Monday, April 18, 2011

Stream of Consciousness

Stream of Consciousness?

I like the idea very much, but it doesn’t really even make sense to me.  Seems like it would more appropriately be stream of uncontrolled thought.  Either way.  You got it. The real thing.  No artistic endeavor here.
I’m sitting here now, approximately half way through my bag of polenta chips and having just completed the spinach artichoke dip.  These, I ended up buying as an indirect result of an emergency phone call to my husband for his recommendation on whether I should go ahead and get the fast food French Fries that I wanted so badly to go get, because I am feeling pretty down. 
 I’m feeling down for a few reasons, but mainly because it sucks having ONE “D” Cup breast and a thing on the other side that doesn’t want to let go of it’s old life.  Desperately showing it’s desire to continue life as it were alongside it’s old pal, it continues to drain/swell within the skin that was left from the surgery.  It is uncomfortable, and in my opinion ugly and lopsided. It is also becoming a logistical nightmare for me to get dressed.  While I do have my rubber boob, which I must say looks very realistic, it is often too heavy for certain outfits and has recently fallen out the bottom of a sundress I had on.  Plus, right now, when I wear it, it is actually too large (not to mention uncomfortable) because of the swelling that is already there.  
Secondly, I’m beginning to seriously regret not going ahead with the left mastectomy, at the same time as the right, like I wanted to do initially. Yeh, remember the surgeon talked me out of it because it did not make sense to do 2 surgeries on the left breast... That it would be best to just do the left mastectomy at the time of the bilateral reconstruction.  Well, that was 4 weeks ago, when I was pretty sure I wanted to do reconstruction.  Now, I’m not so sure I want that, but, I do want to be LEVEL… EVEN….NOT LOPSIDED.  I’m here to tell you now, unfettered, unedited, that it is not comfortable and I am NOT OK with it the way it is.
Thirdly, I’ve noted that I’m extremely uncomfortable being behind what I consider the normal curve of healing for this surgery.  Not to mention just being uncomfortable.  This fluid filled thing hurts. It forms a pretty large pocket close to my underarm that is begins to compress a nerve.  Last week, on Thursday, I did end up going back to the surgeon to get the fluid aspirated with a needle.  However, this, outside of some cuteness I witnessed with my children this weekend, was probably the funniest thing that happened this week.  That and my friend Peter’s description of NOT CUTE, middle aged trail runners. (Me). Just prior to having the thing aspirated, the surgeon was wiping the area down with the alcohol wipe and I was grimacing while talking telling him that, “I can feel that, and it feels very gross”.  He was talking at the same time he was actually inserting the large needle and saying that “this will not be painful because I will not be able to feel it.”  Well, it was funny to me, because the needle was actually already in there and I hadn’t felt it.  He took off 85 CC and it felt good.  It also flattened the thing out and lifted my spirits quite a bit for 2 whole days.  Then the thing filled back up, and here I am eating polenta chips.

Here is a link to a photo of the mastectomy if you are not faint of heart. Please do not click on this if you have any issues...of any sort.

Now, erase that from your memory.

This week I did my best to take it down several notches (activity and exercise)  to see if I could get this swelling to subside. 

 Here I am pictured drinking my latte and riding that recumbent bike at the gym.

I will admit that I have had the desire to take my coffee drink out on my bike before, but I never did it because I usually needed the room/both cages for hydration fluids.  I also figured that I could not really consider it a workout if I was drinking coffee at the same time I was riding bikes.  I was right.  Not just because I was drinking the Latte’ though, but also because I was on the recumbent bike.  I used to look at other people at the gym who were on those bikes and think, “I don’t think they are really getting a work out”.  Now I know they were not.  Yes, I am dissing the recumbent bike, but only because I’m angry. (Remember, the one boob problem).  It does serve a purpose, though, which is to let my arm relax, while my legs are moving.  And, I am glad I have it as an option, however lame and boring that it is.  I did get to watch a pretty good movie on the Netflix on my iphone while riding it the other day, too. The movie was One Week.  Interestingly, it was about a guy who just found out he had a very aggressive form of cancer. It was a pretty good movie.  I won’t tell you the end, but I’m pretty sure it was made in Canada.
And then there’s THIS: look closely.

A co-worker of mine, who used to be 100 lbs larger, once told me that this was called the “Fat Man’s Knot”.  Despite being a therapist (just PT though, not OT), I’d never thought about that.  People with larger abdomen’s have difficulty bending down to tie their shoe laces.  So, what they do is lift their foot to cross their leg to rest it on the opposite side knee to tie the shoe.  When doing this, the knot ends up being on the medial side of the shoe instead of straight on the top.  This is a photo of my shoes, taken on my most recent trail walk.

Hmm. These chips remind me of Bugels.

1 comment:

  1. Damn, I haven't had Bugels in years! One on every fingertip, right?

    So. Obviously I can't know what you're going through, other than what you post. But I want to read it. And click on forewarned photos. So thank you for putting it out there. I like learning, but more importantly, staying in touch with you.