In the Thick of It

Well I've now gone and done 2 things that were not exactly in my 50 mile training plan.  Two things that I am willing to mention, anyway. 
 

First, I signed up for the 3M 1/2 marathon which I will run on 1/29/12 for that last chance effort toward a NY marathon qualifier. And, speaking of “Last Chance”, now, I am also signed up for my beloved  Bandera 50K  trail race which is this weekend. (Note:  “Last Chance” is the name of the last rest stop at the end of the 50k race, 1/2 mile from the finish.  It would simply be silly for a person running the 50K to stop there, but I believe the history has to do with the 100k racers taking a shot of liquor, or something, there... silly trail runners J).

This past weekend on New Year’s Eve morning, I ran 26 miles.   I ran the 26 miles out at a park called McKinney Roughs with some good friends.  It was a beautiful day and couldn't have been a better way to wrap up this year. 

My Newest Running Buddy Jack, and myself, checking out the Map. But... check out the MOP.

My good friend Lisa on the Colorado River Bank with Steam.

Wow, have I come a long way this year!  Right now I would say that I'm truly "in the thick" of my running/training. This past week I ran my 26 mile long run, and a total of 54 for the week.  One year

ago at this exact time, I was in the thick of the chemotherapy.  Bald, weak and tired. Now I've got this huge alien sort of thick mop on my head and i'm getting physically pretty strong again.  

I’m running some long miles, and I’m physically able to have fun.   I remember last year taking a family trip to the coast around this time and I was actually afraid to go. I was afraid that I might drop Adaline while carrying her up or down the 16 steps to the house. I also knew that on days as full as a day at the coast could be with our 2 kids, I would get so worn out, that I would just feel like crying. 

We just got back from a 3 day trip to the coast. 

I thought this view was very cool because when i jogged up to it i literally could not tell where the ocean ended and the sky began. (Like in Forrest Gump).

I must have carried Adaline, who is at least 5 pounds heavier, up and down those 16 steps at least 5 times, lifted her on and off the boat, the bed, the chair, the car seat, and the floor, oh… 20 or so times and only once felt physically tired.   That was when I was idiotically attempting an 8 mile (+ 30 minutes of 2/1 fartlek) run, following a diet of fried fish and fried cream cheese jalapeños.) I did have one episode related to emotional fatigue when I over puréed one of Adaline’s meals to an indelible runny consistency.  But,  probably only someone who purees and feeds and cleans up puréed food containers 2-3 times a day for several years in a row, could really understand the upset that this could cause. (Jenn). Anyway, the point was that I felt great and had a great time, even if I do look sort of silly with the mop thing.  It’s funny that this trip is when I truly noticed the difference in my strength and energy levels, in life. 

For this weekends race, I am, once again, shooting for a good solid "race prep" run.  Race Prep for my “A” race, which is the  Nueces 50 Miler  on March 3rd. This weekend, at the 50K, I will try out some new race/running strategies and reassess some of the old.  I’m hoping to have fun and feel good.  I’m also hoping to be able to complete some sort of run on Sunday, and then slip seamlessly back into training, as usual on Tuesday, in order to continue my progression of fitness for the next 8 weeks.

For Your Entertainment... Introducing...   "Dancing Ace"....doing the "Bust and Freeze" to SAIL.

Cancer Rain Check?

Since I was diagnosed with breast Cancer in August 2010, many things have happened.  Likely very few of which I was aware.  I remember when I was pregnant with Ace I tried to stay connected to the world and my running friends the best I could under the circumstances.  I remember I would go out to the races that I would have potentially been running had I not been pregnant, and cheer.  I have memories of living that year.

Now that it has been over a year since I was diagnosed, and a year since treatment was in full swing, my memories of last year are very odd and even distorted.  It is often difficult for me to distinguish memories from the year before as being 2 years ago.  This time last year I was in full blown Chemotherapy with the “Red Devil”.  Unlike the past 5 or so years, my memories of last year do not revolve around running races, or training schedules.  They revolve around phases and stages of treatments, and feelings; both mental and physical.  Phases of weakness, and some nausea, hotflashes, and being cold too.   I remember baldness and certain hats that I wore.    I remember my Mom doing my dishes, and eating lots of Soup that friends would bring over by the gallons. I remember notes that friends wrote me and even certain texts. I remember when I started my blog, and even some of the entries.   I remember very little about work except the little presents or chocolates that my co-worker would leave for me after each treatment and that I wore scarves to keep my neck warm. I remember little about what other people were doing.  I remember nothing about politics or things going on in the world other than anything that had to do with the iphone.  I do however remember the approximate distances that I was calling my “long run” which occurred weekly on Tuesday Mornings before my chemotherapy, with the Team Rogue Group.  I remember people that were in the group at that time.  I remember how people were very nice to me and how some would look at me with a very confused look on their face.   I don’t blame them, of course. Many of them didn’t know why I looked the way I did, and  It’s not every day you see someone at a running group who is ghostly pale, bald, and currently undergoing chemotherapy. 

This past week I was running with one of the women who had been in the group at this time last year.  I’ve known of her for several years.  I’ve seen her around.  She’s much faster than me so we just never really ran together or got to know one another.  Anyway, she ran up behind me and began to run beside me and asked me how my Thanksgiving was.  It was funny to me because I initially had no idea she was talking to me.  I figured she was asking the faster guy to her right.  “Oh, me?”  I said something about how it was good and how happy I was that our kids were good in the car on the 14 hour drive to Alabama, and back. I decided at this point that I would attempt to keep the running up at her pace.  Why not?  It was cool outside… a good running temperature for me.  We began to discuss running, and running marathons, which is an unsurprisingly common topic of discussion on a run such as this.  She asked me what I was training for and I told her about the 50 mile trail run I have scheduled in March. We discussed trail running versus road running.  Neidra, the woman I was talking to, has done some trail running and has considered “going trail” J.  I said something to the effect of… I have very little desire anymore to run road marathons, at this time anyway… except the New York City Marathon.  I mentioned that one bummer about getting Cancer when I did, was that now I may not be able to make it into the New York Marathon.  You see, prior to Cancer, I had qualified for and completed the Boston Marathon.  I had run a 50k trail race and done well in several other trail races.  My next plans were to run a fast ½ marathon in order to qualify myself for guaranteed entry into the NY Marathon (which was the last Marathon I really had the desire to run) with the 3M marathon in January. After that I was going to run the 50 miler in March.  This was to happen in Jan-March 2011.   During cancer treatment (which ended up what happened instead) when I was running, I always had in the back of my mind the 50 mile trail race.  Many days that thought is what kept me going.  When I got back into training again in August/September 2011, I kept my focus on the trail race and decided that this is what I should do because this is what is driving me, AND…I don’t have to worry about running FAST.  Even when I first approached my road coach John Schrup with my 50 mile plan, he said he could support that, based on the same thinking….I would’t have to run fast, or anything. 

Now, I’m mentioning this to Neidra, how I’m a bit disappointed that now I may not ever be able to qualify for New York because they are going to change the qualifying times to be much faster….To be beyond my likely achievable zone.  Her response was…”well, couldn’t you get a Rain Check or something?” I liked that idea very much, and have played it out in my head several times since….

Dear ING NYC Marathon,

I was scheduled to qualify for your marathon in Jan 2011, but got cancer, and did treatment instead.  I feel sure that I would have qualified at that time because I needed to run a 1:44, and I had previously run a 1:48 during a training run, without actually racing.  I hear now that the qualifying times for my age/gender will be changed to 1:30 which is likely beyond my ability.  A friend of mine mentioned that you might be able to give me a rain check for the 1:44 time, so I thought I’d ask. 

Sincerely,

Emily H.

One of the difficult things about this is that there is still actually a very small, untimely, window of opportunity.  I could still qualify if I ran the 1:44 by 1/31/12.  There is a fast half marathon in Austin on 1/29/12.

The problem is, I’ve been running trail 4/5 days per week, and running slow for the most part.  

Grist State Park Alabama

 My primary goal is still the 50 miler and I’m supposed to run 35 miles the day before the mentioned half marathon race and 15 miles the day of the race.  But….could I squeeze this qualifying time in? without getting injured? and without derailing my primary running goal?.... if the rain check idea doesn’t pan out?

4 hour 20 minute trail run in the rain completed last weekend.

15 mile trail race/training run this weekend.

Twins

Twins

One thing I’ve enjoyed over the years about my job as a Physical Therapist has been getting to hear stories about people’s lives. This story recently really touched me.   The patient that I was working with was an 80 year old woman.  She was telling me about her life and that she had had 6 children.  She mentioned that she had only been pregnant 5 times, though, because the first pregnancy was twins, a boy and a girl.  She went on to say that the twins were dead now.  I did ask what had happened.  (Being that they were twins, one almost automatically begins to expect that they died from the same thing.)   My patient began with her daughter’s death.  She said…”My daughter had the breast cancer.  She had the mastectomy and the treatments, and she was doing very well for 2 or 3 years, but then it came back and got her.”  This story, as you can imagine, hit very close to home and really had me a bit freaked out for some time.  I did go on to inquire about her son.  She said…”He was killed in a car accident”.    I found myself putting myself in the shoes of each of these twins.  I felt what i thought would be their fear.  It was similar, yet different.  I found myself trying to figure out which twin I would have rather been.  Which death I would have chosen for myself?   I’ve since, come to no answer.  Honestly, neither is a pleasant thought.  The best I could do was come up with some pros and cons to each.  The major pro for the female twin was that she had had some warning of her potential fatality.  She possibly had a few years of knowing that life is short, and she may have taken that opportunity to live her life to the fullest. She also, later, had some time to say her goodbyes to family and friends and to let them know how much she loved them.  Potential cons being that she likely lived with some serious sadness and fear, as she knew that it would all eventually be coming to an end.  The male twin, on the contrary, may not have had the knowledge of his own mortality. He did not have the chance to say his goodbyes, yet was spared the sadness of seeing his own life fade.  He very possibly, however, had learned important lessons of living life through his twin’s experience.

I don’t really know why I spent so much time trying to decide which would be better or worse.   I do not usually sit around thinking about how I'd like to go.  I’m fighting to live, here.  I guess that my final thought is that any of us could find ourselves in the exact same shoes as either twin.  I even know of one person who recently had shoes of each.  A sister-in-law of one of my good friends had recently won her battle against breast cancer, and then was killed in an automobile accident.  

“The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.”           Carl Jung

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life.  A man (woman) who lives fully is prepared to die any time.”    Mark Twain.

Here’s to living life to each life’s fullest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD1O2K6B30U

Nueces: I'm very excited.

Teenage Fanclub

Do you know what Teenage Fanclub and Trail Running have in Common?

They’re slow and awesome, and they'll rock you to the core.

This week's runs have given new meaning to the terms...

Solo Trail Run…

Group Trail Run….

"I'll take this chance to tell my friends what I'm thinkin' of....on second thought, I'll think some more and tell you lady luck."

Teenage Fanclub   (December)

Radiation #20 out of 33: Segway

Me in the waiting room at Radiation

I need to correct something I said on my last post about the “Bolus” treatment.  It’s still a bit unclear, and I should probably be more diligent about clarification, but part of me likes my recent method of ignoring this portion of the treatment.  Anyway, apparently, what I was doing before this current phase of the radiation WAS the bolus.  They were putting a ¾ inch rubber pad on my chest over the radiated area for about ½ of the zaps.  I believe it was that rubber that made me feel the weird menthol cigarette feeling in my lungs and throat because I’m not feeling it now. The Radiation oncologist mentioned that the rubber pad brought the treatment closer to the skin because it added thickness.  So, now, they’ve removed the pad and they are doing a very similar treatment without the pad.  (You know, I lay down on the bench in my mold, they line me up with the tatts then the giant “C” arm moves around and zaps me from different angles.  First zap 17 seconds, etc. ) Apparently without the safety of the rubber pad, it is a bit MORE intense. So, what they were doing the day of my last post was setting me up for the narrowed treatment around the scar which will begin basically once the skin everywhere else can no longer handle the radiation, and it needs a break.  So, they’ve calculated the tangents and set up a different machine to complete this narrowed treatment, but it will happen only when, or if, the rest of the skin can no longer handle this intense treatment.  The radiation tech said that the best case scenario is that they can complete this intense treatment throughout the remainder of the treatments and not have to do the narrowed treatment/not have to give the rest of the skin a break.  It often gets very confusing for me because they will say the skin looks very “good”.  Sometimes they mean it is nice and red/burnt like they like it, and sometimes they mean that it looks good/it looks healthy…it can handle more.  Maybe tomorrow I will ask what will happen at the end if the skin never gets as red as they want.  I remember reading my online friend Heather’s blog that said they made her do extra treatments at the end.  I hope this is not the plan for me.  If so, maybe I need to be less diligent about my skin care.

Overall I’m still having some good days and then some days of severe fatigue. My blood counts have gone down since the last 3 week Herceptin chemo due to the radiation.   I’m stretching my arm diligently, and I’m seeing some improvement, however it is still very tight. Now there is some pain in the area of the radiation deep and superficially.  I did enjoy my short Cancer Holiday. It gave me a small window into the not so distant future of what it might be like to have a life without cancer or cancer treatment.  

Here I am in the shade laying out by our pool.

Here i am sporting my radiation tan, and...can you tell which one is real? Guys can't.

I tagged along with Richie to the Mall one day, and, as I was making fun of the Mall Cop on her Segway, (picturing myself taking a random item off of a shelf right in front of her, and walking very slowly away as the cop was chasing me…. me encouraging her to “maybe lean into it a bit”, etc….) it got me thinking about Segues in general, and how Segue between events seems to be quite important to me.  *YOU KNOW I WISH I HAD a PHOTO of ME on a SEGWAY!!!   I thought my “Words With Friends” rally was a genius segue between Chemo and Surgery. (Still playing, by the way. Powerhowell) Now, I’m thinking, a 50 mile trail run between radiation and the next surgery/reconstruction.   

But, what about a segue between writing a blog about cancer into writing about something else? Will I continue to blog or write?  About what?   Trail running?  Maybe.  Hmm….. “Homely” (“Trail Runner”) cancer survivor jogs really slowly for a really long time, over dirt and rocks.  Enjoys every step.   I kinda like it.

Oh yea, Ellen has not contacted me yet.  I thougt it was very cool , however, that in a recent email from my cousin (who just graduated from Medical School-Congratulations again Brayden!) he asked me if i knew about when I would hear back from Ellen.  I'm thinking maybe by the end of next week. :).   It probably wouldn't hurt though, if a few more of  you reminded her by posting a link to this blog on her The Ellen Degeneres SHOW facebook PAGE.  It's the one with over 5 million "likes".   I'll let you know if i hear anything!

Phase II Round 9: The Downtube Shift

Phase II  Round 9: The Downtube Shift

It’s funny to me, that yesterday, when i told my friend Cindy R. that my blog page was up and running, she said ... “You know I was going to ask you early on if you would consider a blog, but figured that you would... I interrupted, and said... “That I would find it stupid or dorky”....Ahh you know me too well. J  See, this is the kind of thing that Cancer, and all if the bullshit that goes along with the treatment, will force one into. I mean, allow one opportunity for change.

It IS true that I have not been a big fan of the word blog.  In my mind it's always been blahg.  As in blah blah blahg.  Not far from Seinfeld’s yadda, yadda, yadda.  You know, the unnecessary crap, in-between the actual points.  The stuff one would just as soon skip over.

Possibly not unlike: the bloody nose that won’t quit, the decline of fine motor control, and the rise in bone pain, the painful toenails, and the thickening, curling fingernails,  the unreasonable intercourse, chronic bowel issues, and cracking earlobes,  the muscle spasms and severe fatigue,  and, the numbness in the feet and hands.   The crap that just IS, in between chemo treatments, doctor’s visits, and life.  I’m weak, I’m tired, and frankly, when my son reminded me this weekend… “Mom, we still have you”, and, as I was responding....”Please hold on tight Son, I’m gonna need it!,… I began to realize that I am a bit scared, that much more anxious, and would just as soon skip over this stuff all together.

Hence, the BLOG.   The physical construction/design of the blog page itself did help me through at least 12 full hours of ignoring this situation while pretending to focus directly upon it.  Now that I am an official blogger, I can admit that I have read a few blogs and enjoyed them.  Then again, I'm still not on Facebook, so my experience in snooping, electronically, into others' POSTED lives is somewhat limited compared to the average 21st century person.  I must also admit the thrill I experienced when my page clocked its 100th view.  Even though it was by me, and likely at least 50 or so of the other hits were me, as well. 

Today is the 9^th round of the (T-H).  Only three to go.  I can see a flicker at the end of the tunnel.

Yesterday I had a consult with a plastic surgeon Ned Snyder, M.D. to discuss reconstruction after bilateral mastectomy.  I mentioned last week, the D.I.E.P. reconstruction surgery that I was interested in. They use the fat and skin from the abdomen and shift it upward to form breast mounds. They do not cut or move any muscles. 

http://www.snyderma.com/Breast.htm 

Dr. Snyder is one of, I believe, 3 people in Austin who perform this surgery.  The consult was overwhelming, yet entertaining.  I was impressed by the doctor.  Doctor Ned Snyder and his wife Renee have their practice together.  She is a dermatologist, and he is a plastic surgeon.  I’d been to their office before to see Renee and was very impressed by her.  She’s not only nice, and smart, and naturally beautiful, but I must say she had a nice figure.   Richie had referred me there after he had a surgical removal of skin cancer on his face.  He liked Ned. “That guy has his shit together”.  Richie thought that I ought to check to see if Ned did this surgery. “Did you notice how beautiful his wife was?”  Even before I was able to check it out, the Nurse Practioner had given me a list of recommended Plastics guys with Dr. Snyder’s name on it, so I went ahead and made an appointment for a consult.  Like I said, I liked him.  Maybe it was because, when I disrobed for the exam, he said, “oh, you are pretty thin”.  J You know me, I immediately thought, “This guy really knows how to flatter a girl”.  Then he said, “You have “D” Cups, but you have a “B” belly.” 

Really? 

Initially, I thought this was another compliment, and further attempt to inveigle me to become his patient.  But then, I realized that really there should not be a cup size on the Downtube.  The long of the short of all of this is that, while I do have a cup size where one shouldn’t, it is not quite enough to fill the cups that Richie was hoping for.  So, I said, “But what about all this stuff on the side and back??”  Apparently they can’t use that right away for some reason, but after 6-8 weeks they might be able to suck some of that out and inject it where we want it.  I’m really unclear on how that works, or if it is a temporary fix.  To me, it seems that if that worked, that would eliminate the need for implant augmentation, for everyone, but the thinnest people. 

While I have the infusion today, I have my appointment with Dr. Sandbach, the Oncologist, tomorrow due to his schedule.  I’m hoping to begin work on a plan for the timeframe of the surgery, etc.  At this point it is looking like end of March, or beginning of April.

This week was not all bad.  I did get to go out to see a trail that I have wanted to see since I heard about it back in August, just before my diagnosis. It’s out off of 2222.  It’s been called The Stairway to Hell.  While the stairs were a challenge, the view at the top, or near the top, was beautiful. I also I enjoyed jogging and talking with a couple of Tejas Trails women, Alicia and Diana, that I had not run with before.  On Sunday, Richie and I took Adaline and Ace down to the Greenbelt near our house.  It was a beautiful day.  Ace proceeded to jog, yes actual jog, for at least 10 minutes.  He was pacing himself like a champ.  It was so cute.  He even tripped over a rock once and I reminded him to lift his feet, and he did.

Phase II (T-H) Round 7 and 8 Yoga?

Phase II: Round 7 and 8

Well, I did it.  I’ve signed up for Yoga.  A mere 3 yoga sessions ago I might have considered this somewhat of a failure, despite the fact that I have always believed yoga to be a good idea for other people.   My first session, just prior to the panic attack that did ensue after the 3^rd or 4^th Gong (which I believed must signify the letting out of class) I have to admit that I did actually achieve a more relaxed feeling (while being still, and outside of sleeping) than I can remember experiencing in years.  It took me a few weeks, a few mind games, and that one drop of water from my friend Cindy S. to get me back to that second class.  The mind games included convincing me that I can count this yoga once a week as my 5^th day of exercise -even though I do not really consider it exercise.  A “Bonus” if you will.  Now, after the third session, which was a more advanced class, I’ve regained my ability to do a headstand, which is pretty exciting for me.  You, and my good friend Chuck, may be thinking that that is just silly, unnecessary, and bordering on dangerous at this time in my life.  I would actually agree, again, for other people.  But, if you know me and my genetic makeup, you might be aware there are a few things that I am simply compelled to do.   These are: to be suspended in air, like with jumping very high and flying, and to be upside down.   As a kid I spent hours laying upside down on the stairwell, and as a teenager, upside down in a handstand often during basketball practice, and in the locker room before games.  I remember many times the coach getting on to me for that, because it just seemed odd to him, and I’m sure others.   I believe that the desire to fly is one reason I love trail running.  Running down those hills is very much like flying.  

As you can probably tell from my rambling about Yoga, this week was a better week for me.   I got that “5^th”day of exercise, I was able to run almost 8 miles this morning, (which is the most I’ve done for a few months) and the chemo side effects have seemed a bit less this week.  I’ve almost organized my medical bills from 2010 and I’ve almost mastered the ability to format a blog page BallotableRecords.blogspot.com.  Still a work in progress. 

 One of my trail running buddies completed his first 50 miler this past weekend, which I love hearing. Thanks David J. for your help with the blog, and for completing that 50 miler! Our good friends Chad and Eve (and Jason) completed their EP and CD release while also raising a 15 month old-impressive.  A new friend of Derek’s (my Stepfather), found out his brain tumor was benign, soon after Derek himself found out that he did NOT have prostate Cancer, even though it does run in his family.  And, we were able to have a Super bowl Party with friends, to celebrate the end of that season, John and Jenn’s Superversiary, and the perfection that is a football shaped cake ball with yellow cake and chocolate icing, dipped in chocolate and placed on a stick.  J

 I’ve learned a bit more about breast re-construction plastic surgery and I’m getting closer to choosing a surgeon.  After today, I have only 4 rounds of this Taxol-Herceptin left.  Then, I get a 2-3 week break, to get blood counts back up, and then surgery.  The great news is that there is a new procedure that actually takes…. get this……FAT from the abdomen…YES, MY ABDOMEN, and uses that to mold a breast mound! GENIOUS! So Richie, WE just MIGHT be looking at Ds again!!

Also, the day that I’m sure many of you, and even myself, were somewhat expecting, did come today.  That being the day that I would pull the cancer card/comment inappropriately. Fortunately, it was not too painful or too difficult to recover.  Here’s how it went.  The nice young nurse technician, after weighing me, began talking about weight.  She mentioned that if she could just get all of the stuff off the front, she would be doing alright.   I, as you might suspect, said; “well, you could just get breast cancer and then that would take care of that”.  She went on to tell me that her likelihood of getting breast cancer was very good because her grandmother died from it, and her mother who is in her 40s is currently on hospice.  I did immediately let her know that I was sorry to hear that, and recommended that she get checked often and routinely. She stated that she was BRCA (-)…The genetic test for Breast cancer.   But, then again, so was her mother.  I again let her know that I was sorry to hear that and hoped the best for her.  She said that she did not really know her mother well, so it was not too difficult for her to deal with, and on the positive side of things, she has gained the ability to feel free to live her life to the fullest every day due to her family history. I said, “As we all should”, and I put my card away.

                                                                                    

Emily

2/8/11