The Long Run Or...From Hills to Vale and Back Again

OK..... I'm in it....For It.

If I can endure 1 year, or 7.5 miles of the flattest of the flat, the straightest of the straight, I can do (runwalk) anything!



Reminds me of my first Mastectomy.



 

Remember....I was used to this:

Trail Hills

Me before mastectomy

This week I made it over a "couple of humps".  Sunday, I ran that FLAT terrain while on vacation the day after a "full" day at the beach (with my breast friends).  Then, on Tuesday,  I made it over the 10 mile long run milestone.  It was an interesting phenomenon.  On Monday I was having some shin/leg pains and I was saying to my Ultra Trail Running Training  Partner, Jack: "Jack,  I'm just not sure if I'm "cut out" for this running business."  He replied with, of course, a quote from Ultrarunner extraordinaire, Scott Jurek, "Not all pain is significant". Hmm.  (Damn you psychologists!) (Hey, there's a cant in significant, weird).

Well, on Tuesday my friends and I "set" out for a 9-10 mile long run and I'll admit I felt pretty horrible for most of the run.  (Hey, It's hot here, and I'm fat... wah).  I considered the Jurek quote several times during the run. We ended up completing the 10, extremely slow,  miles.  I felt happy to be done.  Where the phenomenon came in was later in the day when my leg pains had resolved, and I felt better than I have since before my breast reconstruction surgery.  It gave me an extra "boost" when my co-workers asked me how far I had run that morning and I "beamed" as I said 10 miles!  I realize I still have a long way to go with my training, but at least I've "built" a bit of a base, and I'm ready to PUSH it UP from here.  Any and all training TIPS are welcomed!

As you can see, I'm spending "equal parts" of my time preparing for the NYC marathon, and my Boob Debub Celebration.   (Trust me, I'm not "padding" the stats here.)

I hope many of  you will be able to participate!




Be Superfluous.
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More Than a Woman

58 hours. Or, approximately 2.5 days until I'll be standing at the starting line of of this race that has consumed me, or filled in any spare mental space, for the better part of the past 7 months. Hopefully, I'll be standing there well rested and feeling good.  Hopefully my recent setback of left leg problems will not interfere. Hopefully.

The past 2 weeks has been an interesting and somewhat insightful time for me.  Taper madness is a common thing amongst athletes who have been intensly training and then back off in order to rest for their race. This has defintely entered my situation.

check out this crazy tape job.  yes that is my leg.

I think,  also,  that since I've done an EXTREME taper, I've had even extra time to think about things, and relax a bit, and it's been a good thing.  I've had a bit of time to sort of do a little travel down memory lane. This trip started with a visit to my old gym near our old pink house on the East Side.  We lived there for 10 years and moved out when Ace was 1 and a half.  I loved that house and the location, but we moved out for more space, more yard, better schools, and quieter night sleep.  That house was right next to The University.  I was at the gym in order to attempt some exercise on Sunday, the day after my last post where I was sitting on my couch, opting out of my 15 mile run.  I realized I was still not ready to attempt running, and the only thing I could think of was to attempt aquajogging.  Well, once I AquaFlogged around for about 25 minutes while some creepy old guy was standing in the hot tub staring at my one boob, I decided I'd had enough of that.  This reminded me how I really hated aquajogging. This experience proved to be the opposite of trail running.  It also reminded me in no uncertain terms, that have one breast, and I do not like that, either.  Especially in a bathing suite.   I followed my "work out" with a visit to my old neighborhood coffee shop that I used to love. I had spent many an hour pushing either Adaline, or Ace, or both in a jogging stroller to visit this place...  Cherrywood Coffee House.  I had just enough time to get my coffee and read the latest post on Some Girls Prefer Carnations Blog.  Heather, the author, mentioned that she had recently completed reading a book called "No Less a Woman" which discussed topics of Breast Reconstruction and why or why not women would want to have it done.  I was seconds away from ordering the book online when it occurred to me that this book might  not apply to me because I never really thought of myself as a woman before cancer.  Really.  So  how could the fact that having one breast be threatening my womanhood? The answer is, it's not. I realized immediately that, if anything, I am definately Much MORE of a WOMAN now than I ever was before.   I'd like to think maybe even ... "More Than a Woman", as was so eloquently sung by the Bee Gees back in the late 70's for the album and movie Saturday Night Fever. 



Since we're going down memory lane. 

Please do not take me wrong.  I am not making fun of this book, and I am still interested in reading it. And, just the mention of the book itself has already been helpful to me.
Next stop was an attempt at trail jogging on Tuesday morning.  I skipped my Tuesday Rogue Run for the first time in?? maybe 6 months, so it got me thinking about that, and what an impact that has made in my life over the past year and a half.

My attempt at trail running did not go so well.  It turned into a walk jog, but it was a very nice morning.  It had been raining here and the Barton Creek had water down to the 360 entrance and beyond for the first time in over a year.  This reminded me of my training 2 years ago when the creek was full the whole training season.   It also gave me time to remember my return to attempting to walk jog after my surgery.

My next stop was a  visit to the YMCA for more aquajogging. This time with my training partner and friend Lisa who is also struggling with a leg irritation herself.  (Otherwise why in the Hell would she be aquajogging?)  This stop helped me realize once again, how much friendship plays a role in a person's ability to complete difficult tasks, and difficult life situations, and even make them enjoyable.  60 minute aquajog completed :) 

Lisa and me outside Hill of Life after surgery.

My Saturday attempt at a long run of 8 miles went O.K. regarding the leg. Some foot issues, but not really much worse.  More importantly, I enjoyed every minute of the time out on the trail.  I started later than usual (Than EVER really) due to the fact that i had gone out the night before to see Downtube Shifter ROCK the Carousel lounge.  I also got to run with my friend Cindy again.  This run really brought things full circle for me.  Cindy had been there with me at the start.  As I was scraping my way back to the trail during chemotherapy. And again after surgery and radiation.

I was weak and bald, and it was oh so dry and hot.

Me and Cindy during Chemo

And again after surgery.

Me at Hill of Life After Surgery

Now, my hair is out of control and the water was in the creek in places she'd never seen it.  It was like we were kids out exploring an area for the first time, despite the fact that i've logged literally hundreds of miles there.

Me last this past weekend at Barton Creek

During our run we ran into Lisa and Jack, the two people I've done the bulk of this training season with.  This was the perfect place for us all to reunite, discuss the race a bit and  have some laughs about our own selves.

Me, Jack, Lisa

 "This Fanny Pack is SaWeet!"  Only a trail runner would say that, Jack!



The next week I found myself back in another one of my old neighborhoods, and now aquajogging at the crack of dawn outside at this outdoor pool that I used to walk across the street to go swimming in.

I found myself actually "enjoying" this aquajog.
This new affinity for aquajogging, and this.. "sign"...,

 I've taken as proof that people, and things, can change, or improve in a matter of days.

Spring is now in the air here.  Richie's band Downtube Shifter just secured a show during the South By Southwest Music Festival on Saturday night at 6:00.  You know me....This reminded me of last year's SXSW show and how all my friends came out wearing Tube Tops to support DownTube Shifter and to support me on the eve of my first Mastectomy. 

SXSW 2010 TubeTop Extravaganza

Richie March 2012

If you are good at puzzles, you've probably already figured out where I'm going with all this.  I've just gotten off of the phone with the nurse for the plastic surgeon.  She is working on scheduling my left mastectomy and bilateral reconstruction.  This surgery will be planned for sometime in the first half of April, on a date that both the regular surgeon, and the plastic surgeon can get together at a hospital that we can all agree on.  It has already been scheduled once, with my old surgeon, who I actually do like very much.  He wouldn't,  or couldn't go to the more preferred hospital, so now i'm choosing to change surgeons and have the surgery performed at a different hospital. 

I'll end with the fact that this taper has also given me the opportunity to spend some more fun time with the family.  I know I've mentioned it before, but I have super cute kids:

I don't know where he gets it.

I would say wish me Luck, but it is clear that I already have it. :)

Reconstruction

“I'm a woman with 1  D cup. My shirts won't even stay in place without my heavy rubber prosthetic breast.  I wanted to do the bilateral mastectomy from the beginning, but the doc wouldn't do it until reconstruction. I really dislike being lopsided. The prosthesis is a hassle. Also, sometimes I see, or feel my mastectomy side and it makes me sad, especially next to the breast that is still there that should eventually be removed.  Sometimes I think I'll be ok with 2 mastectomies without reconstruction, and other times I do want something built in (smaller though)to fill a swimsuit.”

This above comment is something that I wrote in response to a blog that I follow.  Some Girls Prefer Carnations.

In her recent post, the author Heather was discussing breast reconstruction after mastectomy.   Since writing the comment, I’ve had some more time to think about all of this.  I Love how Heather is very confident and sure in her decision not to have reconstruction.  I WISH I could feel the same way.  The full story  is that, I DO NOT WANT to have another surgery.  I’ve had 2 C-Sections, and a Right Mastectomy.  The Mastectomy, which the doctor stated might take 4-6 weeks to recover from (without radiation), is,  even now, 6 months after the surgery date, still causing me problems.  I am , as a matter of fact,  this very day,  seeking medical attention for the severe tightness in my pectoralis major and minor that is compressing a nerve and causing some tingling in my hand.   I am afraid of the next surgery.  Even when I consider the least invasive of options which is just having the mastectomy on the left without any reconstruction, I am afraid of the risks and the lingering tightness that I am currently experiencing.  You may be asking…Why even have the mastectomy on the right?  Well, the doctors recommend it due to the fact that I’ve had breast cancer (which was an aggressive form) and  I’m only 41 years old.   I actually agree with this medical recommendation.  I am considered high risk, I do not want to go through breast cancer treatment again.   Also, now that I’m super lopsided, AND I DO NOT LIKE IT, the idea of leveling things out sounds great to me.  When this all of this treatment started,  reconstruction sounded like the obvious decision.  Badda Bing….Chemo, surgery, reconstruction, back to normal life with “right-sized” breasts J.  Just another small RIF.  (Reduction in Force for those of  you who have not yet been directly affected by the economy).   Now, after living with  post-surgical tightness and discomfort, and understanding that there will not really be feeling in the area(s), it seems less obvious.  However, as I mentioned above, I don’t like dealing with the prosthesis, and I’ve mentioned a time or two….I DO NOT LIKE being LOPSIDED.  It is not simply a matter of how it looks (although it does make me turn for a second look whenever I pass a mirror)  it is how it feels.   I like the Carnation’s author and readers’ opinions that everything in the world does not have to be “matchy, matchy”, and that there is “beauty in asymmetry”.  I hear all that, and would agree, but,  it just doesn’t feel right to me.  Also, while I really have never wanted the larger cup size that I have/had, I have become accustomed to having something there.  I have enjoyed filling out a bathing suit or a low cut shirt.  With that said, other than the severe tightness, the lopsidedness, and the extreme reminder of what I’ve been through,  the mastectomy site itself does not really bother me.  It does not feel bad not to have something there.  I even kind of like it in some ways.  As I’ve mentioned, I do look like a faster runner on that side.      

Had I not been typing the above entry from my ephone, I would likely have mentioned all of this.

In the light of this discussion, I’ve decided to name this phase of my life just that.  Reconstruction. This is the time period in which I’ll be working to re-build my physical and mental strength in order to run a 50 mile run, and to be able to make a sound decision regarding my future with surgery.

On that note, Reconstruction is well under way.  Here is an example of a very good sign:  Yesterday, when my alarm failed to go off at 4:45 am for my Tuesday morning 5:30 a.m. group run, and I woke up at 6:08 a.m. I was very upset.  I was able to gather myself and still make it out the door, drive downtown, and start running my solo 8 mile road run by 6:31 a.m.  I completed the run without a walking break despite lack of conversation, high temperatures and large hills J.

P.S. We'll miss you Bastrop.

"Do NOT paint a bicycle" or Elusive A-1

A few weeks ago when I began researching “How to Write a Book”, I found it hilarious that the first thing I found on my Google search was the exact same recommendation that Richie had had found several years ago, when he had researched… “How to Paint a Bicycle”.    The first and foremost instruction was,  1.)  “Do NOT paint a bicycle”.  Then it went on, “But if you must…” followed by a list of other things that must be done with descriptions of how it will all go wrong if you choose to ignore instruction #1.  The information I found in my search was at least as limiting and equally as likely. (You know, things like, it’s a waste of time, you’ll never finish, and it will only cause heartache).  Later that week, I randomly stumbled on something written by Alan Ginsberg titled: “On How to Write”. Each section of discussion included a list of quotes by writers and philosophers.  One of the quotes that struck me the most was by Poet, Ezra Pound…  “Direct Treatment of the ‘Thing’ ”.  It was within the section of discussion called “Plan…or…Method”.  I immediately began thinking how Radiation is the part of this Method (the oncologists treatment plan) that is the direct treatment of the thing/cancer.  (The chemotherapy was “regional” and the surgery was “local” to use some of my oncologist’s favorite terminology.  During the radiation, they shoot very carefully calculated beams, or “tangents”,  of radiation, directly at the tissues that are considered at risk for recurrence. )               I then wondered if Mr. Pound had ever had radiation treatment. 

This week I’ve had another head-on collision with my frienemy  “The Method”. 

The week started off pretty well.  Each day, as I had planned for my personal entertainment, I had taken note of what was different about treatment each day:  One day I got a nice text from a friend, and one day I noticed in the background, the song “if you like Pina Colada’s”, which reminded me of a conversation that Richie and I had recently had on a beautiful day on the beach at the coast.  Another day, I noticed that the photo on the ceiling in one treatment room had a boat in the river and the same photo in the other room had no boat.  Yes, that did creep me out.  And the sounds of banjos did enter the mind.  One day I was 5 minutes late, and then had a 45 minute wait due to the earlier power outage that was due to the huge rainstorm that we finally had.  Each day, I tried for the A-1 locker on which I had set my sights, but the key was always gone.   By the third day, I began to wonder if someone before me had put their sights on the A-1 just as I had, and had decided to take it as their own.  I was then disappointed that I had chosen such an average goal.   By the 5^th day, I just couldn’t let it go and I tried opening the A-1 without the key.  It opened, and there was nothing in it.  Had someone gone so far as to take the key?

Then the collision happened. During discussion with the Radiation Oncologist at my weekly appointment, it became fairly clear, that once again, I will likely not get things my way.  Sometime  after my oncologist had told me that reconstruction would be 6-8 months after the mastectomy and radiation, I met with the Plastic Surgeon for a consult.  I was not happy at all with this 6-8 month suggested waiting period.  We ended up primarily discussing the DIEP reconstruction procedure for reconstruction, because I was SURE that it was what I wanted.  Remember? The Genius idea of moving the fat from the abdomen to create breast mounds? And not interfering with any muscle?  Well, I do still believe it is a genius idea, but now that I’ve had the first mastectomy, I’ve all but ruled it out due to the severity of the surgery. The single mastectomy was much more painful and difficult to recover from than I had expected. I’m not even fully recovered as I speak. So, I’ve decided that I would not like to attempt to have 3 incisions all at once.  When discussing the DIEP procedure, in which the reconstruction is supported using blood supply re-routed from the abdomen (which has not been radiated), the plastic surgeon had mentioned that he could perform that surgery within 6-8 weeks of the radiation.  So, that’s what I’ve been thinking and planning despite what the oncologist had originally stated when considering standard saline implants (6-8 months).  I have really wanted to get on with this treatment and have it all completed so that I could move forward with my life, so my mind attached itself to the 6-8 WEEK scenario. The part that I forgot was that I have pretty much chosen to change reconstruction procedures.  Whatever I will end up having done now, will be using the blood supply from the area of the previously radiated tissues, not fresh re-routed tissues. Therefore, when discussing my post radiation plan, the radiation oncologist mentioned that the plastic surgeon would not touch me earlier than 6 months after radiation.  He also said he’s seen others’ try it sooner and the tissues/reconstructions have failed!

So, Dear Method, you have won again.  I will follow instruction #1, and I will Not Paint THIS Bicycle (right now).  But, after merely one (more) evening of feeling sorry for myself, I’ve chosen to look at what the positive options of waiting for this reconstruction could be.  I’ve decided that I could possibly squeeze in a 50 mile run between recovery from radiation and the future mastectomy and reconstruction.  This surgery might even have to wait for me! 

Photo from David's Confusing Blog. Grand Canyon. Please read David's blog on his completion of the epic R2R2R run!

http://youareconfused.blogspot.com/id's

This will give you an idea of what i'm talking about. :)

P.S. !!! To anyone playing me on Words With Friends!  My apps are down!  both the paid for and the free versions no longer working.  I'm not ignoring you or resigning!  If anyone knows how to fix this, please let me know!!! (i've already tried re-syncing but that's all).

Emily

Phase II Round 9: The Downtube Shift

Phase II  Round 9: The Downtube Shift

It’s funny to me, that yesterday, when i told my friend Cindy R. that my blog page was up and running, she said ... “You know I was going to ask you early on if you would consider a blog, but figured that you would... I interrupted, and said... “That I would find it stupid or dorky”....Ahh you know me too well. J  See, this is the kind of thing that Cancer, and all if the bullshit that goes along with the treatment, will force one into. I mean, allow one opportunity for change.

It IS true that I have not been a big fan of the word blog.  In my mind it's always been blahg.  As in blah blah blahg.  Not far from Seinfeld’s yadda, yadda, yadda.  You know, the unnecessary crap, in-between the actual points.  The stuff one would just as soon skip over.

Possibly not unlike: the bloody nose that won’t quit, the decline of fine motor control, and the rise in bone pain, the painful toenails, and the thickening, curling fingernails,  the unreasonable intercourse, chronic bowel issues, and cracking earlobes,  the muscle spasms and severe fatigue,  and, the numbness in the feet and hands.   The crap that just IS, in between chemo treatments, doctor’s visits, and life.  I’m weak, I’m tired, and frankly, when my son reminded me this weekend… “Mom, we still have you”, and, as I was responding....”Please hold on tight Son, I’m gonna need it!,… I began to realize that I am a bit scared, that much more anxious, and would just as soon skip over this stuff all together.

Hence, the BLOG.   The physical construction/design of the blog page itself did help me through at least 12 full hours of ignoring this situation while pretending to focus directly upon it.  Now that I am an official blogger, I can admit that I have read a few blogs and enjoyed them.  Then again, I'm still not on Facebook, so my experience in snooping, electronically, into others' POSTED lives is somewhat limited compared to the average 21st century person.  I must also admit the thrill I experienced when my page clocked its 100th view.  Even though it was by me, and likely at least 50 or so of the other hits were me, as well. 

Today is the 9^th round of the (T-H).  Only three to go.  I can see a flicker at the end of the tunnel.

Yesterday I had a consult with a plastic surgeon Ned Snyder, M.D. to discuss reconstruction after bilateral mastectomy.  I mentioned last week, the D.I.E.P. reconstruction surgery that I was interested in. They use the fat and skin from the abdomen and shift it upward to form breast mounds. They do not cut or move any muscles. 

http://www.snyderma.com/Breast.htm 

Dr. Snyder is one of, I believe, 3 people in Austin who perform this surgery.  The consult was overwhelming, yet entertaining.  I was impressed by the doctor.  Doctor Ned Snyder and his wife Renee have their practice together.  She is a dermatologist, and he is a plastic surgeon.  I’d been to their office before to see Renee and was very impressed by her.  She’s not only nice, and smart, and naturally beautiful, but I must say she had a nice figure.   Richie had referred me there after he had a surgical removal of skin cancer on his face.  He liked Ned. “That guy has his shit together”.  Richie thought that I ought to check to see if Ned did this surgery. “Did you notice how beautiful his wife was?”  Even before I was able to check it out, the Nurse Practioner had given me a list of recommended Plastics guys with Dr. Snyder’s name on it, so I went ahead and made an appointment for a consult.  Like I said, I liked him.  Maybe it was because, when I disrobed for the exam, he said, “oh, you are pretty thin”.  J You know me, I immediately thought, “This guy really knows how to flatter a girl”.  Then he said, “You have “D” Cups, but you have a “B” belly.” 

Really? 

Initially, I thought this was another compliment, and further attempt to inveigle me to become his patient.  But then, I realized that really there should not be a cup size on the Downtube.  The long of the short of all of this is that, while I do have a cup size where one shouldn’t, it is not quite enough to fill the cups that Richie was hoping for.  So, I said, “But what about all this stuff on the side and back??”  Apparently they can’t use that right away for some reason, but after 6-8 weeks they might be able to suck some of that out and inject it where we want it.  I’m really unclear on how that works, or if it is a temporary fix.  To me, it seems that if that worked, that would eliminate the need for implant augmentation, for everyone, but the thinnest people. 

While I have the infusion today, I have my appointment with Dr. Sandbach, the Oncologist, tomorrow due to his schedule.  I’m hoping to begin work on a plan for the timeframe of the surgery, etc.  At this point it is looking like end of March, or beginning of April.

This week was not all bad.  I did get to go out to see a trail that I have wanted to see since I heard about it back in August, just before my diagnosis. It’s out off of 2222.  It’s been called The Stairway to Hell.  While the stairs were a challenge, the view at the top, or near the top, was beautiful. I also I enjoyed jogging and talking with a couple of Tejas Trails women, Alicia and Diana, that I had not run with before.  On Sunday, Richie and I took Adaline and Ace down to the Greenbelt near our house.  It was a beautiful day.  Ace proceeded to jog, yes actual jog, for at least 10 minutes.  He was pacing himself like a champ.  It was so cute.  He even tripped over a rock once and I reminded him to lift his feet, and he did.