetive spirit today!" 

Funny the things one will say after running 50 miles. 

Thank You to everyone who played a part in making this amazing weekend happen for me.  (Jenn).

"One can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegrtion if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways."  --Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril