Am I Back?

I’ve had several people ask me in the past week… “Are you back to running?”  Well, the answer, I guess, is yes.  I’m not AS BACK as I’d like to be, though.  I am struggling.  I’ve been having some difficulty being able to tell if it is the 105 degree weather here, my lower than normal red counts, or just being fat and out of shape (Breast Cancer weight and Post Chemo muscle atrophy) that is causing my struggles.  I’ve been working on the breast cancer weight and I’ve made some progress.  I’ve lost about 3 lbs.  I was working my A** off to eat a diet above and beyond healthy in order to get my red blood counts back up ($12 salads).  4 weeks ago, they were up a little (seemed to be a slow steady rise) but then last week they dipped back down to: RBCs = 3.27 (normal is 4.2-5.4), Hemoglobin = 10.7 (Normal is 12-16) and Hematocrit = 30.5 (Normal is 37-47).  The good news is that this time around my White Blood Cells were Normal at 5.2 with normal range being 4.8-10.8.  So, it is kind of odd or ironic that today, I am actually experiencing a fever/sore throat/illness due to some virus.   Am I back?  Today is a bad day to ask me that.  Ask me in 10 days.  This is how long I’ve got to get over this virus, and get my weekly running average up to 34 miles/week in order to start my 24 week training plan for the 50 mile trail run I want to do on March 3^rd.  My highest weekly mileage, yet, (since surgery) has been 30 (mostly trail miles, however).  That was one week ago, the week before my last Herceptin.  Last week during a down week, my calves began to flare up like they used to…Posterior Tibial Tendonitis, plus some gastroc issues.   September 19 is Day One of my 24 week training plan.   I just completed my spreadsheet for this training plan, and I’m going to tell you the truth, here.  I’m a bit concerned that I’m going to be cutting it pretty darn close and pushing the envelope on what is reasonable considering my medical situation.   Mind you, prior to cancer, when I was training for the Bandera 50K, my plan topped out at 62 miles/week and I commonly did 40-55....but that was before.  One bit of good news is that my Herceptin treatments should be over in the end of December, so I should have 8 solid weeks no chemo (except the daily oral Tamoxifen) before the race.  

Here is what the plan looks like: Click on link below :)

Nueces 50 miler Training Plan : Top 60 miles per week                                                

This is a rough draft, and I’m sure there will be some changes in the plan once I start up with

Tejas Trails.  I’m planning on starting up in October, once the weather cools down a bit more.

Besides being initially upset by my drop in RBC counts, the ensuing complications due to my initiation of iron pills in order to improve the red counts, contracting this irritating virus, and my inability to hold my alcohol, I’ve had a pretty darn good week.    You need to know that I did not take this decision to start taking iron pills lightly.  I’ve been holding out on taking iron, since, basically, the beginning of all of this treatment.  Despite being borderline anemic pretty much my whole life, I’ve never been able to tolerate taking iron pills.  I tried taking them when I was pregnant because I was trying to be a good parent, and I’ll just say that that plan ended with me spending 45 minutes in a friend’s bathroom, during a party, giving what I later called “practice birth” to something too hideous to describe. (Severe Constipation).    But, I’m desperate.  I know I need these counts back up to be able to run…especially up hills.  I plan to ask my physician if I can get a transfusion of my own blood, or EPO, or something, but I’m about 100% sure they won’t do it.  My counts are low, but just not critical according to a new friend of mine who is a chemo nurse. (I know, befriending the enemy….you know what they say…friends close….)  Maybe if I explain that it could become critical at mile 40 or so, they’ll listen.

This week, I had some great times.  It was a holiday weekend and I enjoyed a 4 day Staycation!!  My favorite band, Downtube Shifter, played on Friday night and I was able to go to the show.

Downtube Shifter
Next Show: Saturday October 1st  Carousel Lounge 10 PM!

Downtube Shifter Fans!

It was a late show, and here’s where my inability to hold my alcohol comes in.  It’s not that I drank very much.  On the contrary, actually.  I just don’t have the constitution, or the ability to process the alcohol, so I am a pretty cheap date.  I had a lot of fun on Friday night, but Saturday morning was not pleasant, except that Grammy and Dpo took the boy off to Houston for a 3 year old Princess Party, so we had a quiet day.  I think maybe in some ways it was a good thing to have suffered a bit as a reminder that I need to be putting as few toxins in this body as possible, especially once my 24 week plan starts.  

Saturday afternoon, Richie and I got to go out again, together, onto a party Barge on Lake Austin for a couple of my friends’ birthday party.  It was a blast hanging out with my friends from the Outpatient department! and the weather and sunset were beautiful. 

Awesome Chicks of Outpatient!

This time I paced myself and was able to get up the next morning to complete my 5 mile trail jog on Sunday.  Monday was Labor Day and for the first time in about 3 months the temperature dropped below 74 degrees overnight.  It was awesome.  That morning I got to go out to my beloved Hill of Life and run 7 miles with my good friend, and the temperature was between 75 and 78 degrees and not humid.   It was beautiful, and I did not feel like total F****** S*** during the whole run. I actually had fun.  Progress.  Monday afternoon I enjoyed a wonderful nap, and then some of our close friends came over for a barbeque and fish fry and we got to play outside with the kids and enjoy just being out, for the first time in Months!  What a perfect day!

Truth Is....

I lied.  Prior to my surgery, when one of the very nice people that I work with said to me (meaning the very best, mind you) that, at least now I can have the boobs that I always wanted, I said…”I already have the boobs I always wanted”.  I should apologize, because, firstly, I know she meant well, and it brought her down when I said it, and secondly, as I mentioned, it was a lie.

The truth is, I (now had) had the boobs that many other people wanted.  Don’t get me wrong, they had their “perks” (back in the day anyway), and I do have a lot of really nice Mardi Gras beads.  But, almost on the freaky end of ironically, I never really wanted this gift.   It’s almost even creepy that the first time I remember praying to God, all on my own, it went something like this….”Hello God….Please do not let these things grow any larger.”  I was probably around 10 years old, and at the time, one of only 2 girls in the 5^th grade who needed a bra.  While this is ironic and creepy on so many levels, it is also pretty funny.  My prayer to God may sound familiar to some of you.  Probably because I stole it from Judy Blume, the Author of  “Are you there God?  It’s Me Margaret”.  This is a book that many young girls were reading at around the same time that I was. 

Here is a short exerpt from the book.

“Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. I just told my mother I want a bra. Please help me grow God. You know where. I want to be like everyone else.”

Here is a clip from a late night show of an actor reading from the book to give you a bit more of an idea if you are not familiar.

www.hulu.com/watch84141/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-will-arnett-reads-judy-blume

Outside of the fact that I stole the prayer, and changed the words, I also found it funny that when I was googling the book in order to remember the exact title, I read a book review that actually said…

”Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume may just be one of my all-time favorite novels.” Really? Novel? I’m not dissing you Judy!  I’m talking about it now aren’t I? Anyway, I also I found out that it is on a banned books list with Novels such as, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.  It was banned for its sexual content by religious right.  Uh…why is this funny? Because I was reading this during my Methodist (Or Baptist Lite) Phase, and I thought it was a religious book.   Seriously, years later I was a bit embarrassed that I had read a religious children's book, and liked it.  And, to the BOOK BANNERS, it got me to pray didn’t it?   I suppose it did backfire though, because, if i had to mark it, i'd say it was likely the beginning of my Skepticism.  I know! Some of the most trusting, may be thinking that god is listening now. 

God or no god, I suppose sometimes we all are the butt of life’s little jokes.        

On a side note, the other book that I recall reading during this time period was “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L’Engle.  I was pretty sure this was not a religious book, because my Dad (who was a science and nature guy) also read it, and he thought it was really cool.  It was about time travel through a “Tesseract” or, a Wrinkle in Time and Space. The children in the book had to travel through this Wrinkle to the 5^th dimension, in order to find their father who had been missing for over a year.  My father came to my new house to help fix it up, back in 1999, and I never saw him again.  Who knows.

With all that said, lets get on to the update.  I was attempting to describe to a blogger friend of mine, who is significanltly better with words than I, how I’ve been feeling this week..  “kind of like, in my own bubble, kind of down…”, I said.  ”Isolated” she said.  Yes, I suppose that’s the word that pretty much describes it.  Isolated is not all bad.  I don’t really feel alone, and I am not alone.  I’ve been with friends or family, pretty much all week due to the continued outpour of kindness and generosity.

Cindy R and Me at my new trail entrance

Cindy Above, and Me at the bottom of Hill of Life :)

Generous Meatloaf!



My Loves Humoring me on Trail Hike Bastrop



Outside of this moment:



Movie Theatre All To MYSELF!



Even at this point I was really very happy.  Being in a movie theatre all alone can make you feel like the richest person in the world, and my WWF friends were with me!  

 And this moment:

Photo of Mount Bonnell…here texting my sweet running friend Lisa reminding her that the last time I was here she was kicking my ass up the hill on the back side of this Mt. Bonnell.

And this moment:

Just Kidding:

Just an afternoon at the grocery store :)

On a more serious note, I suppose I was feeling a bit isolated, when I realized that my surgery was exactly 7 months from the weekend that I found the tumor.  So bizarre when it hit me while I was lying in bed, that that breast once hurt from cancer.  I remember exactly what it felt like, and now, it’s just gone. It hurts again, but now from the surgery. The pain is decreasing somewhat, but it is still there, and now my whole chest, back and shoulder are getting tight.  The surgeon told me that that will get worse.  (Did I ever say I appreciated directness?- I don’t think so).  I am frustrated that the surgical drain has not been taken out yet, due to too much drainage, and will not be taken out until later this week, or even Monday of next week.  This is mostly a problem because i cannot take a shower while it is in, and it makes it difficult to get dressed and sleep.  The surgeon states that he wants to be cautious, because it will heal best if we do not rush taking out the drain…..Me'….thud!…Breathe….I’ve been unusually tired, I think due to the healing process, the PAIN, SPASM, (AXIETY), PAIN cycle, and the pain meds.  I’ve been attempting to rest at least daily, and I have been eating more cake than I should, because my Mom said I needed it to get better :).

Tomorrow I go back to see the Oncologist and get my first triple dose of the Herceptin. Yes, back to that godawful place for more chemo. (Wasn’t that phase over?).  I’m sure at some point soon we will discuss the initiation of the 6.5 weeks of radiation.  I’m thinking it will begin within the next few weeks.

PS? Is it wrong to steel photos of your own children off of the internet? 

I say no way, not when they're this cute!!!