More Than a Woman

58 hours. Or, approximately 2.5 days until I'll be standing at the starting line of of this race that has consumed me, or filled in any spare mental space, for the better part of the past 7 months. Hopefully, I'll be standing there well rested and feeling good.  Hopefully my recent setback of left leg problems will not interfere. Hopefully.

The past 2 weeks has been an interesting and somewhat insightful time for me.  Taper madness is a common thing amongst athletes who have been intensly training and then back off in order to rest for their race. This has defintely entered my situation.

check out this crazy tape job.  yes that is my leg.

I think,  also,  that since I've done an EXTREME taper, I've had even extra time to think about things, and relax a bit, and it's been a good thing.  I've had a bit of time to sort of do a little travel down memory lane. This trip started with a visit to my old gym near our old pink house on the East Side.  We lived there for 10 years and moved out when Ace was 1 and a half.  I loved that house and the location, but we moved out for more space, more yard, better schools, and quieter night sleep.  That house was right next to The University.  I was at the gym in order to attempt some exercise on Sunday, the day after my last post where I was sitting on my couch, opting out of my 15 mile run.  I realized I was still not ready to attempt running, and the only thing I could think of was to attempt aquajogging.  Well, once I AquaFlogged around for about 25 minutes while some creepy old guy was standing in the hot tub staring at my one boob, I decided I'd had enough of that.  This reminded me how I really hated aquajogging. This experience proved to be the opposite of trail running.  It also reminded me in no uncertain terms, that have one breast, and I do not like that, either.  Especially in a bathing suite.   I followed my "work out" with a visit to my old neighborhood coffee shop that I used to love. I had spent many an hour pushing either Adaline, or Ace, or both in a jogging stroller to visit this place...  Cherrywood Coffee House.  I had just enough time to get my coffee and read the latest post on Some Girls Prefer Carnations Blog.  Heather, the author, mentioned that she had recently completed reading a book called "No Less a Woman" which discussed topics of Breast Reconstruction and why or why not women would want to have it done.  I was seconds away from ordering the book online when it occurred to me that this book might  not apply to me because I never really thought of myself as a woman before cancer.  Really.  So  how could the fact that having one breast be threatening my womanhood? The answer is, it's not. I realized immediately that, if anything, I am definately Much MORE of a WOMAN now than I ever was before.   I'd like to think maybe even ... "More Than a Woman", as was so eloquently sung by the Bee Gees back in the late 70's for the album and movie Saturday Night Fever. 



Since we're going down memory lane. 

Please do not take me wrong.  I am not making fun of this book, and I am still interested in reading it. And, just the mention of the book itself has already been helpful to me.
Next stop was an attempt at trail jogging on Tuesday morning.  I skipped my Tuesday Rogue Run for the first time in?? maybe 6 months, so it got me thinking about that, and what an impact that has made in my life over the past year and a half.

My attempt at trail running did not go so well.  It turned into a walk jog, but it was a very nice morning.  It had been raining here and the Barton Creek had water down to the 360 entrance and beyond for the first time in over a year.  This reminded me of my training 2 years ago when the creek was full the whole training season.   It also gave me time to remember my return to attempting to walk jog after my surgery.

My next stop was a  visit to the YMCA for more aquajogging. This time with my training partner and friend Lisa who is also struggling with a leg irritation herself.  (Otherwise why in the Hell would she be aquajogging?)  This stop helped me realize once again, how much friendship plays a role in a person's ability to complete difficult tasks, and difficult life situations, and even make them enjoyable.  60 minute aquajog completed :) 

Lisa and me outside Hill of Life after surgery.

My Saturday attempt at a long run of 8 miles went O.K. regarding the leg. Some foot issues, but not really much worse.  More importantly, I enjoyed every minute of the time out on the trail.  I started later than usual (Than EVER really) due to the fact that i had gone out the night before to see Downtube Shifter ROCK the Carousel lounge.  I also got to run with my friend Cindy again.  This run really brought things full circle for me.  Cindy had been there with me at the start.  As I was scraping my way back to the trail during chemotherapy. And again after surgery and radiation.

I was weak and bald, and it was oh so dry and hot.

Me and Cindy during Chemo

And again after surgery.

Me at Hill of Life After Surgery

Now, my hair is out of control and the water was in the creek in places she'd never seen it.  It was like we were kids out exploring an area for the first time, despite the fact that i've logged literally hundreds of miles there.

Me last this past weekend at Barton Creek

During our run we ran into Lisa and Jack, the two people I've done the bulk of this training season with.  This was the perfect place for us all to reunite, discuss the race a bit and  have some laughs about our own selves.

Me, Jack, Lisa

 "This Fanny Pack is SaWeet!"  Only a trail runner would say that, Jack!



The next week I found myself back in another one of my old neighborhoods, and now aquajogging at the crack of dawn outside at this outdoor pool that I used to walk across the street to go swimming in.

I found myself actually "enjoying" this aquajog.
This new affinity for aquajogging, and this.. "sign"...,

 I've taken as proof that people, and things, can change, or improve in a matter of days.

Spring is now in the air here.  Richie's band Downtube Shifter just secured a show during the South By Southwest Music Festival on Saturday night at 6:00.  You know me....This reminded me of last year's SXSW show and how all my friends came out wearing Tube Tops to support DownTube Shifter and to support me on the eve of my first Mastectomy. 

SXSW 2010 TubeTop Extravaganza

Richie March 2012

If you are good at puzzles, you've probably already figured out where I'm going with all this.  I've just gotten off of the phone with the nurse for the plastic surgeon.  She is working on scheduling my left mastectomy and bilateral reconstruction.  This surgery will be planned for sometime in the first half of April, on a date that both the regular surgeon, and the plastic surgeon can get together at a hospital that we can all agree on.  It has already been scheduled once, with my old surgeon, who I actually do like very much.  He wouldn't,  or couldn't go to the more preferred hospital, so now i'm choosing to change surgeons and have the surgery performed at a different hospital. 

I'll end with the fact that this taper has also given me the opportunity to spend some more fun time with the family.  I know I've mentioned it before, but I have super cute kids:

I don't know where he gets it.

I would say wish me Luck, but it is clear that I already have it. :)

Recovery Week

Recovery has new meaning. 

Time is such an interesting thing really.  16 months of Cancer Treatment and Recovery, then suddenly I'm living life again, running, and having to recover from that.  Let me re-type...Getting.... to recover from that!  Running is something that I originally took up pretty much after Adaline was born as a stress reliever and a social outlet that could happen early in the morning.  (Adaline woke up at 5:50 a.m. without fail for about 3 years in a row so we were already conditioned for that.) After she was born, my exercise outlet/addiction started with Cycling.  Ironically, I switched over to running because it was LESS time consuming! :).

Well, here I am now, in a recovery week of my choice.  I had 2 high mileage weeks in a row including one 40 mile trail run, with little physical issue....UNTIL...the end of that 2 weeks.  No specific cause other than the cumulation of miles and of hill work.  I think that my body just reached it's maximum physical tolerance with what I currently have to work with, and it decided to rebel.  So here I am in recovery week, actuallly having to recover from a setback.  It started with a little ache in my foot then some (different) nerve tingling in my foot.  Now it is a variety of muscle spasms, cramps, and pains throughout the left leg and foot and some in my left hamstrings and piriformis.   I, of course completed my 20 mile run last Saturday knowing that the initial ache in the foot existed.  Some folks might say, well why would you go ahead and run the 20 miler and here's what i'll tell you....Some of it IS indeed due to the fact that there is a certain amount of obsessivity that goes along with being in an ultrarunning situation.  There is also a very strong focus on an end goal and a plan that gets you there.  The OTHER thing that some  might realize about me is that like many older people and probably many other athletes, I am actually constantly managing pains and spasms.  My feet and legs could be compared to a circus in many ways.  Managing the muscle spasms due to Multiple Sclerosis is like balancing on a high wire, and juggling balls at the same time.  A very careful balance of hydration, healthy fat intake, exercise, and stress and anxiety management (which unfortuntely must also be managed while minimizing alcohol intake). Believe it or not, sometimes the hardest of hill work outs actually relaxes the muscles at night allowing the best sleep.  An example of these spasms?  OK.  At night mostly, when I do finally sit down on the couch at around 8:00 with the family for snuggle time, I am mostly uncomfortable the whole time because my legs will not sit still. They are jumping and cramping. It is a bit like Restless Leg Syndrome, I imagine.  I have to posture myself in ways in order to keep them as settled as possible.  I often have to contort them and put pressure on them in specific areas so that they will not kick or jump.  This is often difficult to do when there is a 3 year old climbing on your head, but that is a different issue. It is not comfortable.  Sometimes these spasms can actually cause a slightly strained muscle.  If there is an actual muscle strain due to injury present...the spasms are all the much worse.  All of the muscles around the injury go into hyper mode.  I believe this is a normal proctecive mechanism that our bodies perform, however mine are in hyperdrive, or uncontrolled.

This all going on prior to cancer.  Enter chemotherapy, mastectomy and radiation and the 3rd ring of the circus is added.  Additional numbness in toes and fingers and a severely tight right upper quadrant are a bit like managing the constant threat of the tiger. One can never let the gaurd down on that or the tightness of the "beef jerky" muscles take on a life of their own.

The point of all this being that, in my defense, I'm so very accustomed to managing this kind of thing on a daily basis that it at makes it difficult for me to know when the full on cascade of pain spasm pain spasm.... will begin.  This is one of those times.  So here I am...blogging instead of running the 15 miles on my schedule....sitting on my couch for the first time on a Saturday morning that I can remember since?  at least sometime during radiation.

The good thing about this recovery week is that, while it does cause me some anxiety about the possible difficuly it could cause me during my "A" race, I still feel pretty happy.  It is currently 55 degrees out and raining.  A perfect day to NOT be out running.  And I'm getting to spend some quality time with the family....

And I'm having a few extra moments to think about what happens next.
 
I've decided NOT to remove the PORT until after the race.  
Funny things happen when one of your training partners happens to be a psychologist!

Was it meant to be that when I sat on the toilet this morning I looked down and saw the Lululemon Bag that that is covered in quotes (that my friend had given me a gift in) and I noticed the quote...

"Life is full of Setbacks.  Success is determined on how you handle setbacks. "

Hmm. 

I will rest today and watch the rain.  I will feel good tomorrow  :)
14 days until 50 miler.

Snowball's Chance in Hell

A Snowball's chance in Hell is what I was endearingly calling my chances of achieving my somewhat unrealistic...or possibly more accurately, UNTIMELY goal of 1:44:00 at the 3M half.  Untimely not only in that 7:54 pace is very fast for me, but untimely in that this "last chance" opportunity landed right smack dab in the middle of my distance training.  I wanted to have my Cake and Eat it too.  I wanted to continue my training for the 50 mile trail race and go ahead and try to race 13.1 miles on the road 7 days after running 35 miles.  Oh yes, this race also falling the week after my highest total mileage week of my life.  In my heart of hearts I knew my odds were similar to the snowball above, however, I still had hope....I felt that if the snowball was packed tight enough it might just have a chance.  Funny, huh? I remember once a year ago someone at work on the business end of things made the statement...Hope is not a strategy.  I remember at the time standing there with my bald head thinking that that was kind of rude to say that in my presence.  Anyway, it is clear to me now that since surviving Cancer and Cancer Treatment, that I believe it is.

Needless to say, I was not rested for the race, and indeed did not feel rested during the race. 
This is pretty much how I felt for the most part of the race:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNwwzmpbgDQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player.

My friend Lisa who was attempting to keep me on pace was sort of like the rope.
I ended up with a time of exactly 1:47:00.  Exactly 3 minutes slower than the time I needed to qualify for the New York Marathon.  Despite being significantly off of the qualifying time I was still happy I did the race.  This time was still my fastest half marathon, and I do think it was a good work out. I'm mean hey, I ran 13 miles without stopping, walking, or eating a sandwich!

With the half marathon over, it was then time to move on and return focus on bringing the miles back up for the next week and completing my 40 mile run which would be my longest training run for this training.  On my last blog I began to elude to some of the issues that being an ultrarunner can cause in a persons life and family.  I attached a utube video called "I'm an Ultrarunner".  Turns out very few people looked at the video which i thought was hilarioius.  At that time I did not mention that when I showed the video to my husband, he actually thought I wrote the thing.  I did not write that one, but it got me thinking. On the video "I'm an ultrarunner", the problem that the main character is having, is finding time to have breakfast with a girlfriend.   My friend and training buddy Lisa and began laughing at some of the even more ridiculous intimate problems that doing all this running and at the same time having a family can cause....and out of that I ended up making this video.  Please do not feel sorry for anyone.  This is funny.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/LWpTgBghGGo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>


http://m.youtube.com/?client=mv-google&rdm=20#/profile?user=powerhowell&v=LWpTgBghGGo&view=videos

Apologies for the lack of true links or embedding.  As you can see, i'm having to find all sorts of ways to trim time at this point.

This past week was back up to the big mileage.  I completed my 40 mile run.  My 2 training partners were there the whole time as they have been.  We lucked out greatly with the weather. It was supposed to be storming during the first half of the run, but instead the big storm ended just before we started at 4:30 a.m. and the temperatures were in the 50s-60s.   I had no major issues, other that feeling pretty tired starting aroung mile 17.5,  and getting somewhat emotional....near tears twice.  The first time when I started thinking about my friend Cindy who was taking my kids off my hands so I could rest after the run, and the second time when we jogged past a man hiking on the greenbelt with his special needs child.   I made it home before 2:00 and thank goodness I had planned for the kids to be off having fun with some friends.  Thanks Again CINDY R.!!  How will I ever re-pay you for all you've done for me and my family over the past 2 years!! 

This plan allowed me to actually take a nap and rejuvenate in order to have fun with my family later that evening.....AND to prepare for our annual Super Bowl Party the next day!  Am i Crazy? Well, i think that's been pretty clearly described.

Superbowl Party was great.  I'm not sure if UT won or not but we had some really Great Food and some really great company!

Football and Football helmet Cake Balls!! Yes, I said it...., Vanilla Beat Chocolate!

Me and my 2 Cindys

Adriane: Cakeballer Extraordinaire, and Jenn: Beetballer!

Now i cannot get this text off of  Caption, so i'm gonna wrap this up.  I've not made a decision regarding my port.  I will decide by the end of today.  The doc said i would really only have to not run for two days.  I forgot to ask him how long it would take for the incision to heal so now that's my hold up.  25 days until Nueces 50 miler.

I am an Ultrarunner

Well, I completed the Bandera 50K on Sat. Jan 7th.  My second official "Ultra" (short for UltraMarathon...that means it's longer than 26.2 miles).  Two years ago, almost exactly, i completed the exact same race.  Then i got cancer, did treatment, trained, then ran it again.  Last time I did the race it was my "A" race...which means that was my focus, i worked up to it and i tapered, or rested for it. 
Last time i ran a 6:09.  A good solid race effort.  The weather was perfect for me (very cold...12-44 degrees). Everything went very well.  I Placed 7th female and 2nd in my age. 
This time around, i decided about 10 days before the race that I would do it.  I did  not taper.  I ran 26 miles 7 days before the race on Saturday.  The weather was beautiful for a picnic, but not exactly perfect for an ultra trail run. (55-75 degrees).

This year i ran a time of 6:19.   I felt very happy with that time.  This year the race was also much larger.  I placed 12th female and 4th in my age group.

Both years I started and finished the race with my good friend Lisa.  A funny thing, though, because last time we trained very much together and we ran the whole race together.  This time, we've trained differently and were apart for much of the race, and still finished together.  I felt there was something symbolic about that...of course :).

No the shirts were actually NOT planned! :)

I remember when i first admitted that i was a "marathon runner."  It was after i'd run my second marathon and had qualified for Boston.  Always before that i would tell people i was not really a runner...just a person who ran sometimes.  This past week at work, it started to become common knowledge that i run A LOT.  People began asking and began to explain that i ran 31 miles the past weekend, and that i'm planning to run 35miles tomorrow.   One person asked.....31 miles? what is that??Called.   "It's an Ultramarathon".  (Even if, a "mini-ultra" in comparison to many other ultra events).  Then i found myself speaking aloud..."I'm an Ultrarunner.  Yikes! I've never said that before!
A few days later i was having a discussion with Lisa about the issues that being an ultra runner can cause... and she mentioned these UTube videos.  This is funny! You Simply must watch!

I am an Ultrarunner

If you like that, you must also check out on UTube "Training for an Ultramarathon", and "...I am a Marathon Runner. I am injured."


I've officially signed up for the Nueces 50 Miler on March 3rd. 

35 this Saturday
3M half marathon next weekend
40 miles the Saturday after...
Then begin to taper

With all that said, i've had a few strange things going on.  Hormonal Mostly.  The HOT Flashes have been horrible.  Possibly worse since i depleted my energy at the Bandera race, but not sure exactly.
I've been a bit panicked by this port, since #1 i wore the wrong  bra without a band aid over it and literally rubbed holes in my chest, and then i read on the Carnations Blog that the thing was supposed to be flushed now and then, and of course my Oncologist had not mentioned that...In his defense, he just said get it taken out.  I've delayed makin the appointment to take it out because it is unclear how many days i cannot run after the procedure.  It was 10 days after they put it in.

So...now i have an appointment with the surgeon on Monday to discuss taking out the port.
I suppose we will also talk about the plans for my second surgery.  Left mastectomy and reconstruction.  I've still made no absolute decisions, but have had some productive discussions with my husband that have helped.

In the Thick of It

Well I've now gone and done 2 things that were not exactly in my 50 mile training plan.  Two things that I am willing to mention, anyway. 
 

First, I signed up for the 3M 1/2 marathon which I will run on 1/29/12 for that last chance effort toward a NY marathon qualifier. And, speaking of “Last Chance”, now, I am also signed up for my beloved  Bandera 50K  trail race which is this weekend. (Note:  “Last Chance” is the name of the last rest stop at the end of the 50k race, 1/2 mile from the finish.  It would simply be silly for a person running the 50K to stop there, but I believe the history has to do with the 100k racers taking a shot of liquor, or something, there... silly trail runners J).

This past weekend on New Year’s Eve morning, I ran 26 miles.   I ran the 26 miles out at a park called McKinney Roughs with some good friends.  It was a beautiful day and couldn't have been a better way to wrap up this year. 

My Newest Running Buddy Jack, and myself, checking out the Map. But... check out the MOP.

My good friend Lisa on the Colorado River Bank with Steam.

Wow, have I come a long way this year!  Right now I would say that I'm truly "in the thick" of my running/training. This past week I ran my 26 mile long run, and a total of 54 for the week.  One year

ago at this exact time, I was in the thick of the chemotherapy.  Bald, weak and tired. Now I've got this huge alien sort of thick mop on my head and i'm getting physically pretty strong again.  

I’m running some long miles, and I’m physically able to have fun.   I remember last year taking a family trip to the coast around this time and I was actually afraid to go. I was afraid that I might drop Adaline while carrying her up or down the 16 steps to the house. I also knew that on days as full as a day at the coast could be with our 2 kids, I would get so worn out, that I would just feel like crying. 

We just got back from a 3 day trip to the coast. 

I thought this view was very cool because when i jogged up to it i literally could not tell where the ocean ended and the sky began. (Like in Forrest Gump).

I must have carried Adaline, who is at least 5 pounds heavier, up and down those 16 steps at least 5 times, lifted her on and off the boat, the bed, the chair, the car seat, and the floor, oh… 20 or so times and only once felt physically tired.   That was when I was idiotically attempting an 8 mile (+ 30 minutes of 2/1 fartlek) run, following a diet of fried fish and fried cream cheese jalapeños.) I did have one episode related to emotional fatigue when I over puréed one of Adaline’s meals to an indelible runny consistency.  But,  probably only someone who purees and feeds and cleans up puréed food containers 2-3 times a day for several years in a row, could really understand the upset that this could cause. (Jenn). Anyway, the point was that I felt great and had a great time, even if I do look sort of silly with the mop thing.  It’s funny that this trip is when I truly noticed the difference in my strength and energy levels, in life. 

For this weekends race, I am, once again, shooting for a good solid "race prep" run.  Race Prep for my “A” race, which is the  Nueces 50 Miler  on March 3rd. This weekend, at the 50K, I will try out some new race/running strategies and reassess some of the old.  I’m hoping to have fun and feel good.  I’m also hoping to be able to complete some sort of run on Sunday, and then slip seamlessly back into training, as usual on Tuesday, in order to continue my progression of fitness for the next 8 weeks.

For Your Entertainment... Introducing...   "Dancing Ace"....doing the "Bust and Freeze" to SAIL.

The Anticlimax

What a strange week.

I blew off my last echocardiogram because I figured what's the point.  And, my friend the Nurse Practitioner at the Oncology clinic said that I didn’t really have to do it.  I only had one more Herceptin treatment left, and we were going to go ahead and do it anyway.  Part of me wanted to see if my echo was actually any BETTER due to all the running I’ve been doing, but the larger part of me really just wanted to skip an appointment. I felt like I needed to make some kind of point or something. Feel rebellious, etc.  Anyway, I didn’t go.

I did my last (let’s hope anyway) Chemo (Herceptin) on Wednesday last week.  Again, like on the last day of my Radiation, I was sort of hoping that there would be confetti, or someone would ring that bell for me, or something. But, Alas, no one there seemed to know that it was my last treatment.  Nothing Happened. No Celebration. No Congratulations. Nothing.  I got poked, I got infused, and I did my usual best to ignore everything else going on in that room. I was on the phone and the computer, and I hardly even noticed the F------ harp player, but it WAS helpful that I was one row further away from her this time.  As I walked out, it was sort of like  s  l  o  w  motion as I passed that big brass bell on my left.  I’m not a shy person, and had I really felt deep down that the whole thing was over, I would have reached up and just RANG the () thing myself.  But…I didn’t.  I’m not sure if it was the fact that I knew I had to go back there the very next day to have the actual appointment with the oncologist, or the fact that I’ve still made no final decisions regarding the longevity of my left breast, made no plans for reconstruction, or the fact that I still have this port-a-cath imbedded in my left subclavian veins. But I just didn’t.  I just couldn’t, in full consciousness, ring that bell.  It would have been cool if someone else would have rung it, but, I just couldn’t do it myself.   Once I made it past the bell, I did, however, shed 2 tears as I walked out toward the stairwell.  I was not really clear on where the tears were coming from.  The last time I cried was July of this year (the last time I had a menstrual period) if you’re not counting the tears I shed 2 weeks ago as I got into my car to drive away from the trail race I did that weekend.  Those were tears of joy, though.  Tears of rejuvenation.  You know, the kind where you are sort of laughing and crying at the same time.  So, I really wasn’t counting that as crying. While one my think these tears I shed while walking out of the chemo room would have been of joy, or relief, they really didn’t feel that way.  Instead, during this slow motion scenario as I was walking out, I was experiencing a flashback of the last 16 months.  The infusions, the waiting, and the faces of the other patients.  I guess it was mixed emotion.  THAT, and as it turned out, a mere 2 days after the end of my Herceptin, I started my period again!  WOW! I thought that was over with!! I’ve been through hard core Menapause two times now and it is no fun.  In retrospect, I had noticed that my hot flashes were getting easier and farther apart.  Not really even waking me up.  I sort of thought that might be due to the fact that it’s been colder her, so I thought maybe I just wasn’t minding, or noticing them.  Well, I guess I’ll have to inform the doctor of this, but I’m thinking maybe it’s all part of the menopause. 

After meeting with the Oncologist for my “wrap up” appointment I really didn’t feel that much more resolve than I had prior to the appointment.  A summary of how that went: Wait in waiting room one hour.  Just about to get up to leave and the nurse came out to get me and said…”I was hoping you hadn’t left….the doctor is just getting back from vacation.  (At least the nurse knows me, I guess).   Once the doctor came in he began to dictate in front of me as he commonly does and he was saying something about how I’m continuing Herceptin.  I said NO, it was done yesterday.  We argued about it a bit, then he confirmed that yes, I was done.  He gave me a long spiel about Hi Tech vs. Low tech and Fatality rates with Breast Cancer in order to try to convince me for the 3^rd time that I DO NOT need any PET scans or further MRIs.  Maybe a chest x-ray, now and then.  He said that the patient ususally catches metastasis before the scans do, or "nearly" as soon :(.   Well,  let’s just hope I’m ON my CANCER game  a bit better than I was last time when I went in for the first time with a 7 centimeter tumor in my right breast.  He said that I can go get this Port out anytime, and that he would see me in four months.  We didn’t speak at all about the other side.  I know I’m not fully an optimist, but, I AM starting to think Conspiracy here.  Conspiracy between the Oncologist and the General Surgeon for me to keep this thing on the left despite initial recommendations to have it taken off too.    We’ll see though.  I’ll call the surgeon to make and appointment to discuss the port and the following surgery and reconstruction.  The reason I write this is in case anyone is reading this who has had breast cancer like mine where they initially recommend Bilateral Mastectomy due to aggressiveness of the cancer and due to young age.   Do NOT fall for the argument that you can remove the other breast during the reconstruction surgery.  When you have larger breasts, IT is really not cool to have one.  I won’t go into the details again.  I would have preferred to just have them both taken initially, as i thought was going to happen.  Remember, the general surgeon informed me only days before the surgery that we would wait to do the other side until the reconstruction happens.  I was not reconstructed at that time due to radiation.  I have, however, interviewed several of my therapy clients recently who have had single mastectomy with NO reconstruction and asked them how they have liked it.  They all say, it’s horrible to have one.  AND, a side note is that I’ve noted that many of them have moderate to severe scoliosis.  I don’t think it is a coincidence.  My chest, back and underarm are so tight it is affecting my right hip and groin.  This may be mostly due to the radiation though.  As my dermatologist said….As she was cutting a hole in my right thigh to rule out skin cancer…..Radiation makes the muscles “like beef jerky”.  She’s right.  So, I suppose I cannot blame all the tightness on the surgery alone.

Enough about that.  I’ve decided to attempt a medical free holiday and not make any appointments until after the New Year.  

As for running.  It is great.  Last week was my highest mileage week so far this time around.  47 miles and full of HILLS, HILLS, HILLs.  Long run was 21 miles trail with lots of HILLs.  This week is recovery week.  I’ll do my best not to gain much weight with Holiday Foods Galore.

This is the hairdo that happens when one is trying to hold down the wacky hair that does whatever it wants.

Next week 25 miles long trail run.

I wish everyone the Happiest and Healthiest of Holidays!

Lessons in Patience

One thing that I was pretty sure that cancer would not take from me was my patience.  Clicking off weeks and months of treatment and months and months of appointments, surgery and recovery, I often thought how this practice could help me become more patient as a person, and a more patient distance runner.  It takes patience to train for, and to run, long distances.    

Prior to cancer I was not really a fast runner.  My strengths as a runner were primarily that I was very patient, and very controlled, and “kind of strong” in general.  Some called it toughness. Whether it was physical or mental I'm not sure.  I was the queen of the perfect repeat, or of the negative split in workouts and many races.  I have many times relaxed and watched as competitors have run past me at mile 18 in order to pass them again at 25.  I’ve been able to control my pace to almost exact times.  I could follow a race plan to a “T”.  Once, I ran a marathon within 6 seconds of my goal time. Also, the average pace of the last 6 miles (of that marathon) was 1 minute faster than the first 20.  A negative split.  That was how I wanted it.  Partly because that's how I trained, and partly because when I had asked the head coach of my running group that time, Steve Sisson of Rogue, if a negative split marathon was possible and he said.. It's very difficult to do... but possible... it was then that I knew that negative splitting the marathon was what I needed to do.

During my cancer treatment I often tried to parallel treatment to distance/trail training in my mind.  It was something that gave me comfort due to the familiarity and the small feeling of control that it gave me.  Somehow, I could “pace” myself through it.  I also felt that if I couldn't train by running, at least I was going to be tuning and strengthening the important skills of patience and control.

Now, after over a year of this practice and 4 months of being back to running, I’m wondering… “Is it possible that, instead of tuning and strengthening my patience and control, I have used them up or let them go?”  Regarding control…I do know that this cancer treatment required me to “give in to THE METHOD” on more occasions than I was comfortable.  It did indeed require patience to continue for the 16 months I have endured, however, now I’m finding myself impatient and eager. I began to realize this about 6-8 weeks ago when I first started having some good runs.  After my warm up, or even before I was warm, I would find myself beginning to pick up the pace much earlier in the workout than I ever would have before. If I was doing repeats of something, like mile repeats, the 3rd or 4th repeat might be the fastest instead of the more desired last one.  This goes against everything that's always worked for me before in training.  I actually even used to lightly mock people like me who would run this way.  I've known it was happening and I've just let it.  I have NOT controlled myself.  I have given in to the temptation to run out of control.

This Saturday I ran a 25K trail race.  This weekend’s race was yet another lesson for me.  This race was supposed to be a training run for me. 

This was my RACE PLAN: Run the first 5 miles easy and then the last 10.5 miles at race pace and achieving a negative split overall.

Here’s how it went:

Mile 1: Too Fast.  *Fastest mile of My race,  but…. I’ll let that slide… everyone was fast. 

Mile 2: Too fast again.  Try to calm down. Try to follow plan…

Mile 3: Try to Pace….Try to be OK with letting these stupid Bitches pass me up this hill. They will pay later.

Mile 4: Running Balls Out! on the downhills!  Not patient! Not controlled…  But SO FUN!  I killed everyone near me for that next mile or two, that's for sure!  Really, I think that trying to keep up with me for those couple miles must have hurt some folks because I think only 1 guy passed me after that.  I did go on to pass maybe 9-10 people the rest of the race.  This all sounds kinda good, but, I kinda killed myself too.  AND I did not follow my plan...! I didn’t maintain control.

Around mile 6 I took some time to ease up and try to regroup and it helped some. It prevented a full on BONK, but some of the damage had been done. It was not going to be the negative split training run I had planned.

Pace and manage.  I don't know where this came from, but this was my mantra from mile 7-14.

At mile 14 I came up behind a woman who I had raced against, and beat, at the 20 miler that I won back in March 2010.  My Heyday J.  I was tired, but I had to catch and pass this person.  At this point this was a good thing for me. It gave me some focus.  Once I passed her, I was able to see the finish line and one person between me and the finish that looked like she could have been in my age group. There was about .5 miles to go.  I wasn’t sure if I had enough time to catch her, but I knew I would be angry at myself if she was in my category and I did not try.  So, I pretended that I heard my friends cheering for me, and I answered, for myself, a question that I had recently heard asked…Do you have something more to give?  And I passed her within 20 yards of the finish line.

Now that I think about it, it’s likely that this woman was just finishing her first loop of the 50K race that had started 30 minutes before my race….  (In the running world, this is probably pretty pathetic that I was trying to beat a girl in the race of twice the distance I was running. But hey, I didn’t know…and I could not take that chance anyway J). That last mile was my second fastest of my race.

Here I am holding my 2^nd place in age group award. 

 10^th female overall out of 36. 

Despite my disappointment that i did not follow my race plan,  I AM very happy with this.  This place is very similar to something I might have done just before cancer.  As a matter of fact, the last race that was put on by this group (Rogue) that I ran back in May 2010, I got 2^nd in my age group and 8^th female.  I know now that my body just wanted to see what it could do.  It was in a fight with my mind and this time I let it win.