It Happened!

On Thursday, October 13.  Merely, one day after I wrote the Dreaming in Touchscreen Blog.  I posted that blog almost 2 weeks after I wrote it due to LIVING :) so much and being so excited about what i'm about to tell you.

Two things actually happened that day.

Firstly, in the evening after work, I ran 2 x 10 minute intervals  on a beautiful section of trail that I'd not seen before, and I actually felt good. Not like TFS, not just O.K.  Good. (Breathe) What a relief.

Secondly, later that night, I had a running dream.  Not the kind where you are running away from something and you can't run fast enough.  Not the struggling to move forward kind.  The kind where I'm running free and I feel good.

My first running friend,
Cindy, who now won't run
on the road unless it is to get
to the trail.

My latest convert...Jack

I woke up on the morning of October 14 thinking exactly this...It Happened!

That week I ran 29 trail miles plus 8 road.  The following week I ran 28 trail miles and 10 on the road with no trouble with my long run now up to 14 miles on the trail.  








One week after my dream, I found myself actually living my dream as I was flying down those rocky, technical, hills in the dark with my old running/training friend of 18 months ago, David J.

David, who is a self-proclaimed transformed person (in part due to trail running) and, physically, a  changed man visible to all, has, in the past 18 months completed the Rocky Raccoon 50 mile trail race, a Grand Canyon Rim2Rim2Rim run of 48 miles, several other 30K races in the Texas summer heat, and is scheduled to run the Cactus Rose 50 miler on October 30th! Go David!
(You too, JoAnna, and Jeanette, and Kuss for your 50 milers and to Lyndsay and Tonya and Justin for your 100 milers! )

I felt honored and excited to be running, and almost keeping up, with him again (even though he was taking it easy due to his taper). :) Thanks, David.

Footlong Or, Dreaming in Touchscreen

Thank You Charlie Hodge.  Looking forward to your next podcast gave me the strength that was required to make it through the 10 minutes of harp playing that I had to endure (during chemotherapy mind you) in order to download your podcast “footlong”.  Very ironically, it took the exact same amount of time to download this podcast as it took to receive my 10 minute “free” (fairly exchanged? for the price of 14 months of chemotherapy) foot massage that I believe was given as a consolation to being subject to the mandatory harp music….again.  Someone please remind me to buy the more well fitted ear buds next time.  I can still hear the harp.
Do you think it is wrong that I got irritated with the harpist that she not only played her harp, when it was clear that all us cancer survivors had pretty much anything else to do, she also had the audacity to Tune her harp on site at the Cancer center.   Isn’t it enough that she must steal precious moments with the actual harp playing, but to TUNE the thing as well.  Come On!

One of the side effects of cancer treatment that I struggle with is that I have trouble sleeping due to having Hotflashes…Many Hotflashes….upwards of 10-15 a night that wake me up.  These require covers OFF and Fan ON in order to recover.   These Hotflashes are caused by the Tamoxifen which has put me back into Menopause.  This extremely interrupted sleep makes feeling rested at the end of a night difficult.  It also makes having complete dreams rare.  I have, however, found that I’ve now begun dreaming in “Touch Screen”. When I wake up at night I note that I’ve been moving things around in my dreams, as if on my iPhone touch screen. Very possibly all of you have been experiencing this for years, since the explosion of the internet, but I did not have a computer easily available to me for internet access for several years. Then, suddenly I got cancer.  With cancer came the desire to move forward on the technology front, and the courage to face my husband with a $100 per month phone bill. This has changed my life.  I am more complete. Thank you Cancer.
I remember when I was in High School, taking French, I would at times go out with my friend Allison W.  (Hey Allison, it would be great to hear from you.  Unfortunately I’m not on Facebook, and the one time I tried to contact you by email, it didn’t work) and we would speak French for the better part of a night out.  It was fun.  I would also find myself dreaming in French.  During one period in my life when I was dating Ruben (Hey Ruben! So glad things are going so well for you and your family) whose family often spoke Spanish, I was learning Spanish, and began dreaming in Spanish.   Severely broken Spanish, mind you, but some of it must have sunken in because years later when I was traveling in Mexico, where no one spoke English, Richie was surprised at how well I communicated in Spanish despite never having taken a Spanish class. I remember my Dad used to tell me that when you began to dream in a language, it meant that you were really learning it or integrating it.  I suppose I do believe that.  It seems pretty apparent, now with this touch screen dreaming.   At this point I might argue that it might also be because you “believe” that you are learning it.   Funny though, when I was in Vietnam and Thailand, I don’t ever remember dreaming in Vietnamese or Thai. There, I remember dreaming about having actual conversations with people in English.  I remember missing the sound of the English Language. I remember years after Thailand, when Richie was racing and spending hours and hours on his bike, he would wake me up at night CYCLING!  Yes, he would be pedaling, as if in a final sprint.
I remember also that when I was a child I would have flying dreams. There is nothing better than a flying dream.  My father used to tell me that only special people had flying dreams.  My father was quite a dreamer in many ways.  Anyway, that’s why I thought it so appropriate when we threw his ashes out of that airplane.  I think he loved that.  I haven’t had flying dreams in years.

 I have however, had some running dreams, like Richie’s Cycling dreams, that are pretty similar to flying dreams.  I was having those back when I was training for the Austin Marathon, and again when I was thick into trail running.  It has been a while since I’ve had those and I feel that I'll be truly  "back", in terms of training, when they return.

Hmm, I wonder where this comes from??

Please click below.  It's working now :).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxnSZg6exUI

On the Lighter Side

I had just warned my friend Heather (who recently ordered her first prosthetic breast) not to laugh the first time anyone decides to grab it out of her shirt and run, when I misplaced my best one.  I have three.  One silicon, and two foam.  The silicon one is VERY realistic.  If I hadn’t been so open about all I’ve been through, one might not even know it was fake.  (d'ough!)  Anyway, I made the mistake myself.  The first time Ace, my 3 year old, grabbed it and ran with it, I couldn’t help but laugh.  You have to admit, that’s kind of funny…  A two foot tall boy, running as fast as he can, with a giant breast in his hands.  I quickly realized, however, that I had made a mistake, and explained to him that this was not funny.  That he should not grab that, or run with it.  (I guess it’s not as bad as running with scissors, but….) Anyway, I thought I had made my point clear, and he had pretty much stopped doing it.  Then, the other day, the silicon one went missing.  Richie said…”Did you ask your son where it was?  No, I hadn’t, and I thought that was a really good idea, so I asked him if he knew where it was.  He assured me that he had no idea.  I thought I must have just misplaced it again, like the time I found it out in the yard near my car.  (It had fallen out of my bag the night before after the boat party.) The next day, I had set the “back up” foam one on the counter as I usually do after my long day at work, and then I happened to look up as the boy was running away with it.  Needless to say, I followed him to his secret stash of breasts.  I remember when I was around his age I used to hide money in my room so I’d find it later.  I’m still very excited when I find money.  At this point, I cannot image the long term affect this is going to have on my son.

I’m up to 11 mile long runs on the trail, and I’ll start trail "training" this week. I’m pretty convinced that the Herceptin is causing me to lose 3-4 days per week of good running per 3 week period due to not feeling well.  The problem days seem to vary somewhere between day 3-day 10.   14 ish weeks until the end of Herceptin.  22 weeks ‘til Nueces.

Twins

Twins

One thing I’ve enjoyed over the years about my job as a Physical Therapist has been getting to hear stories about people’s lives. This story recently really touched me.   The patient that I was working with was an 80 year old woman.  She was telling me about her life and that she had had 6 children.  She mentioned that she had only been pregnant 5 times, though, because the first pregnancy was twins, a boy and a girl.  She went on to say that the twins were dead now.  I did ask what had happened.  (Being that they were twins, one almost automatically begins to expect that they died from the same thing.)   My patient began with her daughter’s death.  She said…”My daughter had the breast cancer.  She had the mastectomy and the treatments, and she was doing very well for 2 or 3 years, but then it came back and got her.”  This story, as you can imagine, hit very close to home and really had me a bit freaked out for some time.  I did go on to inquire about her son.  She said…”He was killed in a car accident”.    I found myself putting myself in the shoes of each of these twins.  I felt what i thought would be their fear.  It was similar, yet different.  I found myself trying to figure out which twin I would have rather been.  Which death I would have chosen for myself?   I’ve since, come to no answer.  Honestly, neither is a pleasant thought.  The best I could do was come up with some pros and cons to each.  The major pro for the female twin was that she had had some warning of her potential fatality.  She possibly had a few years of knowing that life is short, and she may have taken that opportunity to live her life to the fullest. She also, later, had some time to say her goodbyes to family and friends and to let them know how much she loved them.  Potential cons being that she likely lived with some serious sadness and fear, as she knew that it would all eventually be coming to an end.  The male twin, on the contrary, may not have had the knowledge of his own mortality. He did not have the chance to say his goodbyes, yet was spared the sadness of seeing his own life fade.  He very possibly, however, had learned important lessons of living life through his twin’s experience.

I don’t really know why I spent so much time trying to decide which would be better or worse.   I do not usually sit around thinking about how I'd like to go.  I’m fighting to live, here.  I guess that my final thought is that any of us could find ourselves in the exact same shoes as either twin.  I even know of one person who recently had shoes of each.  A sister-in-law of one of my good friends had recently won her battle against breast cancer, and then was killed in an automobile accident.  

“The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.”           Carl Jung

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life.  A man (woman) who lives fully is prepared to die any time.”    Mark Twain.

Here’s to living life to each life’s fullest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD1O2K6B30U

Nueces: I'm very excited.

progress

In spite of the fact that the food menu is limited, and they microwave, or steam, eggs, (for consumption) (if you know me, you know that I'm an egg snob, but you also must know that...) I LOVE the fact that the coffee shop that I frequent every Tuesday after my Rogue group run, does great foam on their Cappuccino, and is named progress.  I love how the big green sign is displayed right there, on the top of the edifice. Nothing fancy.  Just simple, regular, circular type letters...progress. 

I've mentioned before that my goal is Relentless Forward Progress.   At this point, I feel that I'm still working up to that.  I haven't quite achieved the Relentless part, and much of the time I'm still checking that I am indeed still moving forward.  However, there is Progress being made.   In the midst of all of this past week's RattleDown!  (this is my new call out for snakes on the trail....like...on your left....or, bike up :)) and my F****** Herceptin Treatment last Wednesday, I forgot to actually give an update. No, it was not the harpists fault this time.  I was simply in a grumpy mood, despite having a delightful trail run that morning.   

Areas of Progress over the past 10 days have included, but possibly not been limited to:

1. I had an actual conversation with my oncologist.  We, of course,  did not agree . I asked if i could have some EPO or some extra blood, or something to take care of this low RBC count once in for all, and all he said was...."don't even mention that here".....followed by, "Lance did the Tour with a RBC count of 10".  Really?  I need to look that up.  I find that hard to believe.  Anyway,  I thought it was odd that he mentioned Lance...I had not brought him up.  I just wanted the EPO. He told me my problem was not critical.  I did throw it out there that it could potentially become critical at mile 40 of the 50 mile race i had planned, and then he attempted, successfully, to sidetrack me with something about serum IRON.  I fell for it.  They tested my Iron Saturation or something, and it turns out it's fine, so I DO NOT get the special Iron treatment i was hoping for.  My problem is just not bad enough.  My RBCs did go up slightly this round, but i've been taking iron now for 3 weeks, and eating about 2x as much Red meat as i used to.  I think this part might have actually caused a slight setback due to the fact that this red meat plan convinced my mind on one or two occasions, to eat chicken fried steak, because it would be good for me.   

2.  I faced my 3rd motivation test and passed, pretty much with flying colors.  I'll be brief.
The first test, i already mentioned.  It was when my alarm did not go off and i still made it out to run 8 miles alone.  Second test: Run on Treadmill 5 miles when i DID NOT feel like it after a long day at work. Third Test: Run 11 miles on trail ALL BY MYSELF on tired legs, partly in the dark, and alongside multiple snakes, the day after i had chosen to ride my bike for 3.5 hours of hills.

3. I actually reached out to the medical profession for assistance with my severely tight chest/arm problem....and it's helping.   I've attended two sessions of Active Release Technique treatments and it pretty much hurts like HELL, but it is helping.  I'm also getting treatment for the shin splints that I've been avoiding for about 4 years as well, and it is helping with that too :).

4. I've had a bit of time to think about my surgical/reconstruction options and have actually had one conversation with my husband about it.  Zero decisions made, but at least not backward motion. 

5.  I had fun with my family at a county fair despite the heat outside. 

Ferris Wheel

6. And IT RAINED here last weekend!! it was beautiful!

Teenage Fanclub

Do you know what Teenage Fanclub and Trail Running have in Common?

They’re slow and awesome, and they'll rock you to the core.

This week's runs have given new meaning to the terms...

Solo Trail Run…

Group Trail Run….

"I'll take this chance to tell my friends what I'm thinkin' of....on second thought, I'll think some more and tell you lady luck."

Teenage Fanclub   (December)

Reconstruction

“I'm a woman with 1  D cup. My shirts won't even stay in place without my heavy rubber prosthetic breast.  I wanted to do the bilateral mastectomy from the beginning, but the doc wouldn't do it until reconstruction. I really dislike being lopsided. The prosthesis is a hassle. Also, sometimes I see, or feel my mastectomy side and it makes me sad, especially next to the breast that is still there that should eventually be removed.  Sometimes I think I'll be ok with 2 mastectomies without reconstruction, and other times I do want something built in (smaller though)to fill a swimsuit.”

This above comment is something that I wrote in response to a blog that I follow.  Some Girls Prefer Carnations.

In her recent post, the author Heather was discussing breast reconstruction after mastectomy.   Since writing the comment, I’ve had some more time to think about all of this.  I Love how Heather is very confident and sure in her decision not to have reconstruction.  I WISH I could feel the same way.  The full story  is that, I DO NOT WANT to have another surgery.  I’ve had 2 C-Sections, and a Right Mastectomy.  The Mastectomy, which the doctor stated might take 4-6 weeks to recover from (without radiation), is,  even now, 6 months after the surgery date, still causing me problems.  I am , as a matter of fact,  this very day,  seeking medical attention for the severe tightness in my pectoralis major and minor that is compressing a nerve and causing some tingling in my hand.   I am afraid of the next surgery.  Even when I consider the least invasive of options which is just having the mastectomy on the left without any reconstruction, I am afraid of the risks and the lingering tightness that I am currently experiencing.  You may be asking…Why even have the mastectomy on the right?  Well, the doctors recommend it due to the fact that I’ve had breast cancer (which was an aggressive form) and  I’m only 41 years old.   I actually agree with this medical recommendation.  I am considered high risk, I do not want to go through breast cancer treatment again.   Also, now that I’m super lopsided, AND I DO NOT LIKE IT, the idea of leveling things out sounds great to me.  When this all of this treatment started,  reconstruction sounded like the obvious decision.  Badda Bing….Chemo, surgery, reconstruction, back to normal life with “right-sized” breasts J.  Just another small RIF.  (Reduction in Force for those of  you who have not yet been directly affected by the economy).   Now, after living with  post-surgical tightness and discomfort, and understanding that there will not really be feeling in the area(s), it seems less obvious.  However, as I mentioned above, I don’t like dealing with the prosthesis, and I’ve mentioned a time or two….I DO NOT LIKE being LOPSIDED.  It is not simply a matter of how it looks (although it does make me turn for a second look whenever I pass a mirror)  it is how it feels.   I like the Carnation’s author and readers’ opinions that everything in the world does not have to be “matchy, matchy”, and that there is “beauty in asymmetry”.  I hear all that, and would agree, but,  it just doesn’t feel right to me.  Also, while I really have never wanted the larger cup size that I have/had, I have become accustomed to having something there.  I have enjoyed filling out a bathing suit or a low cut shirt.  With that said, other than the severe tightness, the lopsidedness, and the extreme reminder of what I’ve been through,  the mastectomy site itself does not really bother me.  It does not feel bad not to have something there.  I even kind of like it in some ways.  As I’ve mentioned, I do look like a faster runner on that side.      

Had I not been typing the above entry from my ephone, I would likely have mentioned all of this.

In the light of this discussion, I’ve decided to name this phase of my life just that.  Reconstruction. This is the time period in which I’ll be working to re-build my physical and mental strength in order to run a 50 mile run, and to be able to make a sound decision regarding my future with surgery.

On that note, Reconstruction is well under way.  Here is an example of a very good sign:  Yesterday, when my alarm failed to go off at 4:45 am for my Tuesday morning 5:30 a.m. group run, and I woke up at 6:08 a.m. I was very upset.  I was able to gather myself and still make it out the door, drive downtown, and start running my solo 8 mile road run by 6:31 a.m.  I completed the run without a walking break despite lack of conversation, high temperatures and large hills J.

P.S. We'll miss you Bastrop.