Monday, April 4, 2011

Truth Is....

I lied.  Prior to my surgery, when one of the very nice people that I work with said to me (meaning the very best, mind you) that, at least now I can have the boobs that I always wanted, I said…”I already have the boobs I always wanted”.  I should apologize, because, firstly, I know she meant well, and it brought her down when I said it, and secondly, as I mentioned, it was a lie.
The truth is, I (now had) had the boobs that many other people wanted.  Don’t get me wrong, they had their “perks” (back in the day anyway), and I do have a lot of really nice Mardi Gras beads.  But, almost on the freaky end of ironically, I never really wanted this gift.   It’s almost even creepy that the first time I remember praying to God, all on my own, it went something like this….”Hello God….Please do not let these things grow any larger.”  I was probably around 10 years old, and at the time, one of only 2 girls in the 5th grade who needed a bra.  While this is ironic and creepy on so many levels, it is also pretty funny.  My prayer to God may sound familiar to some of you.  Probably because I stole it from Judy Blume, the Author of  “Are you there God?  It’s Me Margaret”.  This is a book that many young girls were reading at around the same time that I was. 
Here is a short exerpt from the book.
“Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. I just told my mother I want a bra. Please help me grow God. You know where. I want to be like everyone else.”
Here is a clip from a late night show of an actor reading from the book to give you a bit more of an idea if you are not familiar.
Outside of the fact that I stole the prayer, and changed the words, I also found it funny that when I was googling the book in order to remember the exact title, I read a book review that actually said…
”Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume may just be one of my all-time favorite novels.” Really? Novel? I’m not dissing you Judy!  I’m talking about it now aren’t I? Anyway, I also I found out that it is on a banned books list with Novels such as, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.  It was banned for its sexual content by religious right.  Uh…why is this funny? Because I was reading this during my Methodist (Or Baptist Lite) Phase, and I thought it was a religious book.   Seriously, years later I was a bit embarrassed that I had read a religious children's book, and liked it.  And, to the BOOK BANNERS, it got me to pray didn’t it?   I suppose it did backfire though, because, if i had to mark it, i'd say it was likely the beginning of my Skepticism.  I know! Some of the most trusting, may be thinking that god is listening now. 
God or no god, I suppose sometimes we all are the butt of life’s little jokes.        
On a side note, the other book that I recall reading during this time period was “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L’Engle.  I was pretty sure this was not a religious book, because my Dad (who was a science and nature guy) also read it, and he thought it was really cool.  It was about time travel through a “Tesseract” or, a Wrinkle in Time and Space. The children in the book had to travel through this Wrinkle to the 5th dimension, in order to find their father who had been missing for over a year.  My father came to my new house to help fix it up, back in 1999, and I never saw him again.  Who knows.

With all that said, lets get on to the update.  I was attempting to describe to a blogger friend of mine, who is significanltly better with words than I, how I’ve been feeling this week..  “kind of like, in my own bubble, kind of down…”, I said.  ”Isolated” she said.  Yes, I suppose that’s the word that pretty much describes it.  Isolated is not all bad.  I don’t really feel alone, and I am not alone.  I’ve been with friends or family, pretty much all week due to the continued outpour of kindness and generosity.
Cindy R and Me at my new trail entrance

Cindy Above, and Me at the bottom of Hill of Life :)

Generous Meatloaf!

My Loves Humoring me on Trail Hike Bastrop

Outside of this moment:

Movie Theatre All To MYSELF!

Even at this point I was really very happy.  Being in a movie theatre all alone can make you feel like the richest person in the world, and my WWF friends were with me!  
 And this moment:

Photo of Mount Bonnell…here texting my sweet running friend Lisa reminding her that the last time I was here she was kicking my ass up the hill on the back side of this Mt. Bonnell.
And this moment:

Just Kidding:

Just an afternoon at the grocery store :)

On a more serious note, I suppose I was feeling a bit isolated, when I realized that my surgery was exactly 7 months from the weekend that I found the tumor.  So bizarre when it hit me while I was lying in bed, that that breast once hurt from cancer.  I remember exactly what it felt like, and now, it’s just gone. It hurts again, but now from the surgery. The pain is decreasing somewhat, but it is still there, and now my whole chest, back and shoulder are getting tight.  The surgeon told me that that will get worse.  (Did I ever say I appreciated directness?- I don’t think so).  I am frustrated that the surgical drain has not been taken out yet, due to too much drainage, and will not be taken out until later this week, or even Monday of next week.  This is mostly a problem because i cannot take a shower while it is in, and it makes it difficult to get dressed and sleep.  The surgeon states that he wants to be cautious, because it will heal best if we do not rush taking out the drain…..Me'….thud!…Breathe….I’ve been unusually tired, I think due to the healing process, the PAIN, SPASM, (AXIETY), PAIN cycle, and the pain meds.  I’ve been attempting to rest at least daily, and I have been eating more cake than I should, because my Mom said I needed it to get better :).
Tomorrow I go back to see the Oncologist and get my first triple dose of the Herceptin. Yes, back to that godawful place for more chemo. (Wasn’t that phase over?).  I’m sure at some point soon we will discuss the initiation of the 6.5 weeks of radiation.  I’m thinking it will begin within the next few weeks.

PS? Is it wrong to steel photos of your own children off of the internet? 

I say no way, not when they're this cute!!!


  1. Wow, you're digging way back in the archives to steal those pics! I had to steal the swing one off the internet myself because it was lost when my old computer died. It's impossible to pinpoint the cutest of all Howellbaby photos, but these two are in the top 5 for sure.
    And by the way, the Blume books are definitely novels. Great ones.
    Thanks for the cake, it made me better and I wasn't even feeling bad :)

  2. I think your mom is right!

  3. Hi Emily! You definitely seem like a "powerhouse". Hopefully your tube removal will provide as much relief for you as it did for me.

    I too have been frustrated by the doctors not keeping me as informed as I should be. Like you, no one told me about the lifetime of nerve pain that I could suffer. We definitely should have been told.