"Marathon Curious" / One Year Out

It's funny to me that it literally took a "court order" to get me to blog again.  So what if it was just a court appointed Jury Duty date.

I will admit that I have missed blogging.  I have NOT, however, missed CANCER or any of the treatment.

I guess I'm writing now because I've been in a pensive phase. I've been doing some thinking (yikes), and I generally do that best when I write the shit down and let everyone who will listen, know about it.

It just occurred to me that TODAY is the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my Bilateral DIEP Breast Reconstruction Surgery.  I KNEW something had me thinkin'!!! One year ago today I went under the knife for what turned out to be the MOST physically challenging of all the Cancer treatments.  Don't get me wrong, the surgery itself went very well and the end result is actually quite impressive, if I do say so myself, but I must tell you that this surgery brought me down physically to a level that I had not been at any other time during, or before, cancer treatment.  Not just the surgery itself,  which completely trashed the minimal core I had worked up to since my 2 C-Sections, but also the 1 month of mostly sitting in a "puffy chair" and then 2 more months of absolutely no exercise, or work.  Due to my Vicoden induced decision to join the November NYC marathon, and my excitement to get back to life and to running, I was able to jump back in fairly quickly, even if at an extremely slow running pace.  I had a very rough summer of running but then starting feeling a bit better in the fall.  As you know the NYC marathon was cancelled, but I did get to run a marathon in Central Park, which was actually probably a great thing because I did not have a timing chip on so there was very little stress.  After NYC, I decided to go ahead and sign up for another Trail 50 K race in March.  This was the same race that I did last year when I had raced the 50 mile. (Nueces).  When I signed up for the 50K I was very excited because it sounded so short compared to the 50 miler. I was happy also to have made a very sound decision in that I knew that wasn't going to be prepared for 50 miles again this time around!

I had some pretty decent winter running, and some really great times with my old trail running buddies:

And a few really Horrible runs:

But the resultant 50K was Great!

This was a 50K PR for me and a super fun weekend!

I have to admit that even during my 50 K training, and then after,  a certain "itch", or curiosity kept bugging me.  I'll explain...

As you may know, I do at least one day a week of road running and I have been doing that "speed" work with Team Rogue.  I've been running with a new coach there named Jeff Knight.  He's a really cool person and he seems to really know what he's doing.  My thoughts about that were confirmed when, the other day, I met with him to discuss my "Marathon Plan", and he mentioned that I'd come a long way since he met me in September/October.  He mentioned also that, at that time, he'd wondered if I ought not even be there. (Post surgery and all, and that I was SUPER SLOW).  I have to admit that he was probably right, but also chuckled inside when he said it as I remembered that I looked good at that time compared to when I was bald and in chemo and was still attending every Tuesday, 2 years ago.  I thought it very cool that he went with it, despite his doubts and let me keep coming for reason's he may not have even understood at the time.  Not only did he let me keep coming, but he showed interest in me and continued to progress my workouts.  I'll never forget the day that I was having my first good run at a decent pace, and he was driving in the car next to me for what seemed like a mile.  I felt like ROCKY.  It was very inspiring.  But let me back up....

When I first met Jeff, I explained to him that "I'm just the trail runner girl who shows up on Tuesdays."   "I run trail the other days."  It was kinda strange and cool for me that he did not know anything about me or that I'd been doing this Tuesday road run for several years even before and through cancer.   I explained that my "A" race for the year was Nueces 50K in March.  I then explained that this 50K trail race was sort of like "a really, really, long, slow, hilly, rocky marathon", in order to get it inside his wheelhouse.  After this description, he hardly paused for a breath, and then asked me what MARATHON I was going to do?.  Hmm...  I asked..."What's the next one after March?"  He said.."Eugene".  I said.."I'd like to go to Eugene." Which I absolutely meant (for vacation purposes, etc) . I've never been to the great Northwest.  So, for the months of October through March, Jeff trained me for this trip to Eugene that sounded absolutely wonderful.  At some point in January or February I realized that I was, in at least in someones mind (Jeff's), actually going to do this Eugene Marathon.   At that point I had a little talk with  my husband and explained that depending on how Nueces goes, I MIGHT sorta have to do this marathon.  After Nueces I showed up on Tuesday morning at 5:30 as I normally do and began discussion with Jeff regarding my future running plans.  I was pretty tired that day (having just raced 31 hilly, rocky, miles only 3 days before) so I mentioned to him that maybe I should run Eugene NEXT year.   He had a few words regarding my statement that allowed me to buy one more week of introspection.
After a week of fun during SXSW including several days without the kids, I was feeling GREAT, and realized that I still wanted a few more months to try to continue to progress my fitness. Just before Nueces, I had realized that I did not feel that I was going to actually be peaking for that race. I felt that if I'd just have a couple more months, then I would possibly be peaking, and I'd be closer to one year out from my surgery. Nueces ended up being a better day than I had expected, producing a 50K Personal Record for me (including pre-cancer races), but I still just felt I wanted more. The difficult thing was going to be explaining to Richie this seemingly ridiculous desire. I wanted a SECOND "A" RACE within 2 months of the other one, and this one requiring plane tickets to OREGON. Oh yeah, and I want to take my 5 year old son with me who has never been on a plane. Richie was hesitant but agreed. Luckily by the time he realized the price of the plane tickets and began to question why I didn't just run a marathon in Austin, it was too late :).

So, here I am now in my "taper" phase trying to figure out my "purpose" for this marathon. Why did I decide I wanted to do this? What is it that is going to keep me running, or even better, keep me running as fast as I'd like to, when things get tough. Since toughness alone is no longer an option, due to the fact that I had previously vowed against it (in order for bad things that require toughness to get through to stop happening to me), I must find a true "purpose". I explained to my coach that prior to Cancer I was very competitive. I was the girl that would always try to catch the person in front of me and never let the person behind have an inch. Since Cancer I've been much more content to just be wherever I was. So then, why am I, a self-professed trail runner, now signed up for yet another marathon? And why do I have a certain marathon time goal? Especially since I really don't know what that means any more and I have only an inkling of the pace that I'm capable of. In trail running we don't even pay attention to the pace per mile. In fact, for the better part of this training season I didn't even have a Garmin. When I signed up for Eugene, I literally had no idea what pace I should be running. So, since I signed up for this marathon I've had about 4 weeks with a new Garmin and an eye on what might be possible. So, what is my motive? The only things I can really come up with are that 1.) I just feel like doing it, as I mentioned above about just wanting more time to progress, and 2.) I'm curious. Curious about how I will run. Curious what I can do literally one year out from my surgery, having started from what I consider zero.  My lowest point in cancer treatment. In a way I think that I feel it's kind of like a final exam for my comeback. I used to love taking tests in school. I always wanted to see what the best score I could get could be. Have I studied well enough? Will I get lucky? Do I already know the material? Have I done the work? This is a game that the pre-cancer me might have played. Like I explained to Coach Jeff, I've changed in many ways since cancer. Mostly for the better. But, there are some parts of the old me that I have begun to miss.  It feels kind of good to feel like that person again, at least in some ways.

NYC Here I Come!

I feel so out of touch! My computer has been broken down and I'm just not comfortable with that!  I was finally able to sit down and get it fixed today over the phone by a very helpful Indian guy named Jaz.  Yay! I'm so Jazzed.

It's so hard to believe that it has been almost a month since I have posted an update.   Since my last post I have indeed made some, great and exciting, and other, slightly upsetting, GAINS.   Most importantly, each and every one of my "Ouwees" have healed up completely.  It really was almost like a miracle how both of the small lingering open areas literally "slammed shut" as we drove to the coast for our 4th of July vacation.  This made me SO happy because that meant that I could swim in the water without a greater fear than the next gal of the uncommon "flesh eating bacteria" that has been found rarely in the waters there in Matagorda bay.  It was so fun to be immersed in water and to swim again. I really missed that over the 12 weeks prior. It was also very fun and exciting to be back in a bathing suite and to be balanced again without the fuss and muss of my Spongeboob.

   We all had a great time.

Not an effect of Bacteria. They are so cute like this.

Secondly, I have been able to start running again!  It has been slow and quite horrible, but that's ok.  It still feels good to be at it again.  I'm now up to 6 miles as my long run. I've been able to do some distance biking as well, which I feel will eventually pay off for my running endurance once my muscles and joints are able to tolerate running again.  It has been interesting that my leg muscles and joints are actually feeling each additional mile like they once did years ago when I first began training for my first half marathon.  At approximately 12 weeks, this has been by far the longest break I've taken from running in at least 8 years, maybe even longer.  Even through chemo, radiation, and the first mastectomy,  I was not off from running for more than 3 weeks (radiation surprisingly enough).  Thinking this out does help put my discomfort into more perspective.  Outside of the mild joint and muscle issues, there is the more significant discomfort of the severely TIGHT abdomen.

It is so much better that it was, but still very difficult to stand up completely erect, and even more difficult to hold that erect posture, that is recommended for running, while running. Please do not get me wrong, I am actually not complaining.  I am truly thrilled that the wounds are healed and that I am able to start stretching and running and living life again!

The final, slightly upsetting gain that I have made since my last post is the 4 lbs that, did, literally, "sneak up from behind" after my vacation! I want to mention this because it is an interesting phenomenon or side effect of the DIEP procedure.  You might be asking "what's so interesting about 4 lbs of deep fried back fat?" Well I'll tell ya....
About 1 year ago I was warned by another breast cancer and DIEP flap reconstruction survivor that this could happen. (You can see the sides of it if you look closely above)...Anyway, because the plastic surgeon literally cut off all of the fat from the front side of my body (abs), when I gain weight it will no longer go THERE.  After 42 years of using my abdominal rolls as an indicator of weight gain I am going to have to rely on another method.  I've been feeling so 'thin' lately that I have not stepped on the scale in WEEKS.  The other day,  I accidentally got a view of my back side in the mirror, and just as the woman that I mentioned earlier had described to me a year ago,  I FOUND my 4 extra pounds!
It was shocking, but at the same time I got a laugh out of it because I remember this woman, and her words of warning, so clearly. 

15.5 Weeks until the NYC Marathon!  I'm cutting it close, but I can do it!  I know I can because  thanks to you all, my awesome friends and family members, and Fred's Team, my fundraising goal has been achieved (One donation not showing on the page yet). I wasn't sure how I was going to raise that money, but it happened, and this training is going to happen the same way! 

PS if you have a person you would like highlighted in this blog, please send me their information/write up if you have not done so already.  Thank You!

Emily

Cancer. Competetive Edge. Catharsis. Climax. Contentment.

Those of you who've followed this blog with any consistency probably remember me blogging about my first race back into running since before: "you have cancer".  That race was back on December 10th 2011.  At that point I remember feeling the "Greyhound in the Gate" feeling that some runners might feel before a big race. Ready to run, ready to kick ass.  So ready to get back to running, feeling good, and living life. That race was was supposed to be a training run that I was just going out to do to see the land and to run a supported long run.  As you may remember, I ended up mostly racing, and doing pretty well overall. 10th female and 2nd age group which is difficult to do especially for a 25 K which usually brings more runners and faster runners.  Then there was the Bandera 50K. AGAIN, SUPPOSEDLY a training run, which I had not tapered for.  I had run 26 miles the weekend before, and this was NOT my "A" Race. Yet, again, I found myself mostly "racing" the whole thing and doing pretty well overall. I believe 12th female.   Oh, yes, then merely weeks after that, I found myself ACTUALLY attempting to race the 3M half mararathon despite the fact that I had not been training to run fast, or at any type of even tempo.  In my own mind, and likely within the mind of any coach, this erratic racing and training behaviour would not be recommended if one wanted to do well at their "A" Race.  Even my Step Father who has been a marathoner in his past had sent me an email basically trying to remind me to be careful and keep my eye on the prize...the 50 miler....My "A" Race.....this thing I'd been mentally focused on, and blogging about, for oh, maybe about a year....Very good advice, and I agreed, yet continued these silly, out of control, acts.  None of these acts were really like me, or my former self.  It was just that I was somehow compelled to do it all.  Make up for lost time, etcetera.  I can't even say with certainty that I regret any of it.  I've had a great season.  I'm really only re-hashing all of this for a few reasons.  Firstly to bring you up to just before the 50 mile race and secondly to help you, and myself, better understand my mental state before and during the race.
 I mentioned in my past few posts how my left leg was bothering me and I wasn't really running.  I didn't really run much for the better part of the last 3 weeks.  2 short runs and 2 attempts at running that ended in calf spasms and foot pains not to mention feeling of weakness, and burning sensations down the back of my butt and thigh.  I opted for aquajogging which really just felt good.  I saw 2 doctors.  The first doctor thought it might be my iliopsoas muscle squeezing my sciatic nerve. I had a psoas release which did seem to help a bit.  Then my back did start bothering me a bit, so I went and saw another doctor who has more experience with multiple medical situations.  He felt that we should probably rule out something in my spine...including...Cancer.  Oh God.  My mother has back pain and some spinal stenosis, so I was thinking we should rule that out too?  During this time of visiting with doctors and aquajogging I had extra time unplanned/unexpected time to think, and had a few cathartic moments as I mentioned in my last post.  I had not planned on making any decisions regarding my reconstruction surgery until after the 50 miler.  I was planning on having visions regarding what I should do DURING the race.  Again, erratic, unplanned behavior and a resultant Pre-Mature Climax. Several days before the race, I had decided on my reconstruction plans, and had even scheduled the surgery for April 16th.  I decided to save the scheduling of the MRI until after the race.  At some point I had to begin to focus on making sure that I was standing there on the starting line, and that I would be able to complete what it was that I had started out to do.

Problem was....I had already finished.

I found myself standing there on the starting line, having already achieved my primary goals:  Return to life, get healthy, and make some hard decisions.  I still had one more thing to do though, and that was to complete this 50 miler.



 After the first lap of this 3 laps x 16.7 miles race, I realized that I would indeed make it to the finish line.  My leg and primarily my foot were bothering me, but nothing that a few bloody, then stubbed, toenails didn't end up masking.  I stayed with my friend Lisa for about 30 miles.  

 I felt OK.  Not great.  Then the unexpected happened again.  The Competetive Spirit Did NOT arrive this time. Only a feeling of contentment.  (Peppered with severe pain due to repeatedly stubbing my currently bloody, previously Taxol....Toenail).


 I felt happy.  I was alone in the woods on a beautiful day.

I was thinking about my beautiful family and my wonderful life.

 It just didn't seem important to me to kick anyone's ass at that point which is something very different for me, and even a bit "off the shelf", if you will. Like trying on a new pair of shoes. You "might" like it.   Somewhere around mile 38 I remember beginning to think... "This is not really my thing".  "I like Yoga".  I also remember thinking that I should keep running so that I could get back to the finish line sooner rather than later, to see my husband and friends who would be waiting there for me.

Tejas Trails Coach Joe Prusaitis

 Richie told me the day after the race that it was even slightly awkward for him when I crossed the finish line with people standing there cheering for a cancer survivor (me) who had just completed a 50 mile race and I was speaking very loudly..."This is not really my thing!" I just don't have the competetive spirit today!" 

Funny the things one will say after running 50 miles. 

Thank You to everyone who played a part in making this amazing weekend happen for me.  (Jenn).

"One can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegrtion if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways."  --Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

The Anticlimax

What a strange week.

I blew off my last echocardiogram because I figured what's the point.  And, my friend the Nurse Practitioner at the Oncology clinic said that I didn’t really have to do it.  I only had one more Herceptin treatment left, and we were going to go ahead and do it anyway.  Part of me wanted to see if my echo was actually any BETTER due to all the running I’ve been doing, but the larger part of me really just wanted to skip an appointment. I felt like I needed to make some kind of point or something. Feel rebellious, etc.  Anyway, I didn’t go.

I did my last (let’s hope anyway) Chemo (Herceptin) on Wednesday last week.  Again, like on the last day of my Radiation, I was sort of hoping that there would be confetti, or someone would ring that bell for me, or something. But, Alas, no one there seemed to know that it was my last treatment.  Nothing Happened. No Celebration. No Congratulations. Nothing.  I got poked, I got infused, and I did my usual best to ignore everything else going on in that room. I was on the phone and the computer, and I hardly even noticed the F------ harp player, but it WAS helpful that I was one row further away from her this time.  As I walked out, it was sort of like  s  l  o  w  motion as I passed that big brass bell on my left.  I’m not a shy person, and had I really felt deep down that the whole thing was over, I would have reached up and just RANG the () thing myself.  But…I didn’t.  I’m not sure if it was the fact that I knew I had to go back there the very next day to have the actual appointment with the oncologist, or the fact that I’ve still made no final decisions regarding the longevity of my left breast, made no plans for reconstruction, or the fact that I still have this port-a-cath imbedded in my left subclavian veins. But I just didn’t.  I just couldn’t, in full consciousness, ring that bell.  It would have been cool if someone else would have rung it, but, I just couldn’t do it myself.   Once I made it past the bell, I did, however, shed 2 tears as I walked out toward the stairwell.  I was not really clear on where the tears were coming from.  The last time I cried was July of this year (the last time I had a menstrual period) if you’re not counting the tears I shed 2 weeks ago as I got into my car to drive away from the trail race I did that weekend.  Those were tears of joy, though.  Tears of rejuvenation.  You know, the kind where you are sort of laughing and crying at the same time.  So, I really wasn’t counting that as crying. While one my think these tears I shed while walking out of the chemo room would have been of joy, or relief, they really didn’t feel that way.  Instead, during this slow motion scenario as I was walking out, I was experiencing a flashback of the last 16 months.  The infusions, the waiting, and the faces of the other patients.  I guess it was mixed emotion.  THAT, and as it turned out, a mere 2 days after the end of my Herceptin, I started my period again!  WOW! I thought that was over with!! I’ve been through hard core Menapause two times now and it is no fun.  In retrospect, I had noticed that my hot flashes were getting easier and farther apart.  Not really even waking me up.  I sort of thought that might be due to the fact that it’s been colder her, so I thought maybe I just wasn’t minding, or noticing them.  Well, I guess I’ll have to inform the doctor of this, but I’m thinking maybe it’s all part of the menopause. 

After meeting with the Oncologist for my “wrap up” appointment I really didn’t feel that much more resolve than I had prior to the appointment.  A summary of how that went: Wait in waiting room one hour.  Just about to get up to leave and the nurse came out to get me and said…”I was hoping you hadn’t left….the doctor is just getting back from vacation.  (At least the nurse knows me, I guess).   Once the doctor came in he began to dictate in front of me as he commonly does and he was saying something about how I’m continuing Herceptin.  I said NO, it was done yesterday.  We argued about it a bit, then he confirmed that yes, I was done.  He gave me a long spiel about Hi Tech vs. Low tech and Fatality rates with Breast Cancer in order to try to convince me for the 3^rd time that I DO NOT need any PET scans or further MRIs.  Maybe a chest x-ray, now and then.  He said that the patient ususally catches metastasis before the scans do, or "nearly" as soon :(.   Well,  let’s just hope I’m ON my CANCER game  a bit better than I was last time when I went in for the first time with a 7 centimeter tumor in my right breast.  He said that I can go get this Port out anytime, and that he would see me in four months.  We didn’t speak at all about the other side.  I know I’m not fully an optimist, but, I AM starting to think Conspiracy here.  Conspiracy between the Oncologist and the General Surgeon for me to keep this thing on the left despite initial recommendations to have it taken off too.    We’ll see though.  I’ll call the surgeon to make and appointment to discuss the port and the following surgery and reconstruction.  The reason I write this is in case anyone is reading this who has had breast cancer like mine where they initially recommend Bilateral Mastectomy due to aggressiveness of the cancer and due to young age.   Do NOT fall for the argument that you can remove the other breast during the reconstruction surgery.  When you have larger breasts, IT is really not cool to have one.  I won’t go into the details again.  I would have preferred to just have them both taken initially, as i thought was going to happen.  Remember, the general surgeon informed me only days before the surgery that we would wait to do the other side until the reconstruction happens.  I was not reconstructed at that time due to radiation.  I have, however, interviewed several of my therapy clients recently who have had single mastectomy with NO reconstruction and asked them how they have liked it.  They all say, it’s horrible to have one.  AND, a side note is that I’ve noted that many of them have moderate to severe scoliosis.  I don’t think it is a coincidence.  My chest, back and underarm are so tight it is affecting my right hip and groin.  This may be mostly due to the radiation though.  As my dermatologist said….As she was cutting a hole in my right thigh to rule out skin cancer…..Radiation makes the muscles “like beef jerky”.  She’s right.  So, I suppose I cannot blame all the tightness on the surgery alone.

Enough about that.  I’ve decided to attempt a medical free holiday and not make any appointments until after the New Year.  

As for running.  It is great.  Last week was my highest mileage week so far this time around.  47 miles and full of HILLS, HILLS, HILLs.  Long run was 21 miles trail with lots of HILLs.  This week is recovery week.  I’ll do my best not to gain much weight with Holiday Foods Galore.

This is the hairdo that happens when one is trying to hold down the wacky hair that does whatever it wants.

Next week 25 miles long trail run.

I wish everyone the Happiest and Healthiest of Holidays!

Lessons in Patience

One thing that I was pretty sure that cancer would not take from me was my patience.  Clicking off weeks and months of treatment and months and months of appointments, surgery and recovery, I often thought how this practice could help me become more patient as a person, and a more patient distance runner.  It takes patience to train for, and to run, long distances.    

Prior to cancer I was not really a fast runner.  My strengths as a runner were primarily that I was very patient, and very controlled, and “kind of strong” in general.  Some called it toughness. Whether it was physical or mental I'm not sure.  I was the queen of the perfect repeat, or of the negative split in workouts and many races.  I have many times relaxed and watched as competitors have run past me at mile 18 in order to pass them again at 25.  I’ve been able to control my pace to almost exact times.  I could follow a race plan to a “T”.  Once, I ran a marathon within 6 seconds of my goal time. Also, the average pace of the last 6 miles (of that marathon) was 1 minute faster than the first 20.  A negative split.  That was how I wanted it.  Partly because that's how I trained, and partly because when I had asked the head coach of my running group that time, Steve Sisson of Rogue, if a negative split marathon was possible and he said.. It's very difficult to do... but possible... it was then that I knew that negative splitting the marathon was what I needed to do.

During my cancer treatment I often tried to parallel treatment to distance/trail training in my mind.  It was something that gave me comfort due to the familiarity and the small feeling of control that it gave me.  Somehow, I could “pace” myself through it.  I also felt that if I couldn't train by running, at least I was going to be tuning and strengthening the important skills of patience and control.

Now, after over a year of this practice and 4 months of being back to running, I’m wondering… “Is it possible that, instead of tuning and strengthening my patience and control, I have used them up or let them go?”  Regarding control…I do know that this cancer treatment required me to “give in to THE METHOD” on more occasions than I was comfortable.  It did indeed require patience to continue for the 16 months I have endured, however, now I’m finding myself impatient and eager. I began to realize this about 6-8 weeks ago when I first started having some good runs.  After my warm up, or even before I was warm, I would find myself beginning to pick up the pace much earlier in the workout than I ever would have before. If I was doing repeats of something, like mile repeats, the 3rd or 4th repeat might be the fastest instead of the more desired last one.  This goes against everything that's always worked for me before in training.  I actually even used to lightly mock people like me who would run this way.  I've known it was happening and I've just let it.  I have NOT controlled myself.  I have given in to the temptation to run out of control.

This Saturday I ran a 25K trail race.  This weekend’s race was yet another lesson for me.  This race was supposed to be a training run for me. 

This was my RACE PLAN: Run the first 5 miles easy and then the last 10.5 miles at race pace and achieving a negative split overall.

Here’s how it went:

Mile 1: Too Fast.  *Fastest mile of My race,  but…. I’ll let that slide… everyone was fast. 

Mile 2: Too fast again.  Try to calm down. Try to follow plan…

Mile 3: Try to Pace….Try to be OK with letting these stupid Bitches pass me up this hill. They will pay later.

Mile 4: Running Balls Out! on the downhills!  Not patient! Not controlled…  But SO FUN!  I killed everyone near me for that next mile or two, that's for sure!  Really, I think that trying to keep up with me for those couple miles must have hurt some folks because I think only 1 guy passed me after that.  I did go on to pass maybe 9-10 people the rest of the race.  This all sounds kinda good, but, I kinda killed myself too.  AND I did not follow my plan...! I didn’t maintain control.

Around mile 6 I took some time to ease up and try to regroup and it helped some. It prevented a full on BONK, but some of the damage had been done. It was not going to be the negative split training run I had planned.

Pace and manage.  I don't know where this came from, but this was my mantra from mile 7-14.

At mile 14 I came up behind a woman who I had raced against, and beat, at the 20 miler that I won back in March 2010.  My Heyday J.  I was tired, but I had to catch and pass this person.  At this point this was a good thing for me. It gave me some focus.  Once I passed her, I was able to see the finish line and one person between me and the finish that looked like she could have been in my age group. There was about .5 miles to go.  I wasn’t sure if I had enough time to catch her, but I knew I would be angry at myself if she was in my category and I did not try.  So, I pretended that I heard my friends cheering for me, and I answered, for myself, a question that I had recently heard asked…Do you have something more to give?  And I passed her within 20 yards of the finish line.

Now that I think about it, it’s likely that this woman was just finishing her first loop of the 50K race that had started 30 minutes before my race….  (In the running world, this is probably pretty pathetic that I was trying to beat a girl in the race of twice the distance I was running. But hey, I didn’t know…and I could not take that chance anyway J). That last mile was my second fastest of my race.

Here I am holding my 2^nd place in age group award. 

 10^th female overall out of 36. 

Despite my disappointment that i did not follow my race plan,  I AM very happy with this.  This place is very similar to something I might have done just before cancer.  As a matter of fact, the last race that was put on by this group (Rogue) that I ran back in May 2010, I got 2^nd in my age group and 8^th female.  I know now that my body just wanted to see what it could do.  It was in a fight with my mind and this time I let it win.  

iBlog

While my mind is currently "iClouded" with random information,  I will make this attempt at a direct blog, for once.  We'll see how that goes.

This week has been a great one, really.  I've spent most of my week literally,  "in character" in my mind.  That character being my recently bedazzled alter ego, "POW" Howell. 

"POW" Howell is a female boxing superhero, of sorts.  When created, she was intially,  "Fightin' Cancer, Bitch!"  She quickly realized that that fight was going very well and so decided to take on "Laziness",  as well.

"Are you Lazy?  I'm gonna POW you!"  She would say.

This character was apparently being found lazy at some point.

This one was found doing NO wrong and ultimately knocked "POW" plum out with her super beauty.

The parts of the week that I spent in my usual character also went very well.



 I'm feeling better each week.  Running is getting easier.  Hmm. I wonder why?

I'm up to 16.5 mile long run on the trail,  and last week was my highest weekly mileage, since cancer, at 41 miles.  Mostly trail.  

I went to the GAP today, and it barely phased me.  I stayed in my own world (iPhone).   They didn't even test my blood levels, so i couldn't even perseverate on that.  I basically ate my salad and left.  Two more Herceptin Treatments.  I'll be done before Christmas.

The only thing that kind of left me a bit unsettled this week was the lack of feedback on the Sharkboy blog.  I'm probably digging a hole here, but I want to leave readers with 2 possible morals to that story:

Never make light of another person's tragedy. (The obvious one).

and.....

Disability and Despair can be FUNNY.  Particularly, if they are your own. (Apparently). 

Reconstruction

“I'm a woman with 1  D cup. My shirts won't even stay in place without my heavy rubber prosthetic breast.  I wanted to do the bilateral mastectomy from the beginning, but the doc wouldn't do it until reconstruction. I really dislike being lopsided. The prosthesis is a hassle. Also, sometimes I see, or feel my mastectomy side and it makes me sad, especially next to the breast that is still there that should eventually be removed.  Sometimes I think I'll be ok with 2 mastectomies without reconstruction, and other times I do want something built in (smaller though)to fill a swimsuit.”

This above comment is something that I wrote in response to a blog that I follow.  Some Girls Prefer Carnations.

In her recent post, the author Heather was discussing breast reconstruction after mastectomy.   Since writing the comment, I’ve had some more time to think about all of this.  I Love how Heather is very confident and sure in her decision not to have reconstruction.  I WISH I could feel the same way.  The full story  is that, I DO NOT WANT to have another surgery.  I’ve had 2 C-Sections, and a Right Mastectomy.  The Mastectomy, which the doctor stated might take 4-6 weeks to recover from (without radiation), is,  even now, 6 months after the surgery date, still causing me problems.  I am , as a matter of fact,  this very day,  seeking medical attention for the severe tightness in my pectoralis major and minor that is compressing a nerve and causing some tingling in my hand.   I am afraid of the next surgery.  Even when I consider the least invasive of options which is just having the mastectomy on the left without any reconstruction, I am afraid of the risks and the lingering tightness that I am currently experiencing.  You may be asking…Why even have the mastectomy on the right?  Well, the doctors recommend it due to the fact that I’ve had breast cancer (which was an aggressive form) and  I’m only 41 years old.   I actually agree with this medical recommendation.  I am considered high risk, I do not want to go through breast cancer treatment again.   Also, now that I’m super lopsided, AND I DO NOT LIKE IT, the idea of leveling things out sounds great to me.  When this all of this treatment started,  reconstruction sounded like the obvious decision.  Badda Bing….Chemo, surgery, reconstruction, back to normal life with “right-sized” breasts J.  Just another small RIF.  (Reduction in Force for those of  you who have not yet been directly affected by the economy).   Now, after living with  post-surgical tightness and discomfort, and understanding that there will not really be feeling in the area(s), it seems less obvious.  However, as I mentioned above, I don’t like dealing with the prosthesis, and I’ve mentioned a time or two….I DO NOT LIKE being LOPSIDED.  It is not simply a matter of how it looks (although it does make me turn for a second look whenever I pass a mirror)  it is how it feels.   I like the Carnation’s author and readers’ opinions that everything in the world does not have to be “matchy, matchy”, and that there is “beauty in asymmetry”.  I hear all that, and would agree, but,  it just doesn’t feel right to me.  Also, while I really have never wanted the larger cup size that I have/had, I have become accustomed to having something there.  I have enjoyed filling out a bathing suit or a low cut shirt.  With that said, other than the severe tightness, the lopsidedness, and the extreme reminder of what I’ve been through,  the mastectomy site itself does not really bother me.  It does not feel bad not to have something there.  I even kind of like it in some ways.  As I’ve mentioned, I do look like a faster runner on that side.      

Had I not been typing the above entry from my ephone, I would likely have mentioned all of this.

In the light of this discussion, I’ve decided to name this phase of my life just that.  Reconstruction. This is the time period in which I’ll be working to re-build my physical and mental strength in order to run a 50 mile run, and to be able to make a sound decision regarding my future with surgery.

On that note, Reconstruction is well under way.  Here is an example of a very good sign:  Yesterday, when my alarm failed to go off at 4:45 am for my Tuesday morning 5:30 a.m. group run, and I woke up at 6:08 a.m. I was very upset.  I was able to gather myself and still make it out the door, drive downtown, and start running my solo 8 mile road run by 6:31 a.m.  I completed the run without a walking break despite lack of conversation, high temperatures and large hills J.

P.S. We'll miss you Bastrop.

Oh God, Not a Harp! or....$12 Salad

Today is Herceptin chemo day.  That in itself is enough to make me grumpy, and perhaps why I do feel extra grumpy today.  But now, even more so since I’m having trouble blogging due to this obnoxious harp music in my head.  How could a harp make someone irritable or angry?  Is it wrong for me to speak for (I’d think at least some) cancer patients, that just because we are bald and or in chemo, doesn’t mean we will all enjoy being held captive and forced to listen to a harp?  I’m going to venture out to even say it could even make some people sad, or feel creepy, or, as in my case, more irritable.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUYXKxBSg0g


 I’m bummed that I am feeling grumpy today, because despite not feeling well for the better part of two weeks after my last Herceptin, I was beginning to feel pretty decent the past week, and have been really feeling happy for the most part or the past 3 weeks.  Just happy in general.  Happy  to be alive, getting back to training, and even to work.    I think maybe I’m experiencing a small emotional dip due to feeling very happy for a pretty long time and then having to come back here to this place(GAP GawdAwfulPlace). My hair is getting a bit whacky, and now this harp music.   Is that ...We wish you a Merry Christmas?..
  It’s a cycle I guess.

On the good news end of things: I’ve lost 2.5 lbs of my “Breast Cancer Weight”.  ( I can’t remember now if I told that story, but at one point near the end of my 24 weeks of Hard chemo, I was speaking to the Radiation Oncologist’s Nurse, complaining about a 3 lb weight gain, and she said…..”that’s nothing”, “All Breast Cancer Patients get fat.”  If I did tell the story, then I must have mentioned how thank Goodness they did say that to me right after... “You have Cancer”. ) No, I’m not counting the 1.5 lbs of actual breast and/or tumor lost.  I was starting with the weight after surgery. J.  In the past, 2 weeks, I’ve been able to ride my bike for 3.5 hours twice, including a slightly modified version of the (50 mile) DaM loop that Richie and I have done for years and is sort of a benchmark for me ( Modified to 46 miles).  I haven’t been able to do that since at least November of 2010.   I ran over 6.5 miles in one run (7 miles) for the first time since the week before my surgery in March.  I'm able to do up to 20 push-ups again (still difficult and uneven but doing) and I’ve been eating a salad, much like this one 

That is actually a piece of Kale on the bottom left for those unfamiliar.

almost every day at lunch, and I’m still into it.  My secret is that I’ve been going to Whole Foods (mostly), or Central market (secondarily) and allowing myself to get WHATEVER I WANT off of the salad bar.  It’s mostly a secret though, because my husband, who I won’t name, would probably die if he knew this. ($$)  I figure my secret is safe here though.  I've also had the time to "Juice" a few more times.  Outside of the Juice actually being O.K. and making me feel pretty healthy, i've gotton a lot of kicks out of it.  First of all the word "Juicing" is hilarious. Secondly, it is simply amazing the things that you can get juice out of.  The best moment, though, was when i was in the actual process of juicing some Kale, and some guy came to our door trying to raise money for the cause to improve the American diet.  A cause, i am normally very interested in supporting, however at that very moment my first thought was....Aren't i doing enough?....I'm Juicing (and about to drink the juice of) Kale for Godsake's. :)

The other obvious great thing is that,while i'm NOT a fan of the summer schedule, or of this severe heat, i have gotton to spend some real fun times with my kids.  I really do have cute kids.

     

Phase II Round 10 Jackpot

I’ve been thinking recently how the concept of “diminishing returns” describes how I’ve been feeling about this chemotherapy treatment.  I feel that I am holding strong on the course of treatment, yet keep having to put forth more effort to maintain a basic level of function, and a positive to midland attitude.  At the same time, I’m receiving little proof of progress, and more feedback (from my body and my husband) that my ability to maintain these goals is diminishing.  

While recently crying in the CT Scan tube with visions of “Yer All Fluff” dancing in my head, does initially seem like solid proof that I am no longer tough, and therefore, likely cured of cancer, I've again begun to desire more medical proof.  I have begged for a mammogram or something beyond manual palpation to provide proof of a shrinking tumor, with no avail.  The oncologist and even the plastic surgeon now, say that a mammogram does not provide a good look, or any information that would we could base any decisions on, and that we will need an MRI.  Because I believe that the MRI is the most clear diagnostic tool, I will accept that.   Today they clarified that we would get an MRI one week after last Taxol treatment, which at this point is still up in the air, due to the neuropathies that I am developing.  The current plan is to simply check on me next week, with the possibility of this week, or each of the next two weeks being the last week.  During this week, however, the Oncologist plans to speak with the General Surgeon and the Radiation Oncologist in order to begin the ball rolling in case we discontinue this treatment early.  The Radiation Oncologist will look at the mammogram and then the MRI and assist the oncologist in deciding whether we should begin to plan for radiation, which would be after the surgery.  They will begin to plan the surgery date 3-4 weeks from the last Taxol treatment.  Also, any information that they find during the surgery and biopsies/ pathology tests that will be run during the surgery, will provide helpful information in decisions regarding radiation.

While this week started out a bit more difficult, as I mentioned in my previous post, there have been some great things too.  My son, casted, hooked and reeled in his first fish ALL on his own!  Port O’Connor here we come!

Adaline and I got to take a long 4 wheeler ride together in perfect weather at the Rayanch. 

We saw a Mexican Bald Eagle, and a black tailed deer bounded alongside us on the creek’s edge for 100 yards or more.  That was very exciting. 

We had a visit this week from Richie’s Mom, Grammy Ju Ju that went well, and I got to eat some great food, including steak, Shrimp Ceviche and Cake! 

 The weather was beautiful this weekend and Richie and I got to go out on a date and hang out with my friend Chuck, and his wife Kristin and his brother and hear entertaining tales of the Austin Marathon and Half Marathon that they participated in that day. The weather at both this Marathon and the recent 3M half marathon (either of which I could have potentially participated) was horrible.  The temperature was around 65 degrees, and the humidity was very high at both with an added headwind at the end.  This is my personal racing nightmare.  So, while I did feel a bit sorry for those who had trained for months specifically for each, it did make it a bit easier for me to miss out on those. 

I took a bit of a down week this week with exercise due to the strength required to carry the informational and mental/ emotional load that I received on Wednesday, in addition to just not feeling as well in general, until Saturday and Sunday.  I was able to jog 3 times (one nice trail run at Hill of Life, of course), and do yoga twice.  I haven’t missed a Tuesday morning run this Phase and, while difficult at times, I can still jog for 60 minutes, when rested and feeling well.

Today, Richie passed the last of what seemed like hundreds of exams to become certified in production and inventory management!  And still has a job!  Way to go, Richie!   

I am hoping that at some point near the end of this long arduous course, I will receive the ultimate return:  Some proof of a cancer free body and the ability to return to physical and possibly even mental well-being. J However, after my most recent Yoga session, in which I set my intention on relaxation and happiness, I’ve been reminded that my pot of gold is not only to be found at the end of the rainbow.  It is also within the rainbow itself.   

If you didn't already agree, take a look at this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fte3ph-PjaE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Emily

2/23/11