Cuts and Scrapes

I mentioned sort of as an aside in my last post about how I took Adaline to the 6 year old Pony Party and that I felt that it was actually a breakthrough for me that the biggest issue I had with the situation was that I had to recognize my inadequacies as a parent.  Realize please that this is in contrast to the anxieties that I was having prior to the party about potentially having unsettling thoughts about Adaline’s disabilities, or how I’m probably the only mom there with one breast.

The past 3 weeks have been difficult in some ways, and that breakthrough got me thinking about why.  It’s because, I’m not only getting back to the great things in life like having more energy, running again, and being able to do fun stuff with friends and family, 

I’m also getting back to everyday life and everyday problems that people just have:  Insecurities about parenting, scheduling errors, work issues, minor injuries, or communication exigencies in marriage.   I realize now that I am simply out of practice with many of these everyday things.  It’s sort of like for the past year the “daily grind” has been on hold in order for me to focus on Cancer Treatment.   In some ways, dealing with a life threatening situation is simpler.  It is more black and white, and in many cases you have no choice, or have little control over your course.   The complexities of relationships and daily life seem to happen around you. 

While a life threatening cut may be more emergent (as in the case of sharkboy…another story), it’s very possible that it not be more painful or even difficult to deal with than a superficial scrape.  With a deep cut, it is clear what to do.  Call the ambulance, go to the hospital, get stitched up and stay off of the thing until it heals. No guilt, no doubt, no remorse.  With a scrape, it is often more complex.   You get up (from your fall) wash it off and go on with your day.  You may wonder all day if the thing is getting infected, or if you should do more about it, but you can still go on with your daily routine, for the most part, until you try that one thing, like kneeling, for example, that causes severe pain or irritation.  You may even have guilt associated with complaining about the pain of such a minor situation.  With a scrape you’ve received no assistance, and likely little family support or sympathy. You’ve doctored the thing on your own the best you know how, yet you may have trouble sleeping at night due to pain from the covers.  The person dealing with a severe cut is likely sleeping like a baby with prescription pain medicine.

Now that I am becoming more aware of my re-entry into active participation in life and it’s everyday intricacies, I am going to try to be more aware of my surroundings and how people and actions are interrelated.   I’m going to try to pace myself, stay focused, and re-learn to lift my feet.

On the physical recovery end of things, I do, at times, not feel totally sloggish while running.  I now have brief interludes, very brief, of feeling O.K. during a run. My Red Blood Count is still Low, and my pecs, lats and triceps are still very tight,. My pecs are forming some sort of myofascial knot just above the axilla that i sometimes confuse for the port, which is on the other side.  The radiation burn has long since healed, but still looks like a deep tan. My hair continues to grow.  My left knee hurts like a burn from this scrape from falling during a "road" run, of all things :).

Phase II: Round 3 and 4 Balls Out!

Phase II (Taxol Herceptin)  Round 3 and Round 4

Round 3 went pretty well overall.  I tested out the driving myself plan, and it went off very well.  My good friend Cindy came by and brought me an awesome Greek Lunch and provided an hour or so of entertainment which helped the 7 hours of doing nothing move along.

 The doctor said the breast exam was "almost" normal.  In that there would always be some scar tissue there. (That is if the breast were still going to be there).  I am officially in menapause, and i can feel my ovaries squeeling in pain as they are being chemically slaughtered.  As it turns out, there are also multiple forms of mucousitis, which i will leave to the imagination. Feeling slightly less "giddy" this week.  Likely due to lower blood counts along with Holiday "let down" and Cedar pollen "UP"  (record high for 7 years).  Not to mention, it's actually been rainy and cold this week which i normally like but have found more of a challenge during menapause and without hair.  I had the chance to exercise 5x this week, but unfortunately ended up opting out of the day 5 due to severe antihistimine hang over.  ""Oh well", "i'll go easy on me this time".  I did get to ride bikes for about 2 hours on Saturday, and did make it for my 6 mile run goal this morning, along with a couple of other easy days, so i figure that is still pretty good.

My beloved Bandera trail race was held this past weekend. Looked like it was a beautiful day. The top 4 men 100K runners broke the course record, with the winner breaking last year's new record by one hour, so it must have been.  Looks like the fast kids are starting to go trail, Gilbert Tuhabonye ;). The women's 100K winner is from Austin and her toddler son's name is Asa.  I, of course, immediately thought, my son's name is Ace (which is a bit more awesome and to the point), and that it could be me winning that race.  Well the two topics may not be exactly relative, and may not even be applicible, but one can dream.  I was reading the trail running blogs of the race sent by my friend Chuck, and then found myself researching 100 milers that would suit my skill.    OK, slow down Howell.  Let's get through the next 9 weeks first, surgery, and completion of 50 miler before considering 100 miles will ya!  Why does running 100 miles even sound like fun?  Even 50 for that matter?  Everything is relative.  I guess with running, at least for the most part, you have control of what you are doing.  Whether you decide to run or walk, finish or not, lose control on the downhills, or step carefully. Those who know me, or who've been followng since the beginning of this email, know that i do struggle with control issues.  My sister has reminded me that while i may not have control of what i must deal with, i do still have control of how i choose to deal with things, with which i agree, and am still working on.  But, running is still way more fun that sitting in the infusion room with other tired bald people, or sitting in a NICU with babies who may or may not make it in the world, as my newest running partner who's 21 month old beautiful baby girl is still not fully out of the woods with medical issues, would agree.  It's freedom. It's nature. And, if you train right (methodically) and run a well planned route, it's good pain. Possibly not unlike the "good" pain of the bones producing more white blood cells, or the the freedom that the ability to wash your head with a damp rag and go, gives you. Even tough things do have their potential to provide opportunity.  Like the fact that i've learned more about my father and father's side of the family in the past week, than i have in the past 10 years, the fact that i now am able to have video phone conversations with anyone willing or technologically able via phone or computer, and that i've had the opportunity to catch back up with some great trail running friends and re-kindle multiple old friendships. Actually, tough things provide increased opportunity for growth and improvement in life if one allows them.  Yes, I did already know the moral of Lance's book by the second chapter, from prior and current experiences (He'd take the cancer over the Tour de France Wins...really? yes, it's because that IS LIFE) and yes i did feel like i'd already been given enough of this type of opportunity, but, as i said to my Surgeon on visit number one, while hunched over with fever and illness due to strep throat,  I want to LIVE! 

So, I'm going to go balls out on this downhill, yet attempt to take consideration of each rock I touch, however lightly!