progress

In spite of the fact that the food menu is limited, and they microwave, or steam, eggs, (for consumption) (if you know me, you know that I'm an egg snob, but you also must know that...) I LOVE the fact that the coffee shop that I frequent every Tuesday after my Rogue group run, does great foam on their Cappuccino, and is named progress.  I love how the big green sign is displayed right there, on the top of the edifice. Nothing fancy.  Just simple, regular, circular type letters...progress. 

I've mentioned before that my goal is Relentless Forward Progress.   At this point, I feel that I'm still working up to that.  I haven't quite achieved the Relentless part, and much of the time I'm still checking that I am indeed still moving forward.  However, there is Progress being made.   In the midst of all of this past week's RattleDown!  (this is my new call out for snakes on the trail....like...on your left....or, bike up :)) and my F****** Herceptin Treatment last Wednesday, I forgot to actually give an update. No, it was not the harpists fault this time.  I was simply in a grumpy mood, despite having a delightful trail run that morning.   

Areas of Progress over the past 10 days have included, but possibly not been limited to:

1. I had an actual conversation with my oncologist.  We, of course,  did not agree . I asked if i could have some EPO or some extra blood, or something to take care of this low RBC count once in for all, and all he said was...."don't even mention that here".....followed by, "Lance did the Tour with a RBC count of 10".  Really?  I need to look that up.  I find that hard to believe.  Anyway,  I thought it was odd that he mentioned Lance...I had not brought him up.  I just wanted the EPO. He told me my problem was not critical.  I did throw it out there that it could potentially become critical at mile 40 of the 50 mile race i had planned, and then he attempted, successfully, to sidetrack me with something about serum IRON.  I fell for it.  They tested my Iron Saturation or something, and it turns out it's fine, so I DO NOT get the special Iron treatment i was hoping for.  My problem is just not bad enough.  My RBCs did go up slightly this round, but i've been taking iron now for 3 weeks, and eating about 2x as much Red meat as i used to.  I think this part might have actually caused a slight setback due to the fact that this red meat plan convinced my mind on one or two occasions, to eat chicken fried steak, because it would be good for me.   

2.  I faced my 3rd motivation test and passed, pretty much with flying colors.  I'll be brief.
The first test, i already mentioned.  It was when my alarm did not go off and i still made it out to run 8 miles alone.  Second test: Run on Treadmill 5 miles when i DID NOT feel like it after a long day at work. Third Test: Run 11 miles on trail ALL BY MYSELF on tired legs, partly in the dark, and alongside multiple snakes, the day after i had chosen to ride my bike for 3.5 hours of hills.

3. I actually reached out to the medical profession for assistance with my severely tight chest/arm problem....and it's helping.   I've attended two sessions of Active Release Technique treatments and it pretty much hurts like HELL, but it is helping.  I'm also getting treatment for the shin splints that I've been avoiding for about 4 years as well, and it is helping with that too :).

4. I've had a bit of time to think about my surgical/reconstruction options and have actually had one conversation with my husband about it.  Zero decisions made, but at least not backward motion. 

5.  I had fun with my family at a county fair despite the heat outside. 

Ferris Wheel

6. And IT RAINED here last weekend!! it was beautiful!

Teenage Fanclub

Do you know what Teenage Fanclub and Trail Running have in Common?

They’re slow and awesome, and they'll rock you to the core.

This week's runs have given new meaning to the terms...

Solo Trail Run…

Group Trail Run….

"I'll take this chance to tell my friends what I'm thinkin' of....on second thought, I'll think some more and tell you lady luck."

Teenage Fanclub   (December)

Reconstruction

“I'm a woman with 1  D cup. My shirts won't even stay in place without my heavy rubber prosthetic breast.  I wanted to do the bilateral mastectomy from the beginning, but the doc wouldn't do it until reconstruction. I really dislike being lopsided. The prosthesis is a hassle. Also, sometimes I see, or feel my mastectomy side and it makes me sad, especially next to the breast that is still there that should eventually be removed.  Sometimes I think I'll be ok with 2 mastectomies without reconstruction, and other times I do want something built in (smaller though)to fill a swimsuit.”

This above comment is something that I wrote in response to a blog that I follow.  Some Girls Prefer Carnations.

In her recent post, the author Heather was discussing breast reconstruction after mastectomy.   Since writing the comment, I’ve had some more time to think about all of this.  I Love how Heather is very confident and sure in her decision not to have reconstruction.  I WISH I could feel the same way.  The full story  is that, I DO NOT WANT to have another surgery.  I’ve had 2 C-Sections, and a Right Mastectomy.  The Mastectomy, which the doctor stated might take 4-6 weeks to recover from (without radiation), is,  even now, 6 months after the surgery date, still causing me problems.  I am , as a matter of fact,  this very day,  seeking medical attention for the severe tightness in my pectoralis major and minor that is compressing a nerve and causing some tingling in my hand.   I am afraid of the next surgery.  Even when I consider the least invasive of options which is just having the mastectomy on the left without any reconstruction, I am afraid of the risks and the lingering tightness that I am currently experiencing.  You may be asking…Why even have the mastectomy on the right?  Well, the doctors recommend it due to the fact that I’ve had breast cancer (which was an aggressive form) and  I’m only 41 years old.   I actually agree with this medical recommendation.  I am considered high risk, I do not want to go through breast cancer treatment again.   Also, now that I’m super lopsided, AND I DO NOT LIKE IT, the idea of leveling things out sounds great to me.  When this all of this treatment started,  reconstruction sounded like the obvious decision.  Badda Bing….Chemo, surgery, reconstruction, back to normal life with “right-sized” breasts J.  Just another small RIF.  (Reduction in Force for those of  you who have not yet been directly affected by the economy).   Now, after living with  post-surgical tightness and discomfort, and understanding that there will not really be feeling in the area(s), it seems less obvious.  However, as I mentioned above, I don’t like dealing with the prosthesis, and I’ve mentioned a time or two….I DO NOT LIKE being LOPSIDED.  It is not simply a matter of how it looks (although it does make me turn for a second look whenever I pass a mirror)  it is how it feels.   I like the Carnation’s author and readers’ opinions that everything in the world does not have to be “matchy, matchy”, and that there is “beauty in asymmetry”.  I hear all that, and would agree, but,  it just doesn’t feel right to me.  Also, while I really have never wanted the larger cup size that I have/had, I have become accustomed to having something there.  I have enjoyed filling out a bathing suit or a low cut shirt.  With that said, other than the severe tightness, the lopsidedness, and the extreme reminder of what I’ve been through,  the mastectomy site itself does not really bother me.  It does not feel bad not to have something there.  I even kind of like it in some ways.  As I’ve mentioned, I do look like a faster runner on that side.      

Had I not been typing the above entry from my ephone, I would likely have mentioned all of this.

In the light of this discussion, I’ve decided to name this phase of my life just that.  Reconstruction. This is the time period in which I’ll be working to re-build my physical and mental strength in order to run a 50 mile run, and to be able to make a sound decision regarding my future with surgery.

On that note, Reconstruction is well under way.  Here is an example of a very good sign:  Yesterday, when my alarm failed to go off at 4:45 am for my Tuesday morning 5:30 a.m. group run, and I woke up at 6:08 a.m. I was very upset.  I was able to gather myself and still make it out the door, drive downtown, and start running my solo 8 mile road run by 6:31 a.m.  I completed the run without a walking break despite lack of conversation, high temperatures and large hills J.

P.S. We'll miss you Bastrop.

Am I Back?

I’ve had several people ask me in the past week… “Are you back to running?”  Well, the answer, I guess, is yes.  I’m not AS BACK as I’d like to be, though.  I am struggling.  I’ve been having some difficulty being able to tell if it is the 105 degree weather here, my lower than normal red counts, or just being fat and out of shape (Breast Cancer weight and Post Chemo muscle atrophy) that is causing my struggles.  I’ve been working on the breast cancer weight and I’ve made some progress.  I’ve lost about 3 lbs.  I was working my A** off to eat a diet above and beyond healthy in order to get my red blood counts back up ($12 salads).  4 weeks ago, they were up a little (seemed to be a slow steady rise) but then last week they dipped back down to: RBCs = 3.27 (normal is 4.2-5.4), Hemoglobin = 10.7 (Normal is 12-16) and Hematocrit = 30.5 (Normal is 37-47).  The good news is that this time around my White Blood Cells were Normal at 5.2 with normal range being 4.8-10.8.  So, it is kind of odd or ironic that today, I am actually experiencing a fever/sore throat/illness due to some virus.   Am I back?  Today is a bad day to ask me that.  Ask me in 10 days.  This is how long I’ve got to get over this virus, and get my weekly running average up to 34 miles/week in order to start my 24 week training plan for the 50 mile trail run I want to do on March 3^rd.  My highest weekly mileage, yet, (since surgery) has been 30 (mostly trail miles, however).  That was one week ago, the week before my last Herceptin.  Last week during a down week, my calves began to flare up like they used to…Posterior Tibial Tendonitis, plus some gastroc issues.   September 19 is Day One of my 24 week training plan.   I just completed my spreadsheet for this training plan, and I’m going to tell you the truth, here.  I’m a bit concerned that I’m going to be cutting it pretty darn close and pushing the envelope on what is reasonable considering my medical situation.   Mind you, prior to cancer, when I was training for the Bandera 50K, my plan topped out at 62 miles/week and I commonly did 40-55....but that was before.  One bit of good news is that my Herceptin treatments should be over in the end of December, so I should have 8 solid weeks no chemo (except the daily oral Tamoxifen) before the race.  

Here is what the plan looks like: Click on link below :)

Nueces 50 miler Training Plan : Top 60 miles per week                                                

This is a rough draft, and I’m sure there will be some changes in the plan once I start up with

Tejas Trails.  I’m planning on starting up in October, once the weather cools down a bit more.

Besides being initially upset by my drop in RBC counts, the ensuing complications due to my initiation of iron pills in order to improve the red counts, contracting this irritating virus, and my inability to hold my alcohol, I’ve had a pretty darn good week.    You need to know that I did not take this decision to start taking iron pills lightly.  I’ve been holding out on taking iron, since, basically, the beginning of all of this treatment.  Despite being borderline anemic pretty much my whole life, I’ve never been able to tolerate taking iron pills.  I tried taking them when I was pregnant because I was trying to be a good parent, and I’ll just say that that plan ended with me spending 45 minutes in a friend’s bathroom, during a party, giving what I later called “practice birth” to something too hideous to describe. (Severe Constipation).    But, I’m desperate.  I know I need these counts back up to be able to run…especially up hills.  I plan to ask my physician if I can get a transfusion of my own blood, or EPO, or something, but I’m about 100% sure they won’t do it.  My counts are low, but just not critical according to a new friend of mine who is a chemo nurse. (I know, befriending the enemy….you know what they say…friends close….)  Maybe if I explain that it could become critical at mile 40 or so, they’ll listen.

This week, I had some great times.  It was a holiday weekend and I enjoyed a 4 day Staycation!!  My favorite band, Downtube Shifter, played on Friday night and I was able to go to the show.

Downtube Shifter
Next Show: Saturday October 1st  Carousel Lounge 10 PM!

Downtube Shifter Fans!

It was a late show, and here’s where my inability to hold my alcohol comes in.  It’s not that I drank very much.  On the contrary, actually.  I just don’t have the constitution, or the ability to process the alcohol, so I am a pretty cheap date.  I had a lot of fun on Friday night, but Saturday morning was not pleasant, except that Grammy and Dpo took the boy off to Houston for a 3 year old Princess Party, so we had a quiet day.  I think maybe in some ways it was a good thing to have suffered a bit as a reminder that I need to be putting as few toxins in this body as possible, especially once my 24 week plan starts.  

Saturday afternoon, Richie and I got to go out again, together, onto a party Barge on Lake Austin for a couple of my friends’ birthday party.  It was a blast hanging out with my friends from the Outpatient department! and the weather and sunset were beautiful. 

Awesome Chicks of Outpatient!

This time I paced myself and was able to get up the next morning to complete my 5 mile trail jog on Sunday.  Monday was Labor Day and for the first time in about 3 months the temperature dropped below 74 degrees overnight.  It was awesome.  That morning I got to go out to my beloved Hill of Life and run 7 miles with my good friend, and the temperature was between 75 and 78 degrees and not humid.   It was beautiful, and I did not feel like total F****** S*** during the whole run. I actually had fun.  Progress.  Monday afternoon I enjoyed a wonderful nap, and then some of our close friends came over for a barbeque and fish fry and we got to play outside with the kids and enjoy just being out, for the first time in Months!  What a perfect day!

Cuts and Scrapes

I mentioned sort of as an aside in my last post about how I took Adaline to the 6 year old Pony Party and that I felt that it was actually a breakthrough for me that the biggest issue I had with the situation was that I had to recognize my inadequacies as a parent.  Realize please that this is in contrast to the anxieties that I was having prior to the party about potentially having unsettling thoughts about Adaline’s disabilities, or how I’m probably the only mom there with one breast.

The past 3 weeks have been difficult in some ways, and that breakthrough got me thinking about why.  It’s because, I’m not only getting back to the great things in life like having more energy, running again, and being able to do fun stuff with friends and family, 

I’m also getting back to everyday life and everyday problems that people just have:  Insecurities about parenting, scheduling errors, work issues, minor injuries, or communication exigencies in marriage.   I realize now that I am simply out of practice with many of these everyday things.  It’s sort of like for the past year the “daily grind” has been on hold in order for me to focus on Cancer Treatment.   In some ways, dealing with a life threatening situation is simpler.  It is more black and white, and in many cases you have no choice, or have little control over your course.   The complexities of relationships and daily life seem to happen around you. 

While a life threatening cut may be more emergent (as in the case of sharkboy…another story), it’s very possible that it not be more painful or even difficult to deal with than a superficial scrape.  With a deep cut, it is clear what to do.  Call the ambulance, go to the hospital, get stitched up and stay off of the thing until it heals. No guilt, no doubt, no remorse.  With a scrape, it is often more complex.   You get up (from your fall) wash it off and go on with your day.  You may wonder all day if the thing is getting infected, or if you should do more about it, but you can still go on with your daily routine, for the most part, until you try that one thing, like kneeling, for example, that causes severe pain or irritation.  You may even have guilt associated with complaining about the pain of such a minor situation.  With a scrape you’ve received no assistance, and likely little family support or sympathy. You’ve doctored the thing on your own the best you know how, yet you may have trouble sleeping at night due to pain from the covers.  The person dealing with a severe cut is likely sleeping like a baby with prescription pain medicine.

Now that I am becoming more aware of my re-entry into active participation in life and it’s everyday intricacies, I am going to try to be more aware of my surroundings and how people and actions are interrelated.   I’m going to try to pace myself, stay focused, and re-learn to lift my feet.

On the physical recovery end of things, I do, at times, not feel totally sloggish while running.  I now have brief interludes, very brief, of feeling O.K. during a run. My Red Blood Count is still Low, and my pecs, lats and triceps are still very tight,. My pecs are forming some sort of myofascial knot just above the axilla that i sometimes confuse for the port, which is on the other side.  The radiation burn has long since healed, but still looks like a deep tan. My hair continues to grow.  My left knee hurts like a burn from this scrape from falling during a "road" run, of all things :).

New Years in August

As I mentioned in the past few posts, today, Saturday August 27th was my “You have Cancer”versary.

When it ended up working out that I was going to have my Infinity Pool Friday  on Friday, August 26^th I was very excited to have something fun to do and to see old friends, but I had also initially secretly wished it could have landed on the date of August 27. But, as the date approached, and the more I thought about it, the more it actually seemed appropriate that I celebrate the last day, or the ending, of this year which began on August 27, 2010. It seemed more natural to celebrate the end of the year than that day that began it all.  Like New Year’s Eve, if you will.    I approached my Infinity Friday with a very relaxed attitude, like I had all the time in the world.  I did pretty much whatever I wanted to do.  Among those things included many of my favorites: I took care of the kids in the morning and got them off to school.  I then headed over to my beloved Hill Of Life.  I ran how I wanted to run.  Steady turnover on the flats, easy on the ups, and “balls out” on the downs.  I headed across the now totally dry creek over toward Moon shadow and I found myself climbing the next hill, and the next, and the next, because I knew it would give me another downhill sprint on the way back.  It was great.  A breakthrough in my fitness.  A feeling of freedom that is difficult to describe. (It was also about 4-6 degrees cooler at that time in the morning than it had been in about 60 days or so, so maybe that helped my motivation).  After my run, I headed over to my favorite’s…Casita Taco and Irie Bean and ordered my usuals. I sat outside and enjoyed the food, the coffee and the moment, and it all more than satisfied.  I went home to take a shower and relax.  I got to see my husband and share his lunch hour with him, which is a special treat.  I then did some shopping, and was off to the Northwest Austin Infinity Pool to see my friends. 

The day couldn’t have been more relaxing and enjoyable.   It is amazing how one can sit by (or in) a pool for 9 plus hours talking to friends, and relaxing, and the time really does feel like infinity in many ways.  No real distinct ups or downs, just smooth and easy, lacking any notion of an ending. This time, fortunately, my sunscreen was not expired J as it was the last time I had a day like this 2 years ago in the Florida Keys.

During these final hours of this year, a few other very cool things happened.  First, was that my best friend’s sister Lyndsay agreed to go running with me the next morning at my favorite trail in Northwest Austin.   Second, was that when I ate my slice of celebratory chocolate cake, it was the first time ever the cake seemed “too much” for me and I was o.k. with that.   Is it possible that I have somehow won my battle against chocolate cake?

My first day of this New Year turned out very cool as well.  I actually slept in until 7:00 a.m. which is unheard of.  I got up, got dressed, got to kiss the kids, and then got to take off again to go back out to NW Austin to pick up my fried Lyndsay to take  her to the trail.  I showed up early, which is pretty typical for me (she had talked me in to going running at 9:00 a.m. which in this heat is also an UNHEARD of start time for me, but I really wanted to do this run, so I agreed.)  Fortunately for me she was totally ready, and we were off and running by 9:00.  The run was awesome.  1.5 hours of mostly tree covered, technical, hilly running and hiking, and good conversation.   Lyndsay was very impressive.  She did this run like she’d run trails before.  She’s used to running on a flat cement path in Dallas.  I think she really liked it, and that made me very happy.

After the run, we were back to the infinity pool for a cooling off dip and then to say my goodbyes to my friends and back to my house to begin my day with the kids. 

Since Richie was scheduled for a recording session with his band, and I was scheduled to take Adaline to the Pony (Birthday) Party, I asked for some help with the kids from our friend Adriane.  We ended up taking both kids, and we made it to, and through, the Pony Party, and weren’t even the first to leave (miracle).

We were there for almost 2 hours between the hours of 3:00 and 5:00 on this day of record high temperature of 108 degrees.  One other major, very interesting breakthrough also happened during this party, and on the first day of this New Year.  At this Birthday party for this beautiful curly, blonde haired, blue eyed, athletic little girl, I did not feel jealous, or sad, for Adaline’s losses.  I felt only very hot, a bit out of my element (Amazed when I saw girls jumping rope. I haven’t seen a kid jump rope since I was a kid) and acutely aware of my own personal inadequacies as a parent.  (I’ve heard about these types of feelings….Am I becoming normal?) When they announced that we were about to “Paint the Ponies” I did feel the tunnel vision beginning, but I was distracted by something colorful, and able to recover.

What a great party.  I could never hold a party this fun and this well planned for children. So many activities, well thought out, and even well timed.  All the children seemed to have a good time.

Once I decided that this was my New Year’s Day, I began to think, where does March 4^th fit into this new Calendar.  March 4^th 2011 was the day that my MRI results came back clear.  I looked back at the calendar and I found it interesting that it was 6 months and 5 days between, “You Have Cancer” and “No Suspicious Mass Found”. Oh My! It just came to me. March 4^th.  X-MASS Day!!

Blog the change you want to see.

During a recent get together with a good friend who has been going through some rough times, I realized how much I have used this blog to help me sort things out, and put things back together.  Often, by the end of the entry I describe intentions I have set forth for upcoming situations. When I say that, I mean, I often describe how I'd like to see myself dealing with (if not a good situation), or enjoying (if good) a particular situation.

It really came to me when we were discussing some advice that her counselor had given her..."be the change you want to see".  My friend had mentioned this coping mechanism to me some time ago and I liked the sounds of it.  It happened to be during my quotes phase, so, of course…….. I Googled it….. to see if anyone famous had said it.  What do you know but Mahatma Gandhi, himself, had said….”Be the change you want to see in the world.” 

Upon further research of Gandhi, I’m now ashamed to admit I had not known more about him before.   For a Man born in 1869, in India, this guy did some seriously progressive things. You can check him out at Wikipedia: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohandas_Karamchand_Gandhi

But, I’m going to summarize a few of the things that he did and said in his lifetime that are particularly cool to me. 

Politically, as a leader in the Indian National Congress in the early 1920’s, Gandhi “led nationwide campaigns for easing poverty, expanding women's rights (wow! This is 1920’s…India!), building religious and ethnic amity, ending untouchability, increasing economic self-reliance, and for achieving the independence of India from foreign domination.”

Regarding his philosophy, I found these things very interesting:  He stated that “the most important battle to fight was overcoming his own demons, fears, and insecurities.” And, Gandhi had initially summarized his beliefs when he said "God is Truth". Then, he would later change this statement to "Truth is God".

Here is another quote of his that I liked: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do, are in harmony.”  I think he’s got a real strong point here, and I’m thinking that this is what I’ve been striving for with this blog.   It has been an instrument that has helped me harmonize the 3.  

Last post I mentioned that I had failed to schedule something fun for myself to do on my Cancerversary. My best friend from High School had even invited me to come out to lounge with her and some friends by an infinity pool on this very weekend, and I had forgotten the date, and let my husband make other plans.   After blogging about this, I began to think and ask myself…. How can this work for all of us? How could Richie record on Saturday and Sunday, Adaline and I ride ponies on Saturday, AND I still be able to lounge by the infinity pool with my friend to celebrate making it through this year and?....and I came up with an answer!  Infinity Friday! I asked for the day off of work, and it worked out beautifully.  Infinity Friday, Here i Come!