Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Phase II: Round 5 and 6 - Call for Uplifting Information
Phase II: round 6
This week I'm on a quest for uplifting news.
O.K..... Breathe.....1/2 way, Phase II (Taxol - Herceptin)
I wish were truly a "the glass is half full" person. I am trying.
Today is actually the 7th round so now just over ½ way. 5 more.
There has been a break in my updates because after the 5th round I was feeling pretty down and pretty tired of feeling sick and tired. I started writing something that went like this ...
I don't know if it’s finally the crappy economy spearing its ugly sperm-like head into our nice little Austin "bubble" or what, but it just seems like not-so-good things are happening, to many people that I know....and of course, me.
Just in the past 4 months, I've witnessed 8 people who I've worked closely with, get laid off. We've had 2 deaths in our "knit family" and 2 child illnesses requiring several days off from school and work.....
I then realized that this started to sound a bit negative like the Phase I round 3 which i had to send in 2 parts (part one was going downhill and then part 2 was the more uplifting part) which made my sweet friend and co-worker Linda almost cry... Somehow (my fault) she only got the first part. So anyway, I began to re-think, and tried to figure what I could do outside of crying and bringing other people down to help time pass and keep me going. So, I ended up writing somewhat of a sports thank you article/idea about how supportive my running groups have been, created myself a blog page online (partly) (ballotablerecords.blogspot.com) and I reserved myself a plot in cyberspace called BallotableRecords.com. Neither of which have any information on them yet. A Couple photos. So, maybe soon I’ll be able to blog instead of email. . I’m working on getting this idea/article in the local Fit magazine, but if that doesn’t work, or even if it does, I will eventually post that somewhere in cyberspace. I'm working on teaching myself how to design a webpage for my new lot, but that could take a while. Hey, my grandparents, used to do crossword puzzles for hours, simply "to keep their minds sharp" and,I think to help time pass. I am absolutely useless at those, so maybe this will help me. I also got to go out to see Richie’s band play twice, which was great and got to go out to a nice dinner with Richie.
I was able to ride my bike for 2 hrs and 15 minutes on Saturday and felt pretty good, although I was pretty worn out on Sunday. I haven’t missed a Tuesday morning run and that is one of my goals. My kids are great. VERY cute and loveable. My boy tells me he loves me, and at times, he even “likes my face”.
I was able to ride my bike for 2 hrs and 15 minutes on Saturday and felt pretty good, although I was pretty worn out on Sunday. I haven’t missed a Tuesday morning run and that is one of my goals. My kids are great. VERY cute and loveable. My boy tells me he loves me, and at times, he even “likes my face”.
On the cancer end of things, it seems that the tumor continues to shrink. I’m having some trouble with random side effects from the chemo including stomach problems, tingling in toes, literal “curling” of my nails, the sensation of my toenails wanting to fall off and strange little sores in the creases in my ears. Again, most of these things I’ve experienced before in some part of my life or another, except the curling of the fingernails. But that’s not too bad, just ugly. The mouth pain comes and goes. Oh yea, and I’m scheduled this week to go to a Menopause clinic to deal with the symptoms of THAT (caused by the chemo). That should be fun. I’ll be glad to forward any of that information to those of you over 50!
I’ve begun my search for plastic surgeons and have started mentally preparing for the inevitable. I’m almost looking forward to it in several ways. At that point, I will be much closer to the light, or better put, the “flying colors” that I’m pacing myself toward. And, I will not have to work for a while which will be good.
Even though I didn’t ever finish the Call for Uplifting Information email, please feel free to respond to this email with something good that you have seen or experienced recently. I would like that.
Emily Howell
2/1/11
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Phase II: Round 3 and 4 Balls Out!
Phase II (Taxol Herceptin) Round 3 and Round 4
Round 3 went pretty well overall. I tested out the driving myself plan, and it went off very well. My good friend Cindy came by and brought me an awesome Greek Lunch and provided an hour or so of entertainment which helped the 7 hours of doing nothing move along.
The doctor said the breast exam was "almost" normal. In that there would always be some scar tissue there. (That is if the breast were still going to be there). I am officially in menapause, and i can feel my ovaries squeeling in pain as they are being chemically slaughtered. As it turns out, there are also multiple forms of mucousitis, which i will leave to the imagination. Feeling slightly less "giddy" this week. Likely due to lower blood counts along with Holiday "let down" and Cedar pollen "UP" (record high for 7 years). Not to mention, it's actually been rainy and cold this week which i normally like but have found more of a challenge during menapause and without hair. I had the chance to exercise 5x this week, but unfortunately ended up opting out of the day 5 due to severe antihistimine hang over. ""Oh well", "i'll go easy on me this time". I did get to ride bikes for about 2 hours on Saturday, and did make it for my 6 mile run goal this morning, along with a couple of other easy days, so i figure that is still pretty good.
My beloved Bandera trail race was held this past weekend. Looked like it was a beautiful day. The top 4 men 100K runners broke the course record, with the winner breaking last year's new record by one hour, so it must have been. Looks like the fast kids are starting to go trail, Gilbert Tuhabonye ;). The women's 100K winner is from Austin and her toddler son's name is Asa. I, of course, immediately thought, my son's name is Ace (which is a bit more awesome and to the point), and that it could be me winning that race. Well the two topics may not be exactly relative, and may not even be applicible, but one can dream. I was reading the trail running blogs of the race sent by my friend Chuck, and then found myself researching 100 milers that would suit my skill. OK, slow down Howell. Let's get through the next 9 weeks first, surgery, and completion of 50 miler before considering 100 miles will ya! Why does running 100 miles even sound like fun? Even 50 for that matter? Everything is relative. I guess with running, at least for the most part, you have control of what you are doing. Whether you decide to run or walk, finish or not, lose control on the downhills, or step carefully. Those who know me, or who've been followng since the beginning of this email, know that i do struggle with control issues. My sister has reminded me that while i may not have control of what i must deal with, i do still have control of how i choose to deal with things, with which i agree, and am still working on. But, running is still way more fun that sitting in the infusion room with other tired bald people, or sitting in a NICU with babies who may or may not make it in the world, as my newest running partner who's 21 month old beautiful baby girl is still not fully out of the woods with medical issues, would agree. It's freedom. It's nature. And, if you train right (methodically) and run a well planned route, it's good pain. Possibly not unlike the "good" pain of the bones producing more white blood cells, or the the freedom that the ability to wash your head with a damp rag and go, gives you. Even tough things do have their potential to provide opportunity. Like the fact that i've learned more about my father and father's side of the family in the past week, than i have in the past 10 years, the fact that i now am able to have video phone conversations with anyone willing or technologically able via phone or computer, and that i've had the opportunity to catch back up with some great trail running friends and re-kindle multiple old friendships. Actually, tough things provide increased opportunity for growth and improvement in life if one allows them. Yes, I did already know the moral of Lance's book by the second chapter, from prior and current experiences (He'd take the cancer over the Tour de France Wins...really? yes, it's because that IS LIFE) and yes i did feel like i'd already been given enough of this type of opportunity, but, as i said to my Surgeon on visit number one, while hunched over with fever and illness due to strep throat, I want to LIVE!
So, I'm going to go balls out on this downhill, yet attempt to take consideration of each rock I touch, however lightly!
Round 3 went pretty well overall. I tested out the driving myself plan, and it went off very well. My good friend Cindy came by and brought me an awesome Greek Lunch and provided an hour or so of entertainment which helped the 7 hours of doing nothing move along.
The doctor said the breast exam was "almost" normal. In that there would always be some scar tissue there. (That is if the breast were still going to be there). I am officially in menapause, and i can feel my ovaries squeeling in pain as they are being chemically slaughtered. As it turns out, there are also multiple forms of mucousitis, which i will leave to the imagination. Feeling slightly less "giddy" this week. Likely due to lower blood counts along with Holiday "let down" and Cedar pollen "UP" (record high for 7 years). Not to mention, it's actually been rainy and cold this week which i normally like but have found more of a challenge during menapause and without hair. I had the chance to exercise 5x this week, but unfortunately ended up opting out of the day 5 due to severe antihistimine hang over. ""Oh well", "i'll go easy on me this time". I did get to ride bikes for about 2 hours on Saturday, and did make it for my 6 mile run goal this morning, along with a couple of other easy days, so i figure that is still pretty good.
My beloved Bandera trail race was held this past weekend. Looked like it was a beautiful day. The top 4 men 100K runners broke the course record, with the winner breaking last year's new record by one hour, so it must have been. Looks like the fast kids are starting to go trail, Gilbert Tuhabonye ;). The women's 100K winner is from Austin and her toddler son's name is Asa. I, of course, immediately thought, my son's name is Ace (which is a bit more awesome and to the point), and that it could be me winning that race. Well the two topics may not be exactly relative, and may not even be applicible, but one can dream. I was reading the trail running blogs of the race sent by my friend Chuck, and then found myself researching 100 milers that would suit my skill. OK, slow down Howell. Let's get through the next 9 weeks first, surgery, and completion of 50 miler before considering 100 miles will ya! Why does running 100 miles even sound like fun? Even 50 for that matter? Everything is relative. I guess with running, at least for the most part, you have control of what you are doing. Whether you decide to run or walk, finish or not, lose control on the downhills, or step carefully. Those who know me, or who've been followng since the beginning of this email, know that i do struggle with control issues. My sister has reminded me that while i may not have control of what i must deal with, i do still have control of how i choose to deal with things, with which i agree, and am still working on. But, running is still way more fun that sitting in the infusion room with other tired bald people, or sitting in a NICU with babies who may or may not make it in the world, as my newest running partner who's 21 month old beautiful baby girl is still not fully out of the woods with medical issues, would agree. It's freedom. It's nature. And, if you train right (methodically) and run a well planned route, it's good pain. Possibly not unlike the "good" pain of the bones producing more white blood cells, or the the freedom that the ability to wash your head with a damp rag and go, gives you. Even tough things do have their potential to provide opportunity. Like the fact that i've learned more about my father and father's side of the family in the past week, than i have in the past 10 years, the fact that i now am able to have video phone conversations with anyone willing or technologically able via phone or computer, and that i've had the opportunity to catch back up with some great trail running friends and re-kindle multiple old friendships. Actually, tough things provide increased opportunity for growth and improvement in life if one allows them. Yes, I did already know the moral of Lance's book by the second chapter, from prior and current experiences (He'd take the cancer over the Tour de France Wins...really? yes, it's because that IS LIFE) and yes i did feel like i'd already been given enough of this type of opportunity, but, as i said to my Surgeon on visit number one, while hunched over with fever and illness due to strep throat, I want to LIVE!
So, I'm going to go balls out on this downhill, yet attempt to take consideration of each rock I touch, however lightly!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Phase II (T-H) Round 2 Giddy?
> Phase II: Round 2
>
> Done.
>
> Easy. Even Great.
>
> Best week I’ve had in 3 months. Christmas was good, but this week even better, due to the loss of the bone pain! Yeah! Some mouth pain, but doable.
>
> As i mentioned in the last quick email, my blood counts were great. Kinda funny though, because, when i was at the appointment, when the nurse was about to stick the needle into my port to check the levels, i freaked for just a moment (which i do every time they are about to stick that thing) and said, "if the blood levels are too low, then we'll have stuck this thing for nothing, right?" The nurse replied, "yes", and "we can go thru the arm (which is usually not very painful) in case". She also mentioned.. on the side,,,that every time we access the port it is a risk for infection...great. So we went thru the arm for the first blood draw. Most of the other lab people there are pretty good at that. This girl was pretty good at something else, i'm sure. Anyway, i was so excited about the huge rise in the blood counts, and a few other things, that i didn't even notice the bruise until yesterday. The eventual stick into the port was not too bad, and despite the unexpected 1 hour wait to start the chemo, everything went pretty smoothly. It was nice having Lisa there for entertainment and emotional support, for sure. They gave me only 1/2 the amout of benadryl this time, so i was still a semi? functional human. Able to walk myself to the bathroom, etc.
>
> One of the "other" things included the fact that i felt so good even on the day of the chemo, after 2 naps, that i was able to go out that evening from 6:30 to 8:30 to see Richie's new band Downtube Shifter play their first official gig! It was awesome.
>
> Done.
>
> Easy. Even Great.
>
> Best week I’ve had in 3 months. Christmas was good, but this week even better, due to the loss of the bone pain! Yeah! Some mouth pain, but doable.
>
> As i mentioned in the last quick email, my blood counts were great. Kinda funny though, because, when i was at the appointment, when the nurse was about to stick the needle into my port to check the levels, i freaked for just a moment (which i do every time they are about to stick that thing) and said, "if the blood levels are too low, then we'll have stuck this thing for nothing, right?" The nurse replied, "yes", and "we can go thru the arm (which is usually not very painful) in case". She also mentioned.. on the side,,,that every time we access the port it is a risk for infection...great. So we went thru the arm for the first blood draw. Most of the other lab people there are pretty good at that. This girl was pretty good at something else, i'm sure. Anyway, i was so excited about the huge rise in the blood counts, and a few other things, that i didn't even notice the bruise until yesterday. The eventual stick into the port was not too bad, and despite the unexpected 1 hour wait to start the chemo, everything went pretty smoothly. It was nice having Lisa there for entertainment and emotional support, for sure. They gave me only 1/2 the amout of benadryl this time, so i was still a semi? functional human. Able to walk myself to the bathroom, etc.
>
> One of the "other" things included the fact that i felt so good even on the day of the chemo, after 2 naps, that i was able to go out that evening from 6:30 to 8:30 to see Richie's new band Downtube Shifter play their first official gig! It was awesome.
The place was packed with people i haven't seen in ages, some i hadn't seen since The Knievels days, and also with people that the other bands had brought. The band rocked, and it was quite exciting and emotional for me to see Richie back at what he does best. Even in the face of all this crap. I often liken Richie to Gristle. So tough, yet nutritious, and even enjoyable to the experienced. Joints...they're what hold things together... like "The Glue" as he is known in some circles. Richie is the person you want along when times get tough, I tell you. The excitement of seeing John and Richie harmonizing again with the excellent additions of our old Rockin' drummer friend Hugh, and new friend Kevin on keys, along with seeing old friends, AND feeling great, was thrilling. Wierd, for me also, in that i did not have a drop to drink and i was probably higher than anyone in the place.
>
> I thought i might be worn out the rest of the week, but not so. As my friend Cindy said to her husband about me, it was like i was almost even "Giddy". I like that description, because it is pretty much how i've felt this week. It is odd. I have even felt well enough to exercise 5 times this week! 1 elliptical, 3 easy jogs and one easy bike ride! Oh yeah, and a few Squish Ups :). Don't worry. i never exercise to the point of feeling worn out. I usually feel just barely tired at the end when i stop. I do a lot of walking during the jogging too. Due to my inherent skepticism, however, i am preparing myself for possible return of the downs. But, i'll take these ups any day!
>
> Round 3 is on Tuesday 1/4/11. I think i'll drive myself this time. :)
>
>
> Emily
> 1/2/11
>
> I thought i might be worn out the rest of the week, but not so. As my friend Cindy said to her husband about me, it was like i was almost even "Giddy". I like that description, because it is pretty much how i've felt this week. It is odd. I have even felt well enough to exercise 5 times this week! 1 elliptical, 3 easy jogs and one easy bike ride! Oh yeah, and a few Squish Ups :). Don't worry. i never exercise to the point of feeling worn out. I usually feel just barely tired at the end when i stop. I do a lot of walking during the jogging too. Due to my inherent skepticism, however, i am preparing myself for possible return of the downs. But, i'll take these ups any day!
>
> Round 3 is on Tuesday 1/4/11. I think i'll drive myself this time. :)
>
>
> Emily
> 1/2/11
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Phase II (T-H): Round 1 Bone Pain
Phase II (Taxol Herceptin): Round One
Round one of weekly for 12 weeks. Done. Really hard to believe I'm going to be doing this for 11 more weeks. I just keep trying to liken it to the 50 mile trail run that I had originally planned in March this coming spring. As I said to my trail running coach, Joe Prusaitis : "Joe, I says, I had originally planned Bandera 50 K in January and Nueces 50 Miler in March, but now I'm going to do Chemo and surgery.". So, I would have been doing something difficult for the next 11 weeks anyway. (Would have been a lot more fun though.)
As I think about writing updates, I keep trying to find ways to stay positive and not come across a downer like my co-worker who is older than I, who just recently finished a very similar 1 year 3 month plan to mine. Every time I talk to her she cries about what i am going to have to go through and i end up consoling her. The other day, whin i finally began to experience the severe bone pain that she had mentioned on our firsxt talk, i thought of her and it made ME finally cry. The more i think about her now, the more i want to keep from crying. I realize theat when i speak to her that i just want her to say something positive about how she is doing now that it is mostly over. (She still has 5 years oral drugs).
With that said, parts of this round have been less than pleasant, but there were some good parts. The actual day took much longer than expected. Previously they had painted a much more pleasant picture of the chemo day with quotes like "yes,you should be a able to drive yourself, and...you might only have to miss 1/2 a day of work". i had pictured myself In/Out and on to Christmas shopping by the afternoon. The first delay included a conversation with the Nurse Prationer who was leaving it up to me whether we should do the chemo today or wait until next week due to my Blood Counts being lower than the recommended level. She initially gave me the option of going ahead with it, and then taking the 3 days of neupogen shots (blood booster), or not, or just waiting. As we headed off for the chemo, she mentioned that the clinic was closed after tomorrow, so i'd only be able to get one shot, so we'd just go without the shots. Well, here's where my bit of skepticism did pay off a bit. Due to the fact that i was not totally sure that they were telling me the truth, especially about the driving, i had arranged for my friend Lisa to drive me.
Thank Goodness! After about 2 hours of being Gorked out due to the large dose of Benadryl that they gave me, i woke up and Lisa's sweet Mom, Virginia was sitting there and fluffing my pillows, getting me Sprite, and basically holding me up as i shuffled to the restroom. she was there to replace Lisa who had to go because the day ended up being severeal hours longer than expected. (Don't be upset. Lisa had to leave in order to help move furniture into a home for a family who had lost the father and all of the furniture). Virginia also mentioned to me that i could get thosse shots at the hospital, and maybe we shouldn't make a medical decision based on whether the clinic was open or not. I spoke to the nurse in that regard and then we had the shots set up at another hospital. Virginia also drove me home and we met Lisa back at my house. Lisa ended up spending the rest of the evening with me to help me out with the kids on this, Richie's band practice night, which was a mental/emotional lifesaver as much as anything.
I've had some ups and downs throughout the week. Luckily the ups did land on Christmas Eve and Christmas day which turned out really nice. We had Christmas at our house for the first time and i really enjoyed it, and i think the kids and other adults did too.
I was healthy enouth and lucky enough to be able to run a 5 mile trail run on the Greenbelt with Richie on a very near Freezing day, which i love.
The downs included some bone pain and pain in my mouth that feels like i've been drinking battery acid. Those are both subsiding somewhat now.
Round 2 was moved to tomorrow due to an error on my part in my work schedule. I figure it also gives me an extra day to grow some neutrophils. Everyone cross their fingers, pray, wish, ask Santa, do whatever you do best, to get my neutrophils up so that i do not have to take anymore of those shots.
As far as exercise, i've lowered my self-expectations once again. I was previously expecting 4 day per week exercise, outside of 1-2 days on chemo week. Now expecting closer to 3 now that I'm doing weekly treatment, but we'll see how things go. Maybe they'll get easier. I'd love to maintain 4 days per week with a goal of still being able to run 5-6 miles at the end of this round.
Hope You All have a Happy New Year!
Love, Emily
12/28/10
Dad's Birthday
P.S. My hair started growing back today!
Round one of weekly for 12 weeks. Done. Really hard to believe I'm going to be doing this for 11 more weeks. I just keep trying to liken it to the 50 mile trail run that I had originally planned in March this coming spring. As I said to my trail running coach, Joe Prusaitis : "Joe, I says, I had originally planned Bandera 50 K in January and Nueces 50 Miler in March, but now I'm going to do Chemo and surgery.". So, I would have been doing something difficult for the next 11 weeks anyway. (Would have been a lot more fun though.)
As I think about writing updates, I keep trying to find ways to stay positive and not come across a downer like my co-worker who is older than I, who just recently finished a very similar 1 year 3 month plan to mine. Every time I talk to her she cries about what i am going to have to go through and i end up consoling her. The other day, whin i finally began to experience the severe bone pain that she had mentioned on our firsxt talk, i thought of her and it made ME finally cry. The more i think about her now, the more i want to keep from crying. I realize theat when i speak to her that i just want her to say something positive about how she is doing now that it is mostly over. (She still has 5 years oral drugs).
With that said, parts of this round have been less than pleasant, but there were some good parts. The actual day took much longer than expected. Previously they had painted a much more pleasant picture of the chemo day with quotes like "yes,you should be a able to drive yourself, and...you might only have to miss 1/2 a day of work". i had pictured myself In/Out and on to Christmas shopping by the afternoon. The first delay included a conversation with the Nurse Prationer who was leaving it up to me whether we should do the chemo today or wait until next week due to my Blood Counts being lower than the recommended level. She initially gave me the option of going ahead with it, and then taking the 3 days of neupogen shots (blood booster), or not, or just waiting. As we headed off for the chemo, she mentioned that the clinic was closed after tomorrow, so i'd only be able to get one shot, so we'd just go without the shots. Well, here's where my bit of skepticism did pay off a bit. Due to the fact that i was not totally sure that they were telling me the truth, especially about the driving, i had arranged for my friend Lisa to drive me.
Thank Goodness! After about 2 hours of being Gorked out due to the large dose of Benadryl that they gave me, i woke up and Lisa's sweet Mom, Virginia was sitting there and fluffing my pillows, getting me Sprite, and basically holding me up as i shuffled to the restroom. she was there to replace Lisa who had to go because the day ended up being severeal hours longer than expected. (Don't be upset. Lisa had to leave in order to help move furniture into a home for a family who had lost the father and all of the furniture). Virginia also mentioned to me that i could get thosse shots at the hospital, and maybe we shouldn't make a medical decision based on whether the clinic was open or not. I spoke to the nurse in that regard and then we had the shots set up at another hospital. Virginia also drove me home and we met Lisa back at my house. Lisa ended up spending the rest of the evening with me to help me out with the kids on this, Richie's band practice night, which was a mental/emotional lifesaver as much as anything.
I've had some ups and downs throughout the week. Luckily the ups did land on Christmas Eve and Christmas day which turned out really nice. We had Christmas at our house for the first time and i really enjoyed it, and i think the kids and other adults did too.
I was healthy enouth and lucky enough to be able to run a 5 mile trail run on the Greenbelt with Richie on a very near Freezing day, which i love.
The downs included some bone pain and pain in my mouth that feels like i've been drinking battery acid. Those are both subsiding somewhat now.
Round 2 was moved to tomorrow due to an error on my part in my work schedule. I figure it also gives me an extra day to grow some neutrophils. Everyone cross their fingers, pray, wish, ask Santa, do whatever you do best, to get my neutrophils up so that i do not have to take anymore of those shots.
As far as exercise, i've lowered my self-expectations once again. I was previously expecting 4 day per week exercise, outside of 1-2 days on chemo week. Now expecting closer to 3 now that I'm doing weekly treatment, but we'll see how things go. Maybe they'll get easier. I'd love to maintain 4 days per week with a goal of still being able to run 5-6 miles at the end of this round.
Hope You All have a Happy New Year!
Love, Emily
12/28/10
Dad's Birthday
P.S. My hair started growing back today!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Phase I (A-C) Round 4 Cautious Optimism vs.Skepticism
Phase I (Adriamycin Cytoxan):Round 4
The doctor said I would not be the same person after cancer treatment. I hope to not only be two years older, but 2 years better. Possibly thinner (doubtful at this point) and maybe even a faster runner? Wishful thinking I guess. Anyway, this has actually been quite a productive round for me. Due to the fact that I did NOT have a headache this round! Hallelujah! I was somewhat more functional during week one due to lack of Headache that, despite severe weakness leading to abdominal sprain (which I of course thought was cancer) by week 2 I was significantly ahead of previous curves of recovery. I believe that the Doctor’s statement that the tumor is in the “responding very well to treatment” category lifted my spirits, increased my hope, and decreased my anxiety. Along with the awesome nursing care I received from Richie this round, I was back to jogging 3 miles on start of week 2 and 6 miles by end of week 2! Richie was a master at keeping me hydrated. I think that helped the headaches too.
Along with being ahead of the exercise curve, I’ve been working my way up the technology curve, as well. I’ve purchased a new laptop, learned how to use iTunes, how to download photos and videos from my phone to the computer, move music from the computer to my iphone, and a whole host of other things. I even set my computer up on wireless at my home, almost all by myself. (With just a little emotional support at the end from my friend Mike R., who took 2 hours out of his Saturday to educate me on how to use my new computer! Thank you Mike and Cindy!!).
On a personal note, I’ve continued to maintain a good relationship with my husband (?) enjoyed my 2 kids, and honestly enjoyed the holiday season for the first time in a while. I’ve even re-connected with my Uncle Terry who is my closest living relative on my Dad’s side. I always enjoy talking with Uncle Terry, because I have a lot in common with him, and Ace does too.
Its funny how during the first week after the A-C treatment, when I’m lying there awake yet really unable to move, how my mind races. I think that the Adriomycin drug is somewhat of a psychedelic. I sometimes see faces….they are in black and white and like 3 dimensional negatives, but look exactly like the people that I see. It’s kind of cool. I also lie there and think really crazy (or insightful) thoughts that seem less interesting by week 3.
On a personal note, I’ve continued to maintain a good relationship with my husband (?) enjoyed my 2 kids, and honestly enjoyed the holiday season for the first time in a while. I’ve even re-connected with my Uncle Terry who is my closest living relative on my Dad’s side. I always enjoy talking with Uncle Terry, because I have a lot in common with him, and Ace does too.
Its funny how during the first week after the A-C treatment, when I’m lying there awake yet really unable to move, how my mind races. I think that the Adriomycin drug is somewhat of a psychedelic. I sometimes see faces….they are in black and white and like 3 dimensional negatives, but look exactly like the people that I see. It’s kind of cool. I also lie there and think really crazy (or insightful) thoughts that seem less interesting by week 3.
The one thought that I kept perseverating on this time was the idea of Cautious Optimism versus Skepticism. I’ve never really thought of myself as an optimist, but I’m not exactly a Pessimist or full on skeptic either. I’d like to be optimistic, but that, in my opinion requires blind faith. So, anyway, I wasn’t really sure if Cautious Optimism was something I made up or if it is an actual thing….So I, of course, googled it. There is very little out there on Cautious Optimism….some stuff about cautious optimism regarding the spawning of salmon, and recent increased use as a media phrase. The media skeptics see it as a cop out. I liked the California Psychics opinion that it is OK to be both cautious and optimistic at the same time. Anyway, this is how I was feeling about my cancer treatment. Optimistic, yet cautious and still desiring objective proof. I feel that it is an improvement over plain fear and depression. Even though the doctor made the statement that the tumor has shrunk, and this did raise my spirit and my hopes, and even though I can even feel it for myself (I think), I still also want to see the follow up MRI, and continue to seek more objective proof. I have learned through my own actions and reflections, though, that I am more of an optimist than I thought. Once, on day 3 or 4 when I was still very out of it, my friend Chuck texted me…”How are you doing E” and I simply replied….”Lying in bed with clothes on”. I had gotten up, showered and dressed, getting ready for the day, and then proceeded to just lie there the rest of the day. I realized that that was an optimist’s move.
After my last not so impressive visit with the oncologist, I had told his nurse that I needed some more objective proof of my odds. This time around she handed me a printout of my odds. In summary it was that I have a 76 to 80% chance of being alive in 10 years. I thought that sounded pretty good. When I told Richie, he said…”That’s not good enough”. I thought that was a bit pessimistic, but at the same time made me feel good.
Regarding my schedule:
Tomorrow I start what I’m calling Phase II: this is the start of weekly, for 12 weeks, chemo/infusion of 2 new drugs Taxol and Herceptin. They say it will not knock me down the way the first 2 drugs did, but will be somewhat cumulative. Some side effects could be worse at the end of the 12 weeks. Then a short break, and then the surgery. The doctor said the possibility of radiation will be determined on whether they still find active cancer during the surgery, etc.
After my last not so impressive visit with the oncologist, I had told his nurse that I needed some more objective proof of my odds. This time around she handed me a printout of my odds. In summary it was that I have a 76 to 80% chance of being alive in 10 years. I thought that sounded pretty good. When I told Richie, he said…”That’s not good enough”. I thought that was a bit pessimistic, but at the same time made me feel good.
Regarding my schedule:
Tomorrow I start what I’m calling Phase II: this is the start of weekly, for 12 weeks, chemo/infusion of 2 new drugs Taxol and Herceptin. They say it will not knock me down the way the first 2 drugs did, but will be somewhat cumulative. Some side effects could be worse at the end of the 12 weeks. Then a short break, and then the surgery. The doctor said the possibility of radiation will be determined on whether they still find active cancer during the surgery, etc.
I hope everyone has an awesome holiday season! I'm looking forward to our first christmas at our house!
Love,
Emily
12/20/2010
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