More Than a Woman

58 hours. Or, approximately 2.5 days until I'll be standing at the starting line of of this race that has consumed me, or filled in any spare mental space, for the better part of the past 7 months. Hopefully, I'll be standing there well rested and feeling good.  Hopefully my recent setback of left leg problems will not interfere. Hopefully.

The past 2 weeks has been an interesting and somewhat insightful time for me.  Taper madness is a common thing amongst athletes who have been intensly training and then back off in order to rest for their race. This has defintely entered my situation.

check out this crazy tape job.  yes that is my leg.

I think,  also,  that since I've done an EXTREME taper, I've had even extra time to think about things, and relax a bit, and it's been a good thing.  I've had a bit of time to sort of do a little travel down memory lane. This trip started with a visit to my old gym near our old pink house on the East Side.  We lived there for 10 years and moved out when Ace was 1 and a half.  I loved that house and the location, but we moved out for more space, more yard, better schools, and quieter night sleep.  That house was right next to The University.  I was at the gym in order to attempt some exercise on Sunday, the day after my last post where I was sitting on my couch, opting out of my 15 mile run.  I realized I was still not ready to attempt running, and the only thing I could think of was to attempt aquajogging.  Well, once I AquaFlogged around for about 25 minutes while some creepy old guy was standing in the hot tub staring at my one boob, I decided I'd had enough of that.  This reminded me how I really hated aquajogging. This experience proved to be the opposite of trail running.  It also reminded me in no uncertain terms, that have one breast, and I do not like that, either.  Especially in a bathing suite.   I followed my "work out" with a visit to my old neighborhood coffee shop that I used to love. I had spent many an hour pushing either Adaline, or Ace, or both in a jogging stroller to visit this place...  Cherrywood Coffee House.  I had just enough time to get my coffee and read the latest post on Some Girls Prefer Carnations Blog.  Heather, the author, mentioned that she had recently completed reading a book called "No Less a Woman" which discussed topics of Breast Reconstruction and why or why not women would want to have it done.  I was seconds away from ordering the book online when it occurred to me that this book might  not apply to me because I never really thought of myself as a woman before cancer.  Really.  So  how could the fact that having one breast be threatening my womanhood? The answer is, it's not. I realized immediately that, if anything, I am definately Much MORE of a WOMAN now than I ever was before.   I'd like to think maybe even ... "More Than a Woman", as was so eloquently sung by the Bee Gees back in the late 70's for the album and movie Saturday Night Fever. 



Since we're going down memory lane. 

Please do not take me wrong.  I am not making fun of this book, and I am still interested in reading it. And, just the mention of the book itself has already been helpful to me.
Next stop was an attempt at trail jogging on Tuesday morning.  I skipped my Tuesday Rogue Run for the first time in?? maybe 6 months, so it got me thinking about that, and what an impact that has made in my life over the past year and a half.

My attempt at trail running did not go so well.  It turned into a walk jog, but it was a very nice morning.  It had been raining here and the Barton Creek had water down to the 360 entrance and beyond for the first time in over a year.  This reminded me of my training 2 years ago when the creek was full the whole training season.   It also gave me time to remember my return to attempting to walk jog after my surgery.

My next stop was a  visit to the YMCA for more aquajogging. This time with my training partner and friend Lisa who is also struggling with a leg irritation herself.  (Otherwise why in the Hell would she be aquajogging?)  This stop helped me realize once again, how much friendship plays a role in a person's ability to complete difficult tasks, and difficult life situations, and even make them enjoyable.  60 minute aquajog completed :) 

Lisa and me outside Hill of Life after surgery.

My Saturday attempt at a long run of 8 miles went O.K. regarding the leg. Some foot issues, but not really much worse.  More importantly, I enjoyed every minute of the time out on the trail.  I started later than usual (Than EVER really) due to the fact that i had gone out the night before to see Downtube Shifter ROCK the Carousel lounge.  I also got to run with my friend Cindy again.  This run really brought things full circle for me.  Cindy had been there with me at the start.  As I was scraping my way back to the trail during chemotherapy. And again after surgery and radiation.

I was weak and bald, and it was oh so dry and hot.

Me and Cindy during Chemo

And again after surgery.

Me at Hill of Life After Surgery

Now, my hair is out of control and the water was in the creek in places she'd never seen it.  It was like we were kids out exploring an area for the first time, despite the fact that i've logged literally hundreds of miles there.

Me last this past weekend at Barton Creek

During our run we ran into Lisa and Jack, the two people I've done the bulk of this training season with.  This was the perfect place for us all to reunite, discuss the race a bit and  have some laughs about our own selves.

Me, Jack, Lisa

 "This Fanny Pack is SaWeet!"  Only a trail runner would say that, Jack!



The next week I found myself back in another one of my old neighborhoods, and now aquajogging at the crack of dawn outside at this outdoor pool that I used to walk across the street to go swimming in.

I found myself actually "enjoying" this aquajog.
This new affinity for aquajogging, and this.. "sign"...,

 I've taken as proof that people, and things, can change, or improve in a matter of days.

Spring is now in the air here.  Richie's band Downtube Shifter just secured a show during the South By Southwest Music Festival on Saturday night at 6:00.  You know me....This reminded me of last year's SXSW show and how all my friends came out wearing Tube Tops to support DownTube Shifter and to support me on the eve of my first Mastectomy. 

SXSW 2010 TubeTop Extravaganza

Richie March 2012

If you are good at puzzles, you've probably already figured out where I'm going with all this.  I've just gotten off of the phone with the nurse for the plastic surgeon.  She is working on scheduling my left mastectomy and bilateral reconstruction.  This surgery will be planned for sometime in the first half of April, on a date that both the regular surgeon, and the plastic surgeon can get together at a hospital that we can all agree on.  It has already been scheduled once, with my old surgeon, who I actually do like very much.  He wouldn't,  or couldn't go to the more preferred hospital, so now i'm choosing to change surgeons and have the surgery performed at a different hospital. 

I'll end with the fact that this taper has also given me the opportunity to spend some more fun time with the family.  I know I've mentioned it before, but I have super cute kids:

I don't know where he gets it.

I would say wish me Luck, but it is clear that I already have it. :)

Tit for Tatt

 It’s been a strange, challenging, yet surprisingly decent 2 weeks.

The week before Easter, my boss called me to let me know that the therapy clinic I work(ed) in is being closed and that there may be another position in the same company available when I return.  Anyway, because I had agreed to the practice of a “mope-free” weekend, I tried very hard not think about it much. I was mostly successful. It only woke me up a couple times at night.  Luckily, my health insurance is through Richie’s job, so at least I did not have that to worry about.  Despite this, I managed to have a very relaxing weekend and a nice Easter with the family/kids.  The swelling in the mastectomy site was also appearing to slow a bit after the last aspiration on Wednesday, which also kept my spirits up.

On Tuesday, in the morning, I went to my every three week oncologist visit where my Doctor proceeded to mis-dictate my history AGAIN, and then had the triple dose Herceptin chemotherapy.  I got a very nice nurse this time, who, when I mentioned how lethargic and stiff I’d been, actually recommended exercise! And then she asked me if I had any kind of exercise that I liked to do J.  Of course I got a huge kick out of this and took it as an invitation to tell her all about myself and my activities prior to cancer, and my goals to return to some form of runner/exercise addict again. 

In the afternoon, I went to see the Radiation Oncologist for the pre-radiation visit and simulation.  After listening to my troubles with the drainage, hearing about my general lethargy, seeing the extreme tightness and weakness in my arm and shoulder, (particularly the pecs, lats, serratus anterior, and triceps) hearing about my inability to yet use that arm to lift my own immobile daughter, and considering my potential to develop lymphedema, and the fact that I’m going to start daily radiation next week, the radiation oncologist decided that I should not return to work until sometime after radiation, in order to allow time to heal my arm, not risk further physical breakdown during radiation, and allow further physical recovery.  I agreed with his recommendation.  I feel very relieved and thankful that I will have this time to focus on radiation and further recovery for my arm and for my blood counts. 

The Tatt is the greyish one second from the top.

After the visit with the Radiation Oncologist I proceeded to the radiation simulation room.  It was fairly interesting.  Basically I had to lie down in a CT scan machine, on a bag looking pillow that puffed up and got hard, making a mold of my body, in the planned radiation position: Arms above head (best I could…this was pretty painful due to the severely tight shoulder) and facing away from the radiated breast.  Then I had to just lie still in the mold as i went in and out of the CT scan machine several times. Once that was over, the nurse gave me three single point tattoos on my abdomen: One in the center between the ribs, and one on each side over the ribs. These marks are used to line me up exactly the same way for each radiation treatment.  The one in the middle really hurt. The ones on the side were not fun, but not as bad.  It did make me realize, once again, that I’m glad I never went through with that plan I had my freshman year in college.  I’d likely be sitting here now with half an Aztec arm band!    

On Wednesday, I began the stretching of the arm/shoulder. The serratus is very weak and the whole chest, back and shoulder girdle are very weak and tight! Especially the Pecs! The fascia in the whole area is also very adhered and painful. The stretching is quite painful, but also feels sort of good in a way.

On Friday, I had the opportunity to cheer up a random stranger in a coffee shop. We got to talking because we had both been to see the Kindergarten choir show the day before.  I mentioned that my daughter was the one on the front left that the teacher was holding, and helping move her arms. 

Then, after talking with me for about 20 minutes, hearing about Adaline’s disability, my cancer/treatment/surgery, and my recent job situation, I think that he felt more confident, that with his health and his otherwise fortunate life, he could get through his current divorce.   It was kinda funny for me though, because, before he had heard my story, I heard him saying that he had been wondering “why me”?  I almost chuckled when I heard him say it, but didn’t out of respect.  Later in the conversation I told him that I almost chuckled when he said it, even though i do not think that losing a spouse or home to divorce is funny.  On the contrary, i feel very fortunate to have my family and my home.  He told me that after I told my story, he had thought to himself “what had this girl done in her last life to deserve all this?” By the end of the conversation, I was pointing out that you just can’t always assume that someone or something made this happen to you for a reason. I do believe that good things can come out of bad situations, but I just cannot believe that someone is trying to teach me a lesson.  If so, then I am either a total idiot, or one of the most educated persons I know. 

Sunday was my 41^st Birthday.  The first thing I said to Richie in the morning was…"Yes, I do feel older today, if you were wondering".  Since the chemotherapy, and even more so since the surgery and the immobility that followed, I’ve begun to feel much older than I used to.  It is difficult for me get going after I sit for any length of time.  My hips are very stiff, and of course I have limited use of my arm.  Also, since the taxol, I still have impaired fine motor skills and I’m constantly dropping my utensils, and have difficulty untieing my shoes. Oh yeah, and i'm sure that my body fat % has skyrocketed.  If i was allowed to swim, i'd likely not even need to hold my breath to float.   Like this guy.

Photo from Dolphin Talk newspaper.

I think that prior to cancer I was a 40 year old living in a “thirty-something” (early thirties :) body due to my fitness.  Now, it’s like, due to all of this treatment and time off from exercise there has been a time warp and I’ve landed somewhere in my mid-forties. BAM!  Like that.  I didn’t ease into it like most others so I think it hurts that much worse!  With that said, this is my warning to those of you who do exercise.  DO NOT STOP. J Oh yea, and try not to get Cancer.

Radiation, 5 days a week for 6.5 weeks begins tomorrow.

Truth Is....

I lied.  Prior to my surgery, when one of the very nice people that I work with said to me (meaning the very best, mind you) that, at least now I can have the boobs that I always wanted, I said…”I already have the boobs I always wanted”.  I should apologize, because, firstly, I know she meant well, and it brought her down when I said it, and secondly, as I mentioned, it was a lie.

The truth is, I (now had) had the boobs that many other people wanted.  Don’t get me wrong, they had their “perks” (back in the day anyway), and I do have a lot of really nice Mardi Gras beads.  But, almost on the freaky end of ironically, I never really wanted this gift.   It’s almost even creepy that the first time I remember praying to God, all on my own, it went something like this….”Hello God….Please do not let these things grow any larger.”  I was probably around 10 years old, and at the time, one of only 2 girls in the 5^th grade who needed a bra.  While this is ironic and creepy on so many levels, it is also pretty funny.  My prayer to God may sound familiar to some of you.  Probably because I stole it from Judy Blume, the Author of  “Are you there God?  It’s Me Margaret”.  This is a book that many young girls were reading at around the same time that I was. 

Here is a short exerpt from the book.

“Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. I just told my mother I want a bra. Please help me grow God. You know where. I want to be like everyone else.”

Here is a clip from a late night show of an actor reading from the book to give you a bit more of an idea if you are not familiar.

www.hulu.com/watch84141/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-will-arnett-reads-judy-blume

Outside of the fact that I stole the prayer, and changed the words, I also found it funny that when I was googling the book in order to remember the exact title, I read a book review that actually said…

”Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume may just be one of my all-time favorite novels.” Really? Novel? I’m not dissing you Judy!  I’m talking about it now aren’t I? Anyway, I also I found out that it is on a banned books list with Novels such as, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.  It was banned for its sexual content by religious right.  Uh…why is this funny? Because I was reading this during my Methodist (Or Baptist Lite) Phase, and I thought it was a religious book.   Seriously, years later I was a bit embarrassed that I had read a religious children's book, and liked it.  And, to the BOOK BANNERS, it got me to pray didn’t it?   I suppose it did backfire though, because, if i had to mark it, i'd say it was likely the beginning of my Skepticism.  I know! Some of the most trusting, may be thinking that god is listening now. 

God or no god, I suppose sometimes we all are the butt of life’s little jokes.        

On a side note, the other book that I recall reading during this time period was “A Wrinkle in Time” by Madeleine L’Engle.  I was pretty sure this was not a religious book, because my Dad (who was a science and nature guy) also read it, and he thought it was really cool.  It was about time travel through a “Tesseract” or, a Wrinkle in Time and Space. The children in the book had to travel through this Wrinkle to the 5^th dimension, in order to find their father who had been missing for over a year.  My father came to my new house to help fix it up, back in 1999, and I never saw him again.  Who knows.

With all that said, lets get on to the update.  I was attempting to describe to a blogger friend of mine, who is significanltly better with words than I, how I’ve been feeling this week..  “kind of like, in my own bubble, kind of down…”, I said.  ”Isolated” she said.  Yes, I suppose that’s the word that pretty much describes it.  Isolated is not all bad.  I don’t really feel alone, and I am not alone.  I’ve been with friends or family, pretty much all week due to the continued outpour of kindness and generosity.

Cindy R and Me at my new trail entrance

Cindy Above, and Me at the bottom of Hill of Life :)

Generous Meatloaf!



My Loves Humoring me on Trail Hike Bastrop



Outside of this moment:



Movie Theatre All To MYSELF!



Even at this point I was really very happy.  Being in a movie theatre all alone can make you feel like the richest person in the world, and my WWF friends were with me!  

 And this moment:

Photo of Mount Bonnell…here texting my sweet running friend Lisa reminding her that the last time I was here she was kicking my ass up the hill on the back side of this Mt. Bonnell.

And this moment:

Just Kidding:

Just an afternoon at the grocery store :)

On a more serious note, I suppose I was feeling a bit isolated, when I realized that my surgery was exactly 7 months from the weekend that I found the tumor.  So bizarre when it hit me while I was lying in bed, that that breast once hurt from cancer.  I remember exactly what it felt like, and now, it’s just gone. It hurts again, but now from the surgery. The pain is decreasing somewhat, but it is still there, and now my whole chest, back and shoulder are getting tight.  The surgeon told me that that will get worse.  (Did I ever say I appreciated directness?- I don’t think so).  I am frustrated that the surgical drain has not been taken out yet, due to too much drainage, and will not be taken out until later this week, or even Monday of next week.  This is mostly a problem because i cannot take a shower while it is in, and it makes it difficult to get dressed and sleep.  The surgeon states that he wants to be cautious, because it will heal best if we do not rush taking out the drain…..Me'….thud!…Breathe….I’ve been unusually tired, I think due to the healing process, the PAIN, SPASM, (AXIETY), PAIN cycle, and the pain meds.  I’ve been attempting to rest at least daily, and I have been eating more cake than I should, because my Mom said I needed it to get better :).

Tomorrow I go back to see the Oncologist and get my first triple dose of the Herceptin. Yes, back to that godawful place for more chemo. (Wasn’t that phase over?).  I’m sure at some point soon we will discuss the initiation of the 6.5 weeks of radiation.  I’m thinking it will begin within the next few weeks.

PS? Is it wrong to steel photos of your own children off of the internet? 

I say no way, not when they're this cute!!!

SPAspital

SPAspital

My last post that was around 10:00 pm on Monday, the night of my surgery, made it sound like things were all going very well.  Well, at that point they WERE. It pretty much went downhill from there.  Richie left and I was happily going to settle in for the night.  Then the unexpected happened.  I could NOT sleep.  How could I be on Morphine and not be able to sleep?  Anxiety, I suppose, is a powerful thing but, I kept trying.  I kept pushing that button, and kept falling asleep for about 10 minutes. It was rough. I was pretty much up all night.  Without going into too much detail, I was not satisfied with the nursing care, and I’ve already begun to seek alternatives for my next surgery.  Someone asked me if I was having trouble sleeping because the nursing staff was keeping me awake, and I remember saying, no, if anything, it was me bothering them.  It was around 3:00 a.m. when I first mentioned to the Nurse Assistant that I had a severe headache, and that I found that odd, for someone on Morphine, and then after 4:00 by the time the nurse that was helping out my nurse came in to discuss this headache.  I finally began to blame the morphine itself for the headache and asked that nurse if there was anything else I could take instead, and she said yes, I could take the hydrocodone and just use the PCA (Morphine pump) as needed. I asked her what the usual plan/process for the weaning off of the morphine pump was, and she said “I don’t know”. Then, I began to wonder if should have been on the oral pills all along too instead of relying on the self-administration of the morphine, which I was actually trying to hold off on.  Just think how much pain I could have been in when I woke up, if I had actually fallen to sleep.  So, somewhere around 5:00 am I started the Hydrocodone and stopped the morphine.  The headache did not stop, however, until after my Mom arrived around 10:15 with my free iced latte’, and taco, and some Advil.  Free? You ask? Yes, Free! An amazing thing happened when my mom went to see my caffeine dealer at the Irie Bean coffee shop http://www.iriebean.com/  , (Raf,  sounds like Calf…his brother’s name is Ace J)  When my mom began to order my specialty drink,  Double Iced latte’, 2% milk, extra ice, less milk, Raf said, “Is this for the (bald) girl with the little boy who comes in here?  She likes it in the paper cup….”and he put it on the house!! It was awesome because I do like it in the paper cup, but I thought that was probably just one too many things for Mom to remember.   Then, Mom went to the Casita Taco next door and my sweet taco lady also guessed who it was for, and put it on the house for me as well!  Hand on chest…..Verklempt J.

At 8:00 a.m. my surgeon came in and told me the surgery went well, and that they visibly saw no cancer.  He gave me some instruction on how to care for the incision and told me that I would go home today, and to make a follow up appointment with him next week.  I was pretty out of it, so I don’t remember everything he said.  At 9:15, the next nurse came in and I asked about what time I’d go home and she said by 11:00.  I was shocked and believe I said “OH SH….I…T”.. ..I was not near being ready to get going out of there.  Then the nurse said, “Well, we will not kick you out. You can leave when you are feeling ready.”  So, when my mom arrived, I instructed her to lay low, and just stay in the room. I would not call the nurse, and we’d likely not see them until 2:00, which was about accurate.  The nurse tech did come in to take the BP, and then finally I did feel I needed to call someone to empty the drain. Should I even go into what happened next?  No, but it turns out that a liquid and gas filled rubber pocket does have a tendency to splatter when you release the little stopper. Next time I’ll close my eyes.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been a bit more emotional than usual.  I’ve been in more pain than I expected.  The doctor had told me that this surgery was “not that painful, but takes longer to recover from than you’d expect”. (Maybe because it IS PAINFUL to the person who has had the surgery).  I was in quite a bit of pain when the surgeon himself called me on Thursday to give me the pathology report results.  The great news was that they found NO CANCER in any of the breast tissue or any of the lymph nodes.  Unfortunately, I was so busy complaining about the hospital, and then further upset about what he said next that I hardly took note of that.  When I told him that I was having a lot of nerve pain, he said that generally that decreases with time, but it could be a year, or it may never go away.  He said that he has actually had to go back and cut nerves that were originally NOT cut, on people in order to get the nerve pain to stop.  So from that statement on, I’ve been a bit in the dumps. I’ve also been perseverating a bit on, and feeling a bit angry about how much time I still have left with this treatment.  I think being in pain makes it seem even longer.  I still have 6.5 weeks of radiation, then 3 months cooling off, then, left mastectomy and bilateral reconstruction. Then, i still won’t be quite done with the Herceptin chemo.  At this point, more surgery is not sounding very reasonable.  I’m hoping that by next week I’ll be able to see the light at the end of that tunnel more clearly again.

With all that said, I’m actually feeling a bit better even as I write. (See, Blahging is great.)  I’m sitting here thinking about all the good things that have happened this week.  I have very supportive family and friends.  I already mentioned the taco and latte’.  In addition to that, and my Mom doting on me most of the week,  this week alone, I’ve had flowers sent to me by my Uncle and Aunt, my father in law, and 2 of my friends Cindy R and Jenny C.  I’ve had friends bring me food….Lisa C, Jenny, homemade spring rolls by Roberta, and people take me out to lunch, mom and Cindy R.  One of my out of state friends, Kristin T. sent me a very thoughtful care package and I received a sweet note and a gift card from my 90 year old friend, Vi.   I received get well notes from my co-workers, supportive statements on my blog, personalized supportive emails and texts, and all of my neighbors got together and signed a card and gave me a gift certificate to the local Soup Peddler.   I’ve had my Words With….. Friends, up, playing words at all hours of the night, and I think I may have won one gaim.  One of my friends even gave me the gift of an old memory with his pledge to play a “reunion” rock show, which is normally out of character.  I got to go out to the ranch on a beautiful day with my family, my son learned to pee pee in the toilet, and my husband made me an awesome dinner of grilled shrimp and those awesome bacon wrapped cream cheese stuffed jalapenos!

I got to do modified yoga once, and got to go out and walk on the greenbelt twice.  I even found a new, even closer to my home, trail entrance.

One of my good friends told me that I looked great when he saw this photo of me at my, ‘Fist Punch’,  Gus Fruh, trail entrance on my first day out after surgery. 

Not really looking great, but sporting my new “fast runner look” on the right side.

Thank you for the compliment, though. J

Oh yes, I have not forgotton about the wonderful massage that i had that was set up for me before my surgery by my sweet friend Cindy S. Or, the awesome time i had hanging out with my BFF, and at the Downtube Shifter Tube Top Extravaganza.  Thanks to everyone who came out to celebrate that day with us!

Thank you all again for your love and support, and your reminders of what keeps me treading forward.  I think next week will be a better week.

Emily

Surgery 3.21.11

3/21/11 10:00 p.m.

Hello all! 

I'M here in the hospital.  Pretty woozy so please excuse any misspellings or improper punctuation.

They say the surgery went well. I heard it through the grapevine.  

They wheeled me into the Sx room round 2:10 I was out like a light, VERY soon after that.  Woke up at 5:22 on the clock in the recovery room.    I was in quite a bit of pain initially, and I believe my first word was " ouch" or "it hurts". I was pretty grumpy because I know there are meds  that can keep that from happening.  My recovery nurse, Patti, who happened to be a trail runner, was a pretty good sport about my grumpiness, and did a pretty good job keeping me distracted.   I liked her by the end because I heard her saying nice things about me in her report..   "she's a very well conditioned person". And even said nice things directly to me " you look very cute without hair, you should leave it that way," and then referenced how Sinead OConner looked much less attractive with hair.  Well, I'll think about it.  We got the pain under control with the little button I can push every 10 minutes if I want.

In the hospital room now and pretty set for the night.  Well fed. Just got back from restroom, ice water right here, and I've already put some light postural yoga into practice.  :)

Yes, a breast does have phantom feelings, and yes, I do somehow feel lighter and potentially faster. 

Thank You all for your love and support! Goodnight now.

Emily

Phase II: Round 11 "I'll take the Zero, Miss"

Phase II: Round 11  (Taxol Done-Herceptin only)  “I’ll take the Zero, Miss”

Tuesday 3/1/11. 

Today was indeed a test.   In school, I used to like tests…I was pretty good at them and it was often like a game for me.   97 average in high school, Magna Cum Something, in PT school.   Most who know me also know that I DO enjoy a challenge and often set myself up that way.   Today, however, I think maybe it’s enough that I made it to class, and stayed to listen to what had to be said.  

Monday afternoon I found out over the phone that my last Taxol treatment was likely done last week. Number 10 of the original 12 planned.  The doctor decided to discontinue based on the neurotoxicity that I was experiencing.  Stopping made me happy and scared.  I was determined to make the point that it was their decision.  I don’t want my own blood on my hands.  

I was instructed to schedule an MRI as soon as able, and then go ahead and come in to my Tuesday doctor’s appointment to hear the plan for further treatment. This plan was to be based on meetings between the Oncologist, the Radiation oncologist, the Breast Cancer Specialist, and the General surgeon.  (They left my buddy plastic surgeon, who is, I believe, on “my side”, out of the loop, which I thought was rude.)

I scheduled the MRI for Wednesday morning at 6:30 a.m. and I showed up on Tuesday as instructed (after my glorious weekly 6 mile Tuesday group run and breakfast.)

Cindy S. and Chuck....who are WAY faster than me,but still run with me :).   AND the ones who got me into YOGA.

The nurse who accesses the port came in, stabbed me as usual, took my blood, and taped on the syringe where the chemo goes.  The Nurse Practioner Sara, who I like, came in to prep me with the bad news.  They had decided that I would definitely have Radiation Treatment due to the original size of the tumor (which was between 5-7 cm) and the aggressive nature of the type of cancer.  I would have bilateral mastectomy within the next 3 weeks, then radiation daily (5 days a week) for 4-6 weeks. I would then wait 6-9 months for the surgery to heel and to see if the cancer seems gone, and THEN plan the re-construction. This all would basically mean extending the course of treatment/surgical plan by about 9 months to a year.  I was very disappointed, because I had had in my mind that we would be able to do most of the reconstruction at the time of the surgery, thereby saving myself a surgery, minimizing a delay in return to life as I’d prefer it, and protecting my vanity.

After this punch in the stomach, as I was sitting in the infusion room for over an hour, crying non-stop, waiting for my 30 minute dose of Herceptin, I began thinking horrible thoughts.  What crazy thing should I do to cause harm to myself, sabatoge my existence, and make myself hurt with physical pain.  I felt I could handle that.  This pain was not physical and it was too difficult to bear.  Everything I thought of though, would only hurt someone else.   Then, I thought of how much this has already hurt my poor husband, who is the last person that I want to hurt ANY MORE.  While I’m sitting there crying and devising schemes for increased personal physical suffering, I also begin thinking……this is a critical moment.  These are the moments that make us what we are.  O.K.  I am pathetic….  I’m sitting here crying while this cute little bald girl is across from me smiling, hooked up to that godawful shit and having a normal conversation with a nurse.  Am I?  I can decide now.  This IS the only thing that I do have control over today.  How I decide to deal with this information.   So, I decided to just let this one go.

“l’ll take the Zero, Miss”.  I’ve always had fond memories of that statement that I heard more than a few times in French class in high school. I never did take the zero in that class, but always got a kick out of it when other people did.  There’s just something so liberating about that.  I’ll take the Zero.. I choose to take the zero, and I’ll be OK.  I could yell out any number and you’d write it down….but, I’ll take the zero. I'll let it go.

Thursday 3/3/11

So now, after the MRI, another appointment/consult with the Radiation Oncologist, a phone conversation with MY PLASTICS guy J,  and days of waffling back and forth, the plan sticks.  The Bilateral Mastectomy is scheduled for Monday March 21^st at 2:00 with no immediate reconstruction.  3-4 weeks of recovery, then 6.5 weeks of 5 days a week radiation.  Then, a 2-6 month “cooling off” period, per the plastic surgeon….i’ll just go ahead and call him Ned... and then the DIEP reconstruction.

One Point for “the Method”.  Zero to the home team “Control Issues.”

Did I say Liberating?