Tit for Tatt

 It’s been a strange, challenging, yet surprisingly decent 2 weeks.

The week before Easter, my boss called me to let me know that the therapy clinic I work(ed) in is being closed and that there may be another position in the same company available when I return.  Anyway, because I had agreed to the practice of a “mope-free” weekend, I tried very hard not think about it much. I was mostly successful. It only woke me up a couple times at night.  Luckily, my health insurance is through Richie’s job, so at least I did not have that to worry about.  Despite this, I managed to have a very relaxing weekend and a nice Easter with the family/kids.  The swelling in the mastectomy site was also appearing to slow a bit after the last aspiration on Wednesday, which also kept my spirits up.

On Tuesday, in the morning, I went to my every three week oncologist visit where my Doctor proceeded to mis-dictate my history AGAIN, and then had the triple dose Herceptin chemotherapy.  I got a very nice nurse this time, who, when I mentioned how lethargic and stiff I’d been, actually recommended exercise! And then she asked me if I had any kind of exercise that I liked to do J.  Of course I got a huge kick out of this and took it as an invitation to tell her all about myself and my activities prior to cancer, and my goals to return to some form of runner/exercise addict again. 

In the afternoon, I went to see the Radiation Oncologist for the pre-radiation visit and simulation.  After listening to my troubles with the drainage, hearing about my general lethargy, seeing the extreme tightness and weakness in my arm and shoulder, (particularly the pecs, lats, serratus anterior, and triceps) hearing about my inability to yet use that arm to lift my own immobile daughter, and considering my potential to develop lymphedema, and the fact that I’m going to start daily radiation next week, the radiation oncologist decided that I should not return to work until sometime after radiation, in order to allow time to heal my arm, not risk further physical breakdown during radiation, and allow further physical recovery.  I agreed with his recommendation.  I feel very relieved and thankful that I will have this time to focus on radiation and further recovery for my arm and for my blood counts. 

The Tatt is the greyish one second from the top.

After the visit with the Radiation Oncologist I proceeded to the radiation simulation room.  It was fairly interesting.  Basically I had to lie down in a CT scan machine, on a bag looking pillow that puffed up and got hard, making a mold of my body, in the planned radiation position: Arms above head (best I could…this was pretty painful due to the severely tight shoulder) and facing away from the radiated breast.  Then I had to just lie still in the mold as i went in and out of the CT scan machine several times. Once that was over, the nurse gave me three single point tattoos on my abdomen: One in the center between the ribs, and one on each side over the ribs. These marks are used to line me up exactly the same way for each radiation treatment.  The one in the middle really hurt. The ones on the side were not fun, but not as bad.  It did make me realize, once again, that I’m glad I never went through with that plan I had my freshman year in college.  I’d likely be sitting here now with half an Aztec arm band!    

On Wednesday, I began the stretching of the arm/shoulder. The serratus is very weak and the whole chest, back and shoulder girdle are very weak and tight! Especially the Pecs! The fascia in the whole area is also very adhered and painful. The stretching is quite painful, but also feels sort of good in a way.

On Friday, I had the opportunity to cheer up a random stranger in a coffee shop. We got to talking because we had both been to see the Kindergarten choir show the day before.  I mentioned that my daughter was the one on the front left that the teacher was holding, and helping move her arms. 

Then, after talking with me for about 20 minutes, hearing about Adaline’s disability, my cancer/treatment/surgery, and my recent job situation, I think that he felt more confident, that with his health and his otherwise fortunate life, he could get through his current divorce.   It was kinda funny for me though, because, before he had heard my story, I heard him saying that he had been wondering “why me”?  I almost chuckled when I heard him say it, but didn’t out of respect.  Later in the conversation I told him that I almost chuckled when he said it, even though i do not think that losing a spouse or home to divorce is funny.  On the contrary, i feel very fortunate to have my family and my home.  He told me that after I told my story, he had thought to himself “what had this girl done in her last life to deserve all this?” By the end of the conversation, I was pointing out that you just can’t always assume that someone or something made this happen to you for a reason. I do believe that good things can come out of bad situations, but I just cannot believe that someone is trying to teach me a lesson.  If so, then I am either a total idiot, or one of the most educated persons I know. 

Sunday was my 41^st Birthday.  The first thing I said to Richie in the morning was…"Yes, I do feel older today, if you were wondering".  Since the chemotherapy, and even more so since the surgery and the immobility that followed, I’ve begun to feel much older than I used to.  It is difficult for me get going after I sit for any length of time.  My hips are very stiff, and of course I have limited use of my arm.  Also, since the taxol, I still have impaired fine motor skills and I’m constantly dropping my utensils, and have difficulty untieing my shoes. Oh yeah, and i'm sure that my body fat % has skyrocketed.  If i was allowed to swim, i'd likely not even need to hold my breath to float.   Like this guy.

Photo from Dolphin Talk newspaper.

I think that prior to cancer I was a 40 year old living in a “thirty-something” (early thirties :) body due to my fitness.  Now, it’s like, due to all of this treatment and time off from exercise there has been a time warp and I’ve landed somewhere in my mid-forties. BAM!  Like that.  I didn’t ease into it like most others so I think it hurts that much worse!  With that said, this is my warning to those of you who do exercise.  DO NOT STOP. J Oh yea, and try not to get Cancer.

Radiation, 5 days a week for 6.5 weeks begins tomorrow.