The past few weeks has been quite a "BALLOTABLE" time period. ( I'm now using this word to describe ups and downs, or periods of mixed or unsteady emotions.) Last week I blogged about my toenail while I was processing the situation.
I'll start with my last Doctor's appointment/Herceptin chemo treatment 3 weeks ago. At that visit the doctor started me on the Tamoxifen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamoxifen. Short exerpt from the blog that week:
I am scheduled to be on this drug for 5 years. Sounds overwhelming, especially when the doctor and the pharmacist review the side effects…” some people just don’t feel good…” said the doctor. “Like what”, I said… ”well, it could be a whole host of things…you’d have to go to the PDR (Physician’s Desk Reference) to see them all”, he says…”Greeaat”, I thought to myself. Of particular note is the possible WORSENING HOT FLASHES, Increased Risk for Blood clots and therefore possible pulmonary embolism which could lead to death, increased risk of endometriosis and endometrial…you guessed it…CANCER.
Due to the above, i began to have some severe anxiety about taking this drug, and i did what I have kept myself from doing for the past 7 months, or so.......GOOGLING! I continued to become increasingly upset about the cancer risk and the worsening hot flashes, especially in the light that my previously HORRENDOUS HOT FLASHES had pretty much subsided. Due to this stopping of the HHFs, i figured that i was now POST Menapausal. This assumption heightened my skepticism about the Tamoxifen being the right drug for me. I also began to think about how, up to this point, all of the chemo drugs (toxins) i had taken so far had been administered by someone else. I've mentioned many times before that I've had an extreme aversion reaction to the chemo drugs and the cancer treatment building. While i understand on one level that these drugs (were and) are saving my life, there is just an animal instinct that i have that tells me it is NOT good for me. But, for those drugs there were appointments, doctors, nurses, and family and friends, all there supporting this act of me taking these drugs. This time, i began to realize, it would be up to me to administer this "toxin", all on my own and i just wasn't sure i could do it. I decided to take a week to think about the drug and to try calling the oncologists office to get some more encouragement to go ahead and take the drug. During this "break" week, i began feeling not only anxioius, but also very randomly emotional. This emotionality was upsetting me and confusing me at the same time. Considering the cancer and everything, i've been surprisingly, and notedly level (even keel, if you will) emotionally for the past 9 months. My severe HOT flashes had replaced any emotional ups and downs i MIGHT have had in years past. But, my hot flashes had diminished drastically since the end of radiation, and I was actually starting to feel a bit more normal with increased energy levels at times due to slowly rising blood counts. So, why now, have i thought to myself for the first time in over 9 months..."Does HE (Richie) REALLY love me". It had all been so clear, and i'd believed it without a doubt for the past 9 months that he DID. On the second night of having this thought of doubt creep into my head, i woke in the middle of the night crying. VERY odd. I can't really even remember the last time i cried. (Oh, yes. I did cry the night before my mastectomy.) Probably about 1/2 of you have already figured out where this is headed. YES. The morning after i woke crying, I was gushingly informed that I was PRE-MENAPAUSAL AGAIN!! DAMN IT!!! It now all made sense. The increased anxiety, the emotional lability, and later that evening, my moment of creative genius which borne unto it a new spectacular dessert that i named "caudled chocolate".
It's as if i've been given a looking glass (what is that anyway?) that has allowed me to see the menstrual cycle from both sides. It's almost creepy. It's like a Twilight Zone Episode. A woman moves in and out of inexplicable emotional zones. A given scene plays out over and again with different emotional angles, or, emotional stability, portrayed. The emotional stability zone (Menapause) teaches her how to better view and understand the other zones when she returns.
Back to Ballotable. My menstural Cycle bounced back, and I, of course, had MIXED feelings about it. Part of me felt good to be home again, part of me was/is very frightened that these hormones that we've spent the better part of the past year killing, are back, and part of me is upset that now i'll have to go through the Menapause Again....very possibly on a continual basis for the next 5 years.
Now, back up to today. I'm back to the GawdAwful Place (GAP for those who follow closely). Things went well today. The nurse practitioner was not upset that my period started. She was happy with the range of motion I'd gained in my arm. My white cell counts are back to normal range and my reds are getting closer. I've been taking the Tamoxifen for about 2 weeks and seem to be "tolerating" it OK so far. I discussed my plans to run a 50 miler in March with the Nurse Practioner in order to make sure that she did not think it would be a problem medically and she said it would be fine. I said, "I know it seems a bit extreme, but, it's just that these were my plans prior to breast cancer". She said ... "I expected nothing less from you". :)
Showing posts with label Chemotherapy and Running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chemotherapy and Running. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Austin Running Groups Provide
Many of you are already aware that the article in Austin Fit Magazine came out this month.
It is a pretty good article, despite my personal let down in a couple of areas. Foremost, being that the hard copy magazine of the article incorrectly named one of my road running coaches as the coach my trail group, and left out the trail running coach, and my trail running friends all together. Sorry guys! I was dissapointed also, that the girl who interviewed me said that the article that i wrote would actually be in the magazine. It wasn't, but some quotes were taken from it. The article was incorrect when it said that i did not miss any Tuesdays in the 24 week period of chemo, except once for the flu. It is true that I only missed one Tuesday due to the flu during the 12 weeks of Taxol treatment, but I definately missed 1-2 Tuesdays each 3 week period during the 12 weeks of every 3 Week Adriamycin, Cytoxin treatment. Some weeks I could barely walk by the first Tuesday after treatment. I believe I did make it to at least every 3rd Tuesday, though. Part of my being able to miss the least amount possible was due to how I had arranged my schedule. Due to the fact that me making it to these workouts was a priority, I actually scheduled my chemo on Tuesday mornings.... After my runs. So, Tuesdays would mostly land the furthest point from any treatment.
Here is the article I had written back in January and sent in to Austin Fit Magazine. I had hoped they would publish this article as a way to thank everyone involved in these awesome running groups, promote these inspirational coaches, and to point out how poeple can gain different inspirations and benefits from different, yet similar situations. I'll post what i wrote first, then you'll see the link to the Austin Fit Article titled "Inspiration."
Oh yes, the other thing was that when the assistant editor told me that they were going to use my idea for the Inspiration issue, i was very excited because i thought that they were going to use my article, and do a lay out of the three running groups/coaches i mentioned.....which was my idea/point. When they ended up using me as one of the inspirational persons, it was a bit awkward (even though it was pretty fun). Even at the last minute, at the photo shoot, I was really expecting, Joe Prusaitis (Tejas Trails), Gilbert Tuhabonye (Gilbert's Gazelle's), and Steve Sisson and John Schrup (Rogue) to be there for a group photo. That would have been so cool. Oh well, it exists in my head.
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Austin Running Groups Provide
Now that I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and am undergoing chemotherapy I've had the chance (time during infusions, blood draws and drug induced bed rest) to reflect on what these three Austin running groups have given me, in the past, and even now, as they continue to provide support above anything expected, and likely beyond what they are aware. They are each led by local icons, whose personal stories and running resumes have brought this, and I'm sure many other runners, and readers, to tears. Each group has a strong sense of community and respect for individualism, and each has provided, for many, the motivation and skill required to complete and even excel at difficult tasks including marathons, ultra-marathons and life.
Four months after my healthy sweet baby boy Ace Henry “Selby” Howell was born, I returned to a Rogue Austin marathon group beginning in September 2007, which met only 2 times per week versus the 3 times per week of The Gazelles. I felt this would better fit into my schedule with a nursing newborn, a 3 year old in a wheelchair, and a full time job as a Physical Therapist (I know, ironic). I joined this group with no real goals other than to get back to running with no intention of making any more friends. I had already made many very close friends from the Rogue Moms and then The Gazelles. But what do you know, but people in this group made their way into my life and onto my list of friends (before Facebook), even best of friends. This group did indeed get me back to running and was the springboard for more to come. My injury that season due to my overzealous attempt to return to "fast" pace running, which I blame on my speedy weight loss with the combination of nursing and distance running, lead me to seek out a way to continue running, and recover from injury, simultaneously. My first thought was…. How about shorter distances? But, I quickly realized that shorter distances would just make me want to run faster. What I felt I needed now was slower running... How about trail running? I had heard it was difficult to run a fast pace on a trail. I was a bit afraid of what would happen with my weak ankles, but later learned that this variety in surfaces was just what I needed, and that I was even good at it.
I found my golden nut during my glorious 10 months of trail running just prior to my diagnosis of breast cancer. During this time I completed my first “ultra”-marathon, achieved 4 top ten female finishes, and even one first place female (top 4 overall). What a thrill for me, coming off of road running where, for me, the only “competition” was against my own self, or the clock.
As I trained for specific trail races with Tejas Trails, I had also simultaneously stayed on with my road running and by certain chance found myself training with the Team Rogue group coached directly by Steve Sisson. For some reason, to my benefit, TR allowed me to attend 1x per week out of their scheduled 3x per week. This was the perfect complement to my schedule, and I got to continue to hang out and run with good friends and motivated people. I also got to continue to benefit from coaching ideas and motivational words by Steve, even though primarily from the sidelines. "Relentless Forward Progress". Words once used by Steve to describe what should be part of one’s race plan when running a 100 mile trail race. I love those words, and have taken them on as my personal motto. I hope also to have the chance again one day to perseverate on these words during another Ultra Run of my own.
What's sort of funny now, is that, other than living and enjoying life, simply continuing to show up for my Tuesday morning group run is one of the goals I have. What's more interesting is that, while I am (I believe) the only person in the group currently going through chemotherapy, and not even training for a race, the new and current Team Rogue coach, John Schrup, (who met me only months prior to my diagnosis) treats me with interest equaled to that of the fastest runner, or those with the most potential. I believe that he understands me, and what I need to continue my push toward relentless forward progress.
Emily Selby Howell 1.24.11
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Here's the link to the Austin Fit Article online:
http://www.austinfitmagazine.com/latest
One additional interesting note is that after the interview, i found out that Relentless Forward Progress is actually already a book written as a guide to ultrarunning. I've purchased it and i'm about half way through.
Here's a review of the book:
http://running.competitor.com/2011/04/features/book-review-relentless-forward-progress_24965
It is a pretty good article, despite my personal let down in a couple of areas. Foremost, being that the hard copy magazine of the article incorrectly named one of my road running coaches as the coach my trail group, and left out the trail running coach, and my trail running friends all together. Sorry guys! I was dissapointed also, that the girl who interviewed me said that the article that i wrote would actually be in the magazine. It wasn't, but some quotes were taken from it. The article was incorrect when it said that i did not miss any Tuesdays in the 24 week period of chemo, except once for the flu. It is true that I only missed one Tuesday due to the flu during the 12 weeks of Taxol treatment, but I definately missed 1-2 Tuesdays each 3 week period during the 12 weeks of every 3 Week Adriamycin, Cytoxin treatment. Some weeks I could barely walk by the first Tuesday after treatment. I believe I did make it to at least every 3rd Tuesday, though. Part of my being able to miss the least amount possible was due to how I had arranged my schedule. Due to the fact that me making it to these workouts was a priority, I actually scheduled my chemo on Tuesday mornings.... After my runs. So, Tuesdays would mostly land the furthest point from any treatment.
Here is the article I had written back in January and sent in to Austin Fit Magazine. I had hoped they would publish this article as a way to thank everyone involved in these awesome running groups, promote these inspirational coaches, and to point out how poeple can gain different inspirations and benefits from different, yet similar situations. I'll post what i wrote first, then you'll see the link to the Austin Fit Article titled "Inspiration."
Oh yes, the other thing was that when the assistant editor told me that they were going to use my idea for the Inspiration issue, i was very excited because i thought that they were going to use my article, and do a lay out of the three running groups/coaches i mentioned.....which was my idea/point. When they ended up using me as one of the inspirational persons, it was a bit awkward (even though it was pretty fun). Even at the last minute, at the photo shoot, I was really expecting, Joe Prusaitis (Tejas Trails), Gilbert Tuhabonye (Gilbert's Gazelle's), and Steve Sisson and John Schrup (Rogue) to be there for a group photo. That would have been so cool. Oh well, it exists in my head.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Now that I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and am undergoing chemotherapy I've had the chance (time during infusions, blood draws and drug induced bed rest) to reflect on what these three Austin running groups have given me, in the past, and even now, as they continue to provide support above anything expected, and likely beyond what they are aware. They are each led by local icons, whose personal stories and running resumes have brought this, and I'm sure many other runners, and readers, to tears. Each group has a strong sense of community and respect for individualism, and each has provided, for many, the motivation and skill required to complete and even excel at difficult tasks including marathons, ultra-marathons and life.
This is part of my story:
In 2003, my beautiful daughter Adaline was unexpectedly born with severe brain damage leading to a life of cerebral palsy, dependent care, and seizures. Once I surfaced from the depths of 2 years of sadness, I joined the Rogue Moms marathon group for the 2005-2006 Austin Marathon Training season and what would be my first marathon. This group, led by Steve Sisson (bios: http://www.roguerunning.com/aboutus_bios.php , http://www.texassports.com/sports/w-xc/mtt/sisson_stephen00.html) , and more directly coached by Carolyn Mangold taught me that I could live again, be happy, and enjoy friends and personal goals. It also taught me that i could even thrive utilizing the methodological progression of fitness.When the Mom's group split up I followed one of my closest new mom friends, Lisa, over to Gilbert's Gazelles, where my goal was to qualify for the Boston Marathon. (Check out this bio on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_Tuhabonye ) But, what I learned was the importance of heart, courage, and the safety and momentum of a pack. Not to mention the benefit of a strong “core”. This group, led by Gilbert Tuhabonye himself, provided me with the ability to Boston qualify, and more importantly, the courage to attempt to have a second child which my husband and I were able to do, 13 months after my running of "the Boston". I will always credit this Gazelles group for my ability to conceive "of" my second child.
Four months after my healthy sweet baby boy Ace Henry “Selby” Howell was born, I returned to a Rogue Austin marathon group beginning in September 2007, which met only 2 times per week versus the 3 times per week of The Gazelles. I felt this would better fit into my schedule with a nursing newborn, a 3 year old in a wheelchair, and a full time job as a Physical Therapist (I know, ironic). I joined this group with no real goals other than to get back to running with no intention of making any more friends. I had already made many very close friends from the Rogue Moms and then The Gazelles. But what do you know, but people in this group made their way into my life and onto my list of friends (before Facebook), even best of friends. This group did indeed get me back to running and was the springboard for more to come. My injury that season due to my overzealous attempt to return to "fast" pace running, which I blame on my speedy weight loss with the combination of nursing and distance running, lead me to seek out a way to continue running, and recover from injury, simultaneously. My first thought was…. How about shorter distances? But, I quickly realized that shorter distances would just make me want to run faster. What I felt I needed now was slower running... How about trail running? I had heard it was difficult to run a fast pace on a trail. I was a bit afraid of what would happen with my weak ankles, but later learned that this variety in surfaces was just what I needed, and that I was even good at it.
This quest for running with a decreased focus on pace, and increased focus on less injury led me to my entrance into the unknown world of trail running, and my joining of Tejas Trails. This group being led by Joe Prusaitis, one of Austin’s most seasoned trail, and ultra-runners (Please refer to his impressive ultra bio http://www.tejastrails.com/docs/JoeBio.html ) and assisted by Robert Heynen. When I joined this group and this new world I had no idea what I was doing. I was actually even confused most of the time, but found myself feeling very excited by the environment and the new challenges. Ironically, and to my very pleasant surprise I found out that my good friend Lisa, whom I had followed from the Mom’s to The Gazelles, and with whom I had not run in 2 years, due to life circumstances, was also joining the Tejas Trails in order to train for the Bandera 50K!
This group, Tejas Trails, whose race plans may as easily be based on effort levels and scientific nutrition facts, as they could be based on the random gathering success of a "blind squirrel" (inside joke), gave me the ability to truly open my eyes during a run, and enjoy the thrill of taking it all in, even while at times running completely out of control.I found my golden nut during my glorious 10 months of trail running just prior to my diagnosis of breast cancer. During this time I completed my first “ultra”-marathon, achieved 4 top ten female finishes, and even one first place female (top 4 overall). What a thrill for me, coming off of road running where, for me, the only “competition” was against my own self, or the clock.
As I trained for specific trail races with Tejas Trails, I had also simultaneously stayed on with my road running and by certain chance found myself training with the Team Rogue group coached directly by Steve Sisson. For some reason, to my benefit, TR allowed me to attend 1x per week out of their scheduled 3x per week. This was the perfect complement to my schedule, and I got to continue to hang out and run with good friends and motivated people. I also got to continue to benefit from coaching ideas and motivational words by Steve, even though primarily from the sidelines. "Relentless Forward Progress". Words once used by Steve to describe what should be part of one’s race plan when running a 100 mile trail race. I love those words, and have taken them on as my personal motto. I hope also to have the chance again one day to perseverate on these words during another Ultra Run of my own.
What's sort of funny now, is that, other than living and enjoying life, simply continuing to show up for my Tuesday morning group run is one of the goals I have. What's more interesting is that, while I am (I believe) the only person in the group currently going through chemotherapy, and not even training for a race, the new and current Team Rogue coach, John Schrup, (who met me only months prior to my diagnosis) treats me with interest equaled to that of the fastest runner, or those with the most potential. I believe that he understands me, and what I need to continue my push toward relentless forward progress.
Emily Selby Howell 1.24.11
Here's the link to the Austin Fit Article online:
http://www.austinfitmagazine.com/latest
One additional interesting note is that after the interview, i found out that Relentless Forward Progress is actually already a book written as a guide to ultrarunning. I've purchased it and i'm about half way through.
Here's a review of the book:
http://running.competitor.com/2011/04/features/book-review-relentless-forward-progress_24965
Monday, April 11, 2011
Heartbreaking Power
Chorus from song Heartbreaking Power by Richie HowellHeartbreaking Power, powers through, takes all my energy to fend off what you do to me.
Is this coincidental?
This week I’ve been inspired by another blogger that I “met” online, by coincidence. (I’ve never met someone online before.) On Tuesday after I put up my last post, I was looking at my blog stats, to see if they were back up and running, because they had been not counting for a while. Parts of the stats were working and parts not, but one of the stats shows where the searches have come from. One of the searches to my blog came from an online Magazine of sorts called http://www.righthealth.com/ . It sounded intersting, so I went to that site, and the topic was breast cancer. Under the section, Blogs and Advice there was a link to my blog with a short excerpt from it regarding the nerve pain I’d been having since the mastectomy. This was pretty exciting to me! Below the link to my blog was a link to another blog called Some Girls Prefercarnations, http://carnations.blogspot.com/
(I am not suggesting you defect!) also with a quote about nerve pain after mastectomy. I went to that site and did quite a bit of reading. I became a follower and put up a comment to her latest post. I was very excited when Heather, the author, replied to my post with a post on my blog. Anyway, I enjoyed reading her blog. It was very informative, and applicable to my situation. Heather who is a scientist by trade, is a bit more on the technical side than me. That, along with the fact that she has had 33,000 more views to her blog, gave me some food for thought. Hmm. Maybe folks don’t like all the fluff. Possibly, the mental/emotional crap between the tests and appointments is not informative or helpful to others? Nah. While Heather has a different form of breast cancer (Hers is inflammatory …not sure the stage but I’m guessing Stage III, and mine is ductal Stage IIIA) we’ve had a similar course of treatment. She had Chemo first (Neo-Adjuvently) and her Left Mastectomy with Lymph node dissection was Monday March 7th. Mine was Monday March 21st. She’s recently begun the Triple Herceptin, as well. I began mine this past Tuesday. It is pretty interesting having something to read by someone who is on a very similar program, only weeks ahead. It has been nice to hear that I am not experiencing pains that are very unusual. I am bummed, however, that she got her drains out in 15 days, and mine took 21 and really could have stayed in longer. Mine had not been taken out at week 2 because the doctor wanted the drainage to measure less than 20 cc in 24 hours.
On a side note, this is the outfit i had on when my friends at "the other" coffee shop asked me if i was headed out to the Texas Relays. I'm pretty sure they were asking me, like i was going to race. It made more sense though when one of the girls said she thought it was "like potato sack races, or something".
The surgeon went ahead and took out the drain today, despite the fact that the drainage was still ranging from 45 to 50. Yea!? Catch 22. I may have to return in a week to have any build up removed with a needle. I am unfortunately beginning to think it is my fault that the drainage did not decrease like it was supposed to. I figure I’m likely overdoing it with exercise, and in general. The exercise addict in me does not want to admit that though. I did wait 5 whole days after surgery before even walking. But, it’s true that by day 7, I walked 60 minutes on the trail, and have been walking an average of 70 minutes 5 days a week, since. (Hey, the surgeon said I could walk or ride a stationary bike!) I do try to hold my arm still.
Here's a You Tube link to the song performed by Downtube Shifter(great picture quality, not great audio, except keyboard :)) if you'd like an idea of the tune. I suggest now clicking link then back to the blog to read while listening. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB1psCH2W1w
Prior to this morning, my spirits have been heavy much of the time this week. I’ve even had moments where I felt like my heart was actually breaking. There have, of course, been ups and downs (as seems to be my Modus Operandi).
Due to the fact that I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I am about ½ way through this……here we go again….stick with experience….., I’ve even begun to question if at any point I will actually truly give in to the method. Give in enough that I will no longer feel the heartbreak? Not the physical heartbreak caused by the Herceptin, which is technically killing my heart and decreasing its potential for output (or ejection fraction), i'm talking about the heartbreak of giving in to the method, allowing patience, and more recently of severely missing my coping mechanisms which are embedded in exercise. Running in particular. Every morning I step outside and my first thought is still the current temperature and how it would feel to run today. As I drive or walk around town, or on the trail, I still have vivid memories of runs I’ve had in the past. For the first seven months, all of these thoughts gave me hope and were reminders of reasons to keep up the battle. Now, these thoughts are beginning to elicit these feelings of heartbreak.
This week while attempting to power through the heartbreak, I’ve been trying to remember that it is this awful method that is saving my life. .
Remember earlier posts such as MRI results – No Cancer. Pathology results - Clean. These are wonderful things! I am truly grateful. I have to admit, however, that these facts, along with comments from male friends of mine that believed it was now no longer necessary to return for more cancer treatment, have made the next 7 months (the 6.5 weeks of radiation, the 9 more months of chemo and another hard core surgery) seem a bit more difficult to accept. Overkill is one thought that comes to mind. These facts have also, however, given me back a bit of control, as I noted when I went to see the oncologist and receive my first dose of triple Herceptin. As I was sitting in the waiting room for infusion, a nurse came up to me, sat down and said…..”There’s been a small hitch in your treatment today…..Your MUGA or Echo (test for cardiac function) is overdue. You must have one done every 3 months, and it has been 3.5 months since yours was done. We can do the chemo today, but the doctor has to sign off on it”. With that, I pulled out my new “I DO NOT HAVE CANCER CARD” that i didn't really even realize that I had until that moment, and said….Whatever you need to do, in order to not allow this wait fest to go on like it did the last 2 times I was here, is what you need to do. If you need to go into the doctor and bust the door down right now to get him to sign off, then that is what you need to do. I will not wait here for much longer. I will leave. ….And you tell him “I don’t have cancer anymore”. The nurse went away, and she came back in a few minutes and said “that worked”...
Don’t get me wrong. I’m signed up. I’ve paid the fees. I’ve done the base miles. I intend to complete this event. But, it did give me a strange kick to say it out loud. Risky, but liberating.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Words With Friends....Part Two: Run Like Hell
This Tuesday morning, I WWF’d, Scrabbled and Jumble Lite ‘d (Anagram word game …Thank you Margaret) my ass off in order NOT to Scream, Cry or “Go Chemo” on someone.. Let me back up.
My morning couldn’t have started out better. I was back to my Tuesday morning running group. Yes, I had to miss last week (1 miss out of 12 weeks this round…not bad) due to vomiting then chest congestion illness. But, I was back with a vengeance by Tuesday. It was great. It was perfect weather for me. High 40s/low 50s. I actually ran with my old POD (that’s what I call my group of people who consistently run together) for about 38 minutes, then, I turned back, in order to avoid overdoing it. I felt like I could have kept going, due to my increased RBC count, but knew I should not, due to deconditioned muscles and joints. So I turned, and I was able to keep the pace for most of the way back. Total time of 80 minutes with run time of 75 minutes, at a decent pace. No push, but not slogging. My goal for the end of these 2 rounds of chemo was to be able to still run 6 miles on my long run. I did do that even the last week of Taxol, but I wanted to make sure that I could still do it even after being ill for a whole week. It was very important to me to make it this Tuesday, being the last Tuesday before my (first) surgery. Last week, despite being ill, missing 2 days of work, my Tuesday run, and chemo, I did sneak in 2 yoga sessions and 2 very short and easy runs. Photos of my Sunday run were posted earlier, from my phone. It was a nice run as you can see. My 30 minute trail wolg (Like slog but slower, closer to walking) was also very nice and, a bit emotional. I took this photo, because I thought..…this might be the last time I wear this shirt on the trail, or even need a jog bra for a while.
But, as it turns out, I did do another trail run with Lisa at my Hill of Life ( I love that I get to run at a Place called Hill of Life) on Thursday, and another again today with Cindy R. So, I’ve gotton to run with all my closest running buddies in one week! J. It would have been cool if I could have made it out to Tejas Trails this week, but, I got to spend the day at SXSW with Richie J. After the Tuesday run, my friend Chuck had helped me plan a more special than usual post run breakfast at Annie’s downtown. I really wanted to spend a nice morning with the people that I have been having Tuesday breakfast with off and on for the past 24 weeks. It was great. The core group and most of the supporting cast showed up. Also our coach John Schrup made it and we had the chance to make a special toast to him. I had wanted to make a point of thanking him for taking such a personal interest in his runners, which actually included me all this time, despite my inability to truly train. I had written a little article and submitted it to the local FIT magazine a few months ago that was an attempt to thank all of the running groups I had been in over the past few years, and the recent support I have received from my current Team Rogue group. I did finally receive an email back from the magazine and they said that they want to use my idea in August in an issue that I believe would suit the idea just right. I won’t divulge more, in case they do end up using it. Anyway, I wanted to thank Schrup more personally, and sooner than August, and in case it ends up not happening. So, breakfast was great, the company was great, and I gained one more WWF Friend J. I’ve now got 6. AND interestingly, All 3 of the Cindy’s that I hang around with, are currently beating me.
But as they say, all good things must come to an end. Who said that? That is simply rude. Anyway, breakfast was over, so then I was off to the pre-surgical office visit with the Surgeon. Dr. H. Lamar Jones. He seems like a nice enough guy. And, he seems like he would be good at surgery. I don’t really know what makes someone seem good at that, but he does. I expressed my concern with the surgery being scheduled at 2:00 in the afternoon and that I, myself start going downhill around 2:00. He assured me that those are normal working hours and he would be fine. I said “O.K. you’re the one that matters…As long as you feel good about it.” We proceeded to discuss the upcoming surgery and he mentioned that he recommended that we only do the mastectomy on the right side this time around. That we wait to complete the mastectomy on the left at the time of the reconstruction. I, initially, of course, think this is some sort of trick. Some way, to somehow, screw me in the long run. After he explained that it’s best if the left side only has one surgery, it made more sense. We are only waiting on the reconstruction on the right due to the radiation. The left side is not being radiated. If i didn’t have to radiate the right side, we would be doing reconstruction right away. Despite the fact that it all sounded reasonable, I still struggled with the fact that it was different than what I was expecting. It is still very difficult for me to adjust my mindset. Even now after it’s been pounded in my head, and punched in my face, over and over during this treatment, that nothing is set in stone, or even semi predictable. Next we discussed the sentinel node biopsy. He said that because the original biopsy of the nodes did show cancer in the nodes, that they will need to go ahead and take out the first “level” of nodes and maybe even part of the second level, even if we did do a sentinel node biopsy, and it showed no cancer (Which it likely would, because the MRI showed no cancer). At this point we pretty much expect that we would not see any cancer in the biopsy, but he would still have to recommend taking them out due to the fact that it was originally there, and the original nature of the cancer was aggressive. I need a bit more time to digest all of that. Now off to make it on time to my 10:45 chemo treatment. No doctor visit. Only the “30” minute Herceptin.
I waited in the waiting room for an hour. Played all my goes at Words with Friends and several rounds of Jumble Lite…. made it to level 8. It's amazing the power of anxiety. Then, they called me back to the infusion room. One more hour passed...i typed that like it came easy.... and then the nurse came over to begin to hook me up. She showed me the meds which looked significantly larger than usual. I asked her about the dosage and she stated it was the triple dose. I corrected her in that I was to complete the 12th single dose this week, since I missed last week and then start the triple dose in three weeks, as recommended by the oncologist. Plus, I did not want to begin a triple dose within 1 week of the surgery, in case it was not the “breeze” that they have said it would be. My predecessor at work has told me that the triple dose Herceptin killed her…..i had that on my mind as they were telling me again it would be a breeze. I was finally hooked up and dripping by 1:15 and out of there by 2:15. Only 3.5 hours for what was supposed to take 30 minutes. I was only 2 hours later to work than expected. For some of you this might not seem so bad, but for me this is torture. (Refer to control issues). Sitting and not doing anything is very challenging for me. Yoga is a good start, but as my friend Chuck pointed after our “very slow” yoga class that I really need to continue to learn more patience by backing off of the more intense classes and do more of this type of mind/body thing and relaxation. OK. “Done, I said. But really that was only because I have surgery on Monday, so I really can’t take credit for that mature choice.
As I mentioned, I’m calling this phase Words with Friends. Initially in honor of my introduction to this awesome iphone scrabble game, but also because I wanted to take extra time with family and friends. I feel I’ve been successful. I’ve mentioned all the running dates I’ve had, but also last weekend I spent time with my family doing what we love best,
and this weekend spending time with my BF from high school Amy VB. To top off the weekend we have the Downtube Shifter SXSW tube top extravaganza, where I will see many of my friends from in and out of town alike!
Recently, during words with one of my newest (yet most mature at age 90) friends, she asked me…What are you going to do after all of this chemo and surgery?” While I realized at that moment that I had not really had too much time to think about that, I stated without hesitation, and with strong intention…. “Run Like Hell”….and I had a Forrest Gump like vision in my head.
Surgery is still scheduled for Monday at 2:00. Unless, something changes, or i change my mind.
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