Blog the change you want to see.

During a recent get together with a good friend who has been going through some rough times, I realized how much I have used this blog to help me sort things out, and put things back together.  Often, by the end of the entry I describe intentions I have set forth for upcoming situations. When I say that, I mean, I often describe how I'd like to see myself dealing with (if not a good situation), or enjoying (if good) a particular situation.

It really came to me when we were discussing some advice that her counselor had given her..."be the change you want to see".  My friend had mentioned this coping mechanism to me some time ago and I liked the sounds of it.  It happened to be during my quotes phase, so, of course…….. I Googled it….. to see if anyone famous had said it.  What do you know but Mahatma Gandhi, himself, had said….”Be the change you want to see in the world.” 

Upon further research of Gandhi, I’m now ashamed to admit I had not known more about him before.   For a Man born in 1869, in India, this guy did some seriously progressive things. You can check him out at Wikipedia: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohandas_Karamchand_Gandhi

But, I’m going to summarize a few of the things that he did and said in his lifetime that are particularly cool to me. 

Politically, as a leader in the Indian National Congress in the early 1920’s, Gandhi “led nationwide campaigns for easing poverty, expanding women's rights (wow! This is 1920’s…India!), building religious and ethnic amity, ending untouchability, increasing economic self-reliance, and for achieving the independence of India from foreign domination.”

Regarding his philosophy, I found these things very interesting:  He stated that “the most important battle to fight was overcoming his own demons, fears, and insecurities.” And, Gandhi had initially summarized his beliefs when he said "God is Truth". Then, he would later change this statement to "Truth is God".

Here is another quote of his that I liked: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do, are in harmony.”  I think he’s got a real strong point here, and I’m thinking that this is what I’ve been striving for with this blog.   It has been an instrument that has helped me harmonize the 3.  

Last post I mentioned that I had failed to schedule something fun for myself to do on my Cancerversary. My best friend from High School had even invited me to come out to lounge with her and some friends by an infinity pool on this very weekend, and I had forgotten the date, and let my husband make other plans.   After blogging about this, I began to think and ask myself…. How can this work for all of us? How could Richie record on Saturday and Sunday, Adaline and I ride ponies on Saturday, AND I still be able to lounge by the infinity pool with my friend to celebrate making it through this year and?....and I came up with an answer!  Infinity Friday! I asked for the day off of work, and it worked out beautifully.  Infinity Friday, Here i Come!

"You Have Cancer"versary

In the middle of the night between Wednesday, August 16 and August 17^th of 2010 I had a dream that I needed to express breast milk, as I had done when I was nursing my children.  That Friday evening, August 19^th, Richie and I were packing to head out for a well needed Adult weekend trip to the coast, when I noticed a lump in the right breast. I’ve often thought, had we not been going on that little trip, it is very likely that I would not have noticed that lump until the next time we were scheduled to relax, which could have been months.  That trip, being the first planned relaxation in months.   On the drive to the coast, we actually had time to discuss the thing,  and we both thought it was likely hormonal.  On the following Tuesday 8/24 I ran 9 miles in the morning and I felt good.  Wednesday night, however, I woke up at night with pain in my right breast.  This, I knew was not good.  I remembered learning in Physical Therapy school that pain that wakes you up at night, can be Cancer pain.  This, pain and this knowledge spurred me hard to call my Gynecologist first thing on Thursday morning to try to get in to see her that day.  This is the woman whom I had trusted to assist us in delivering a healthy baby boy, after our traumatic experience with Adaline’s birth.  My doctor was off that day, however, because she dares to have balance between her career and life.  (Actually one of the reasons I like her. I’ve even seen her out on the trail, believe it or not), so I went in to see a resident who was covering for her that day.  The resident said something about a 3 centimeter mass, ordered a mammogram and an ultrasound and assured me that usually these things are not cancer. 

The next morning, on Friday August 27, 2010, I got up, and went to have the Mammogram and ultrasound, which were to be my first, because I had turned 40 just 4 months prior.   I had gone to the appointment alone, and I was, of course, scheduled to go to work after the appointment, because I was not expecting to hear any results from the test on that day.  I mean, you never get results on the same day for anything…right? So…needless to say,  I was pretty much beside myself…. Literally….my body was  on the table and my mind was somewhere off to the side looking down on the whole situation….. when, at the end of the mammogram, I found myself asking the Radiologist to repeat what she had just said because I had not understood a word, and she said…  “We think….. You Have Cancer”.  Somewhere, sometime after that, she went on to say that I would need 3 biopsies to confirm.  We would need to biopsy the tumor itself, the Lymph nodes, and the Calcium deposits.  Next thing I remember, I’m sitting in my MiniVan calling my Mom to tell her what I had just heard, and then calling my boss to fill him in.  Not really the second person I would have chosen to call, but I just wasn’t sure how long it was going to take me to drive the 4 miles back to work in my state.

A MERE 7, anxiety ridden days later, on Friday September 3^rd 2010 I found myself stuck in traffic on my way to the scheduled Core Needle Biopsy ,   http://www.imaginis.com/breast-health-biopsy/core-needle-biopsy  or......Living Hell.  It was very cool that my friend Lisa had offered to meet me there at the waiting room (very insightful of her) because she had made it on time, so I was able to call her and they were able to let the desk know I was on my way.  That helped calm me.  During the Biopsies and ultrasound, they would not allow anyone into the room, which, in retrospect was pretty mean, but probably a good thing that no one who knows me was there to witness this torture.   Lisa ended up leaving, going for a run, and making it back to meet me for a really nice lunch at the Outdoor French Café’ across the street.   Fortunately, it took her a few minutes to park and this had given me a chance to call my close friend Cindy to tell her what had been going on, and had given my tears some time to dry up before going into the nice restaurant (with my ice pack on my chest).  To this day, I believe this to be the most painful procedure I’ve had done yet for this cancer treatment.

Within 2 weeks, on 9/15/2010 I was lying on a surgical table (with my supine resting heart rate, 37….which was normal for me at the time…running 40 to 50 miles a week), prepping to have the port-a-cath for the chemotherapy, surgically implanted. This time, my friend Cindy was by my side, and they let her sit there for everything that I was awake for.  Compared to the biopsies, I remember thinking this was like a day at the spa with a friend.   We had some really good laughs, and got to catch up.   I’m pretty sure I started blogging around this time, so most of the rest has been documented.  24 weeks of chemo, baldness, neuropathies, menopause, fatigue, mastectomy, drain tubes, radiation, etc.  

One thing that I did not blog about at the time, (because I didn’t yet have my blog…I was only doing emails) was my haircut prior to my hair falling out.  I’m gonna do that now, because today I had my first haircut (not counting the Shaving) since that day September 29, 2010.  Really this is more of a photo op, but, since I’m currently going through some self-confidence issues in the looks department, and since I found myself showing these photos to the girl who just cut my hair to prove that I used to have pretty hair and look like a girl, that I would go ahead and show the rest of the world.

This is what my hair looked like on the day after first chemo.

I had it cut shorter because they told me it was going to fall out in 2 weeks. 

They were right, so i had it shaved once it started to fall out.

My hair before the haircut when it was still looking cute. Trust me it was getting funky.

Next Weekend, Saturday August 27 is my “You Have Cancerversary”.  In typical Emily fashion, I did not realize this until it was much too late to schedule anything fun for myself.  While my best friend will be lounging by an infinity pool only miles away, and my husband will be recording some badass song in the recording studio, I will be caring for my children and assisting Adaline in pony riding at an outdoor birthday party for 6 year olds between 3-5 pm.  I’m pretty sure the forecast is over 105 degrees.  While intitially this sounds uncomfortable, things are relative.  It sure beats what I did last year on August 27.  It will be a good day, and i will celebrate inside :) Other sweaty parents at the party may even wonder why i have a smile on my face.   And, at least this haircut will come in handy there.

Oh God, Not a Harp! or....$12 Salad

Today is Herceptin chemo day.  That in itself is enough to make me grumpy, and perhaps why I do feel extra grumpy today.  But now, even more so since I’m having trouble blogging due to this obnoxious harp music in my head.  How could a harp make someone irritable or angry?  Is it wrong for me to speak for (I’d think at least some) cancer patients, that just because we are bald and or in chemo, doesn’t mean we will all enjoy being held captive and forced to listen to a harp?  I’m going to venture out to even say it could even make some people sad, or feel creepy, or, as in my case, more irritable.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUYXKxBSg0g


 I’m bummed that I am feeling grumpy today, because despite not feeling well for the better part of two weeks after my last Herceptin, I was beginning to feel pretty decent the past week, and have been really feeling happy for the most part or the past 3 weeks.  Just happy in general.  Happy  to be alive, getting back to training, and even to work.    I think maybe I’m experiencing a small emotional dip due to feeling very happy for a pretty long time and then having to come back here to this place(GAP GawdAwfulPlace). My hair is getting a bit whacky, and now this harp music.   Is that ...We wish you a Merry Christmas?..
  It’s a cycle I guess.

On the good news end of things: I’ve lost 2.5 lbs of my “Breast Cancer Weight”.  ( I can’t remember now if I told that story, but at one point near the end of my 24 weeks of Hard chemo, I was speaking to the Radiation Oncologist’s Nurse, complaining about a 3 lb weight gain, and she said…..”that’s nothing”, “All Breast Cancer Patients get fat.”  If I did tell the story, then I must have mentioned how thank Goodness they did say that to me right after... “You have Cancer”. ) No, I’m not counting the 1.5 lbs of actual breast and/or tumor lost.  I was starting with the weight after surgery. J.  In the past, 2 weeks, I’ve been able to ride my bike for 3.5 hours twice, including a slightly modified version of the (50 mile) DaM loop that Richie and I have done for years and is sort of a benchmark for me ( Modified to 46 miles).  I haven’t been able to do that since at least November of 2010.   I ran over 6.5 miles in one run (7 miles) for the first time since the week before my surgery in March.  I'm able to do up to 20 push-ups again (still difficult and uneven but doing) and I’ve been eating a salad, much like this one 

That is actually a piece of Kale on the bottom left for those unfamiliar.

almost every day at lunch, and I’m still into it.  My secret is that I’ve been going to Whole Foods (mostly), or Central market (secondarily) and allowing myself to get WHATEVER I WANT off of the salad bar.  It’s mostly a secret though, because my husband, who I won’t name, would probably die if he knew this. ($$)  I figure my secret is safe here though.  I've also had the time to "Juice" a few more times.  Outside of the Juice actually being O.K. and making me feel pretty healthy, i've gotton a lot of kicks out of it.  First of all the word "Juicing" is hilarious. Secondly, it is simply amazing the things that you can get juice out of.  The best moment, though, was when i was in the actual process of juicing some Kale, and some guy came to our door trying to raise money for the cause to improve the American diet.  A cause, i am normally very interested in supporting, however at that very moment my first thought was....Aren't i doing enough?....I'm Juicing (and about to drink the juice of) Kale for Godsake's. :)

The other obvious great thing is that,while i'm NOT a fan of the summer schedule, or of this severe heat, i have gotton to spend some real fun times with my kids.  I really do have cute kids.

     

Worlds Collide: Pre-3G, 3G; Before Cancer, Since Cancer

It’s been 10 days since my last Herceptin treatment.  It’s been good in many ways, and, as you might have guessed (cough….Ballotable) challenging in many ways.  I’m back to work, and things are going well.  I’ve done some patient lifts and my arm has not fallen off.  Of note, however, is that my “core is VERY weak!”.  I’d forgotten I had muscles in the lower pelvic region.  Despite that, it actually feels good in many ways to get back to work.  Also, last Tuesday….Herceptin Day, was what I've started calling my official Day 1 of my 7.5 month training plan for the 50 mile trail run that I want to do in March. I’ve been working up to this Day 1 for a while, mind you.  I called it “Day 1” because it was my first day back to my Tuesday morning running group.  It was very fun to be back in the group environment even though it made it very obvious that I have a long way to go in my fitness. Day 1 felt pretty good.  The run was in the morning before my Herceptin treatment.  Then, things started to go downhill a bit.  I’ve not been feeling well, throughout the better part of the past 10 days.  I’ve been concerned that the Tamoxifen has been causing this general malaise feeling.  In some ways I really want to blame it on that, but it is difficult to clearly know what to point the finger at, when everything is taken into consideration.  It’s true that my Hot Flashes are back, full on, due to the Tamoxifen, and are interrupting my sleep again.  It’s also true, however, that each of my offspring has had an illness in the past week and a half. The boy with what I was calling the “snuggle fever”, my favorite of all childhood illnesses, up until the projectile vomit got all over me and the kitchen. The girl simply had the loose stool.   It’s also true that with me being in week one of training mode, being fat and simply out of shape,  just getting back to work,  and it being over 100 degrees here every day, it is very possible that I’ve overdone myself. 

 I called my oncologist’s nurse practitioner yesterday to discuss these ill feelings and my (continued) fear of the Tamoxifen.  When she returned my call today, she mentioned that that the Herceptin “can cause flu like symptoms, but they usually only last a couple of days.” ( AH HA!!  I knew that Herceptin was not just nothing like they had originally told me!!). http://www.herceptin.com/metastatic/breast-cancer-treatment/side-effects.js  She feels that my ill feelings have probably been a combination of the Herceptin, plus possibly having mild forms of my kids’ illnesses and not the Tamoxifen.  I did not mention to her that I also wrecked my car on the way to my Sunday run due to taking directions from my iPhone to the nearest gas station: to get gas because I was on empty, and to get water for my run because I was already thirsty.

 I did not mention that I did not make it to the gas station, because… A.) I KNEW in my GUT that there was NOT a gas station where my beloved iPhone said it was, and,  B.) Had I gone to the next station, I would not have made it to the run.  (The LUCKY :) thing about the wreck was that the guy that I wrecked into was very nice and was actually on his way to a group bike ride!) I also did not mention that it was very possible that I got overheated and dehydrated on that 1.5 hour HILLY Sunday trail run, (with no water of my own…I only had Cytomax which does NOT help when one is thirsty! A really nice guy did donate a few swigs of his water to me though) and that it was very possible that I was over trained (too much too soon).   So, anyway, I took Thursday as a rest day, when normally, I would run, and I completed 3 hours of a juice fast.  and purchased a juicer. http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/  It was really amazing how much better I felt after that detox.   I might just try a whole day. :)

It is sometimes surreal when you have an awareness that you are experiencing life today in both the perspective of a BEFORE and an AFTER, a certain life changing event.  All of us can identify events that have changed our lives, or changed us in many ways. For example, most people, whether we plan on it or not, change (over time in many ways) after having children.  I know, I personally call the time before kids… “B.K.”  for…yes, you got it….. I also know that I changed in many ways after Adaline was born, due to the circumstances of her birth…which I’ve mentioned at length in other posts.  What’s weird or surreal about THIS event, for me, right now, is that I’ve been away/out, for a while and I’ve recently made an abrupt re-entry back into my same old life.  Back to work and running.  I suppose it is obvious on the outside that I am different physically (the hair and the uniboob :)  but, I usually forget what I look like, and in so many ways, I feel that I’m carrying around a secret.  The secret about what I’ve been through over the past 11 months.  The secret that I am now a different person, but other people don't, and can’t really know.  

The other day, at my running group I was doing my "first" track workout.  It was a poignant scene for me because this workout was the exact same first track workout that I did back in 2005 in my very first running group. "Straights and curves".  To further add meaning to the situation, the girl (49 year old woman) that I was running this workout with, had been my Coach back in 2005,  on that very first day, for the very same workout 6 years ago.  Here I was now, doing the very same thing.... but I've changed.  In a surreal way it was like there were 3 of us there running.  My old self of 2005/Pre-Cancer, my new self, and my running friend, Carolyn.   During this dreamlike scenario, i imagined my two worlds/selves ( Before Cancer and Since Cancer)  coming together with a clash, or colliding.  It was quick and kind of awkward, but painless. Much like my car collision days prior.

Ballotable

The past few weeks has been quite a "BALLOTABLE" time period. ( I'm now using this word to describe ups and downs, or periods of mixed or unsteady emotions.) Last week I blogged about my toenail while I was processing the situation.

I'll start with my last Doctor's appointment/Herceptin chemo treatment 3 weeks ago.  At that visit the doctor started me on the Tamoxifen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamoxifen. Short exerpt from the blog that week:

 I am scheduled to be on this drug for 5 years. Sounds overwhelming, especially when the doctor and the pharmacist review the side effects…” some people just don’t feel good…” said the doctor. “Like what”, I said… ”well, it could be a whole host of things…you’d have to go to the PDR (Physician’s Desk Reference) to see them all”, he says…”Greeaat”, I thought to myself. Of particular note is the possible WORSENING HOT FLASHES, Increased Risk for Blood clots and therefore possible pulmonary embolism which could lead to death, increased risk of endometriosis and endometrial…you guessed it…CANCER.

Due to the above, i began to have some severe anxiety about taking this drug, and i did what I have kept myself from doing for the past 7 months, or so.......GOOGLING!  I continued to become increasingly upset about the cancer risk and the worsening hot flashes, especially in the light that my previously HORRENDOUS HOT FLASHES had pretty much subsided.  Due to this stopping of the HHFs, i figured that  i was now POST Menapausal.  This assumption heightened my skepticism about the Tamoxifen being the right drug for me.   I also began to think about how, up to this point, all of the chemo drugs (toxins) i had taken so far had been administered by someone else.  I've mentioned many times before that I've had an extreme aversion reaction to the chemo drugs and the cancer treatment building.  While i understand on one level that these drugs (were and) are saving my life, there is just an animal instinct that  i have that tells me it is NOT good for me.  But, for those drugs there were appointments, doctors, nurses, and family and friends,  all there supporting this act of me taking these drugs.  This time, i began to realize, it would be up to me to administer this "toxin", all on my own and i just wasn't sure i could do it.  I decided to take a week to think about the drug and to try calling the oncologists office to get some more encouragement to go ahead and take the drug.  During this "break" week, i began feeling not only anxioius, but also very randomly emotional.  This emotionality was upsetting me and confusing me at the same time.  Considering the cancer and everything, i've been surprisingly, and notedly level (even keel, if you will) emotionally for the past 9 months.  My severe HOT flashes had replaced any emotional ups and downs i MIGHT have had in years past.   But, my hot flashes had diminished drastically since the end of radiation, and I was actually starting to feel a bit more normal with increased energy levels at times due to slowly rising blood counts.  So, why now, have i thought to myself for the first time in over 9 months..."Does HE (Richie) REALLY love me".  It had all been so clear, and i'd believed it without a doubt for the past 9 months that he DID. On the second night of having this thought of doubt creep into my head, i woke in the middle of the night crying.  VERY odd.  I can't really even remember the last time i cried. (Oh, yes.  I did cry the night before my mastectomy.) Probably about 1/2 of you have already figured out where this is headed.  YES.  The morning after i woke crying, I was gushingly informed that I was PRE-MENAPAUSAL AGAIN!! DAMN IT!!!  It now all made sense.  The increased anxiety, the emotional lability, and later that evening, my moment of creative genius which borne unto it a new spectacular dessert that i named "caudled chocolate".   

It's as if i've been given a looking glass (what is that anyway?) that has allowed me to see the menstrual cycle from both sides.  It's almost creepy.  It's like a Twilight Zone Episode.  A woman moves in and out of inexplicable emotional zones.  A given scene plays out over and again with different emotional angles, or, emotional stability, portrayed.  The emotional stability zone (Menapause) teaches her how to better view and understand the other zones when she returns.

Back to Ballotable.   My menstural Cycle bounced back, and I, of course, had MIXED feelings about it.  Part of me felt good to be home again, part of me was/is very frightened that these hormones that we've spent the better part of the past year killing, are back, and part of me is upset that now i'll have to go through the Menapause Again....very possibly on a continual basis for the next 5 years.

Now, back up to today.  I'm back to the GawdAwful Place (GAP for those who follow closely).  Things went well today.  The nurse practitioner was not upset that my period started.  She was happy with the range of motion I'd gained in my arm.  My white cell counts are back to normal range and my reds are getting closer.  I've been taking the Tamoxifen for about 2 weeks and seem to be "tolerating" it OK so far.   I discussed my plans to run a 50 miler in March with the Nurse Practioner in order to make sure that she did not think it would be a problem medically and she said it would be fine.  I said,  "I know it seems a bit extreme, but, it's just that these were my plans prior to breast cancer".  She said ... "I expected nothing less from you". :)

New Beginnings

The last time my toenail looked like this (photo above,with new toenail growth) was just after I had run the Boston marathon in April, 2007. The Blacktoe part (which causes the loss of the nail) had happened two months earlier, in February, after running the Austin Marathon.

The toenail discoloration on both photos is from the Taxol. 
Also note the splotchyness of the skin.
These photowas were taken 2 months after
the last Taxol Treatment!

The blacktoe last time (from the marathon running), looked pretty similiar to the black toe shown here on the left (even though initially more bloody).  In 2007 I kept the toenail hanging on literally by a "hang-nail" in order to have protection for the toe during the next marathon i had planned for 2 months later....THE Boston Marathon. 

Due to my familiarity with this situation, i did the same thing this time around.  Once i knew the nail was no longer actually alive/attached, i just kept it hanging on with skin.   The new nail finally pushed the dead one off, just last week (first photo). It was a bit traumatic for me, due to  it's disgusting nature, until i realized what it represented for me. 

Last time around (2007) the loss of my toenail was due to a very exciting cause.  Running my Boston Qualifying Marathon And the Boston itself! The time during re-growth, after these runs, was also a time of excitement and wonderful new becoming pregnant with my baby boy Ace. My nail grew in and my sweet baby boy was born. A new life.

This time around, my nails and feet were damaged from the toxins of chemotherapy.  Not as glorious a cause as running a Boston Qualifying Marathon, however, a cause far outweighing the loss of a toenail!  As this nail grows, I will be on the path to regaining my own life, health, and fitness. 

Monday morning I begin my new job (with my old company).  I am excited.  It’s a feeling almost like returning to school after summer break.  This week will mark the official beginning of my training for a 50 mile trail race that i have chosen to run on Saturday, March 3rd. Nueces 50 miler.  I have chosen this race due to the fact that it is a 3 loop course.   I figured that if anything happened to me medically, this would be safer than being stuck at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.  This new focus and new schedule is now an exciting new beginning for me. 

This morning, during my morning jog, I saw these 2 huge birds just sitting on this tree with their wings outstretched.
 Absolutely still. Not moving at all.
Just sitting there, wings spread, prepared to fly :).

Austin Running Groups Provide

Many of you are already aware that the article in Austin Fit Magazine came out this month. 
It is a pretty good article, despite my personal let down in a couple of areas.  Foremost, being that the hard copy magazine of the article incorrectly named one of my road running coaches as the coach my trail group, and left out the trail running coach, and my trail running friends all together. Sorry guys!  I was dissapointed also, that the girl who interviewed me said that the article that i wrote would actually be in the magazine.  It wasn't, but some quotes were taken from it.  The article was incorrect when it said that i did not miss any Tuesdays in the 24 week period of chemo, except once for the flu.  It is true that I only missed one Tuesday due to the flu during the 12 weeks of Taxol treatment, but I definately missed 1-2 Tuesdays each 3 week period during the 12 weeks of every 3 Week Adriamycin, Cytoxin treatment. Some weeks I could barely walk by the first Tuesday after treatment. I believe I did make it to at least every 3rd Tuesday, though.  Part of my being able to miss the least amount possible was due to how I had arranged my schedule. Due to the fact that me making it to these workouts was a priority, I actually scheduled my chemo on Tuesday mornings.... After my runs. So, Tuesdays would mostly land the furthest point from any treatment.

Here is the article I had written back in January and sent in to Austin Fit Magazine.   I had hoped they would publish this article as a way to thank everyone involved in these awesome running groups, promote these inspirational coaches, and to point out how poeple can gain different inspirations and benefits from different, yet similar situations.  I'll post what i wrote first, then you'll see the link to the Austin Fit Article titled "Inspiration."

Oh yes, the other thing was that when the assistant editor told me that they were going to use my idea for the Inspiration issue, i was very excited because i thought that they were going to use my article, and do a lay out of the three running groups/coaches i mentioned.....which was my idea/point. When they ended up using me as one of the inspirational persons, it was a bit awkward (even though it was pretty fun).  Even at the last minute, at the photo shoot, I was really expecting, Joe Prusaitis (Tejas Trails), Gilbert Tuhabonye (Gilbert's Gazelle's),  and Steve Sisson and John Schrup (Rogue) to be there for a group photo.   That would have been so cool.  Oh well, it exists in my head.

__________________________________________________________________________________

                                                   
Austin Running Groups Provide 

Now that I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and am undergoing chemotherapy I've had the chance (time during infusions, blood draws and drug induced bed rest) to reflect on what these three Austin running groups have given me, in the past, and even now, as they continue to provide support above anything expected, and likely beyond what they are aware.  They are each led by local icons, whose personal stories and running resumes have brought this, and I'm sure many other runners, and readers, to tears.  Each group has a strong sense of community and respect for individualism, and each has provided, for many, the motivation and skill required to complete and even excel at difficult tasks including marathons, ultra-marathons and life.

  This is part of my story:                                           

In 2003, my beautiful daughter Adaline was unexpectedly born with severe brain damage leading to a life of cerebral palsy, dependent care, and seizures. Once I surfaced from the depths of 2 years of sadness, I joined the Rogue Moms marathon group for the 2005-2006 Austin Marathon Training season and what would be my first marathon.  This group, led by Steve Sisson (bios: http://www.roguerunning.com/aboutus_bios.php , http://www.texassports.com/sports/w-xc/mtt/sisson_stephen00.html) ,  and more directly coached by Carolyn Mangold taught me that I could live again, be happy, and enjoy friends and personal goals.  It also taught me that i could even thrive utilizing the methodological progression of fitness.

When the Mom's group split up I followed one of my closest new mom friends, Lisa, over to Gilbert's Gazelles, where my goal was to qualify for the Boston Marathon.  (Check out this bio on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_Tuhabonye ) But, what I learned was the importance of heart, courage, and the safety and momentum of a pack.  Not to mention the benefit of a strong “core”.  This group, led by Gilbert Tuhabonye himself, provided me with the ability to Boston qualify, and more importantly, the courage to attempt to have a second child which my husband and I were able to do, 13 months after my running of "the Boston".  I will always credit this Gazelles group for my ability to conceive "of" my second child.

Four months after my healthy sweet baby boy Ace Henry “Selby” Howell was born, I returned to a Rogue Austin marathon group beginning in September 2007, which met only 2 times per week versus the 3 times per week of The Gazelles. I felt this would better fit into my schedule with a nursing newborn, a 3 year old in a wheelchair, and a full time job as a Physical Therapist (I know, ironic).  I joined this group with no real goals other than to get back to running with no intention of making any more friends.  I had already made many very close friends from the Rogue Moms and then The Gazelles.  But what do you know, but people in this group made their way into my life and onto my list of friends (before Facebook), even best of friends.  This group did indeed get me back to running and was the springboard for more to come.  My injury that season due to my overzealous attempt to return to "fast" pace running, which I blame on my speedy weight loss with the combination of nursing and distance running, lead me to seek out a way to continue running, and recover from injury, simultaneously. My first thought was…. How about shorter distances?  But, I quickly realized that shorter distances would just make me want to run faster.  What I felt I needed now was slower running... How about trail running?  I had heard it was difficult to run a fast pace on a trail.  I was a bit afraid of what would happen with my weak ankles, but later learned that this variety in surfaces was just what I needed, and that I was even good at it.   

This quest for running with a decreased focus on pace, and increased focus on less injury led me to my entrance into the unknown world of trail running, and my joining of Tejas Trails.  This group being led by Joe Prusaitis, one of Austin’s most seasoned trail, and ultra-runners (Please refer to his impressive ultra bio http://www.tejastrails.com/docs/JoeBio.html ) and assisted by Robert Heynen.  When I joined this group and this new world I had no idea what I was doing.  I was actually even confused most of the time, but found myself feeling very excited by the environment and the new challenges.  Ironically, and to my very pleasant surprise I found out that my good friend Lisa, whom I had followed from the Mom’s to The Gazelles, and with whom I had not run in 2 years, due to life circumstances, was also joining the Tejas Trails in order to train for the Bandera 50K!

This group, Tejas Trails, whose race plans may as easily be based on effort levels and scientific nutrition facts, as they could be based on the random gathering success of a "blind squirrel" (inside joke), gave me the ability to truly open my eyes during a run, and enjoy the thrill of taking it all in, even while at times running completely out of control.
I found my golden nut during my glorious 10 months of trail running just prior to my diagnosis of breast cancer.  During this time I completed my first “ultra”-marathon, achieved 4 top ten female finishes, and even one first place female (top 4 overall). What a thrill for me, coming off of road running where, for me, the only “competition” was against my own self, or the clock.  


As I trained for specific trail races with Tejas Trails, I had also simultaneously stayed on with my road running and by certain chance found myself training with the Team Rogue group coached directly by Steve Sisson.  For some reason, to my benefit, TR allowed me to attend 1x per week out of their scheduled 3x per week.  This was the perfect complement to my schedule, and I got to continue to hang out and run with good friends and motivated people.  I also got to continue to benefit from coaching ideas and motivational words by Steve, even though primarily from the sidelines. "Relentless Forward Progress". Words once used by Steve to describe what should be part of one’s race plan when running a 100 mile trail race.  I love those words, and have taken them on as my personal motto.  I hope also to have the chance again one day to perseverate on these words during another Ultra Run of my own.

What's sort of funny now, is that, other than living and enjoying life, simply continuing to show up for my Tuesday morning group run is one of the goals I have.  What's more interesting is that, while I am (I believe) the only person in the group currently going through chemotherapy, and not even training for a race, the new and current Team Rogue coach, John Schrup, (who met me only months prior to my diagnosis) treats me with interest equaled to that of the fastest runner, or those with the most potential.  I believe that he understands me, and what I need to continue my push toward relentless forward progress.

Emily Selby Howell 1.24.11

___________________________________________________________________________________

Here's the link to the Austin Fit Article online:

http://www.austinfitmagazine.com/latest


One additional interesting note is that after the interview, i found out that Relentless Forward Progress is actually already a book written as a guide to ultrarunning.  I've purchased it and i'm about half way through.

Here's a review of the book:
http://running.competitor.com/2011/04/features/book-review-relentless-forward-progress_24965