Cuts and Scrapes

I mentioned sort of as an aside in my last post about how I took Adaline to the 6 year old Pony Party and that I felt that it was actually a breakthrough for me that the biggest issue I had with the situation was that I had to recognize my inadequacies as a parent.  Realize please that this is in contrast to the anxieties that I was having prior to the party about potentially having unsettling thoughts about Adaline’s disabilities, or how I’m probably the only mom there with one breast.

The past 3 weeks have been difficult in some ways, and that breakthrough got me thinking about why.  It’s because, I’m not only getting back to the great things in life like having more energy, running again, and being able to do fun stuff with friends and family, 

I’m also getting back to everyday life and everyday problems that people just have:  Insecurities about parenting, scheduling errors, work issues, minor injuries, or communication exigencies in marriage.   I realize now that I am simply out of practice with many of these everyday things.  It’s sort of like for the past year the “daily grind” has been on hold in order for me to focus on Cancer Treatment.   In some ways, dealing with a life threatening situation is simpler.  It is more black and white, and in many cases you have no choice, or have little control over your course.   The complexities of relationships and daily life seem to happen around you. 

While a life threatening cut may be more emergent (as in the case of sharkboy…another story), it’s very possible that it not be more painful or even difficult to deal with than a superficial scrape.  With a deep cut, it is clear what to do.  Call the ambulance, go to the hospital, get stitched up and stay off of the thing until it heals. No guilt, no doubt, no remorse.  With a scrape, it is often more complex.   You get up (from your fall) wash it off and go on with your day.  You may wonder all day if the thing is getting infected, or if you should do more about it, but you can still go on with your daily routine, for the most part, until you try that one thing, like kneeling, for example, that causes severe pain or irritation.  You may even have guilt associated with complaining about the pain of such a minor situation.  With a scrape you’ve received no assistance, and likely little family support or sympathy. You’ve doctored the thing on your own the best you know how, yet you may have trouble sleeping at night due to pain from the covers.  The person dealing with a severe cut is likely sleeping like a baby with prescription pain medicine.

Now that I am becoming more aware of my re-entry into active participation in life and it’s everyday intricacies, I am going to try to be more aware of my surroundings and how people and actions are interrelated.   I’m going to try to pace myself, stay focused, and re-learn to lift my feet.

On the physical recovery end of things, I do, at times, not feel totally sloggish while running.  I now have brief interludes, very brief, of feeling O.K. during a run. My Red Blood Count is still Low, and my pecs, lats and triceps are still very tight,. My pecs are forming some sort of myofascial knot just above the axilla that i sometimes confuse for the port, which is on the other side.  The radiation burn has long since healed, but still looks like a deep tan. My hair continues to grow.  My left knee hurts like a burn from this scrape from falling during a "road" run, of all things :).

New Years in August

As I mentioned in the past few posts, today, Saturday August 27th was my “You have Cancer”versary.

When it ended up working out that I was going to have my Infinity Pool Friday  on Friday, August 26^th I was very excited to have something fun to do and to see old friends, but I had also initially secretly wished it could have landed on the date of August 27. But, as the date approached, and the more I thought about it, the more it actually seemed appropriate that I celebrate the last day, or the ending, of this year which began on August 27, 2010. It seemed more natural to celebrate the end of the year than that day that began it all.  Like New Year’s Eve, if you will.    I approached my Infinity Friday with a very relaxed attitude, like I had all the time in the world.  I did pretty much whatever I wanted to do.  Among those things included many of my favorites: I took care of the kids in the morning and got them off to school.  I then headed over to my beloved Hill Of Life.  I ran how I wanted to run.  Steady turnover on the flats, easy on the ups, and “balls out” on the downs.  I headed across the now totally dry creek over toward Moon shadow and I found myself climbing the next hill, and the next, and the next, because I knew it would give me another downhill sprint on the way back.  It was great.  A breakthrough in my fitness.  A feeling of freedom that is difficult to describe. (It was also about 4-6 degrees cooler at that time in the morning than it had been in about 60 days or so, so maybe that helped my motivation).  After my run, I headed over to my favorite’s…Casita Taco and Irie Bean and ordered my usuals. I sat outside and enjoyed the food, the coffee and the moment, and it all more than satisfied.  I went home to take a shower and relax.  I got to see my husband and share his lunch hour with him, which is a special treat.  I then did some shopping, and was off to the Northwest Austin Infinity Pool to see my friends. 

The day couldn’t have been more relaxing and enjoyable.   It is amazing how one can sit by (or in) a pool for 9 plus hours talking to friends, and relaxing, and the time really does feel like infinity in many ways.  No real distinct ups or downs, just smooth and easy, lacking any notion of an ending. This time, fortunately, my sunscreen was not expired J as it was the last time I had a day like this 2 years ago in the Florida Keys.

During these final hours of this year, a few other very cool things happened.  First, was that my best friend’s sister Lyndsay agreed to go running with me the next morning at my favorite trail in Northwest Austin.   Second, was that when I ate my slice of celebratory chocolate cake, it was the first time ever the cake seemed “too much” for me and I was o.k. with that.   Is it possible that I have somehow won my battle against chocolate cake?

My first day of this New Year turned out very cool as well.  I actually slept in until 7:00 a.m. which is unheard of.  I got up, got dressed, got to kiss the kids, and then got to take off again to go back out to NW Austin to pick up my fried Lyndsay to take  her to the trail.  I showed up early, which is pretty typical for me (she had talked me in to going running at 9:00 a.m. which in this heat is also an UNHEARD of start time for me, but I really wanted to do this run, so I agreed.)  Fortunately for me she was totally ready, and we were off and running by 9:00.  The run was awesome.  1.5 hours of mostly tree covered, technical, hilly running and hiking, and good conversation.   Lyndsay was very impressive.  She did this run like she’d run trails before.  She’s used to running on a flat cement path in Dallas.  I think she really liked it, and that made me very happy.

After the run, we were back to the infinity pool for a cooling off dip and then to say my goodbyes to my friends and back to my house to begin my day with the kids. 

Since Richie was scheduled for a recording session with his band, and I was scheduled to take Adaline to the Pony (Birthday) Party, I asked for some help with the kids from our friend Adriane.  We ended up taking both kids, and we made it to, and through, the Pony Party, and weren’t even the first to leave (miracle).

We were there for almost 2 hours between the hours of 3:00 and 5:00 on this day of record high temperature of 108 degrees.  One other major, very interesting breakthrough also happened during this party, and on the first day of this New Year.  At this Birthday party for this beautiful curly, blonde haired, blue eyed, athletic little girl, I did not feel jealous, or sad, for Adaline’s losses.  I felt only very hot, a bit out of my element (Amazed when I saw girls jumping rope. I haven’t seen a kid jump rope since I was a kid) and acutely aware of my own personal inadequacies as a parent.  (I’ve heard about these types of feelings….Am I becoming normal?) When they announced that we were about to “Paint the Ponies” I did feel the tunnel vision beginning, but I was distracted by something colorful, and able to recover.

What a great party.  I could never hold a party this fun and this well planned for children. So many activities, well thought out, and even well timed.  All the children seemed to have a good time.

Once I decided that this was my New Year’s Day, I began to think, where does March 4^th fit into this new Calendar.  March 4^th 2011 was the day that my MRI results came back clear.  I looked back at the calendar and I found it interesting that it was 6 months and 5 days between, “You Have Cancer” and “No Suspicious Mass Found”. Oh My! It just came to me. March 4^th.  X-MASS Day!!

Blog the change you want to see.

During a recent get together with a good friend who has been going through some rough times, I realized how much I have used this blog to help me sort things out, and put things back together.  Often, by the end of the entry I describe intentions I have set forth for upcoming situations. When I say that, I mean, I often describe how I'd like to see myself dealing with (if not a good situation), or enjoying (if good) a particular situation.

It really came to me when we were discussing some advice that her counselor had given her..."be the change you want to see".  My friend had mentioned this coping mechanism to me some time ago and I liked the sounds of it.  It happened to be during my quotes phase, so, of course…….. I Googled it….. to see if anyone famous had said it.  What do you know but Mahatma Gandhi, himself, had said….”Be the change you want to see in the world.” 

Upon further research of Gandhi, I’m now ashamed to admit I had not known more about him before.   For a Man born in 1869, in India, this guy did some seriously progressive things. You can check him out at Wikipedia: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mohandas_Karamchand_Gandhi

But, I’m going to summarize a few of the things that he did and said in his lifetime that are particularly cool to me. 

Politically, as a leader in the Indian National Congress in the early 1920’s, Gandhi “led nationwide campaigns for easing poverty, expanding women's rights (wow! This is 1920’s…India!), building religious and ethnic amity, ending untouchability, increasing economic self-reliance, and for achieving the independence of India from foreign domination.”

Regarding his philosophy, I found these things very interesting:  He stated that “the most important battle to fight was overcoming his own demons, fears, and insecurities.” And, Gandhi had initially summarized his beliefs when he said "God is Truth". Then, he would later change this statement to "Truth is God".

Here is another quote of his that I liked: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do, are in harmony.”  I think he’s got a real strong point here, and I’m thinking that this is what I’ve been striving for with this blog.   It has been an instrument that has helped me harmonize the 3.  

Last post I mentioned that I had failed to schedule something fun for myself to do on my Cancerversary. My best friend from High School had even invited me to come out to lounge with her and some friends by an infinity pool on this very weekend, and I had forgotten the date, and let my husband make other plans.   After blogging about this, I began to think and ask myself…. How can this work for all of us? How could Richie record on Saturday and Sunday, Adaline and I ride ponies on Saturday, AND I still be able to lounge by the infinity pool with my friend to celebrate making it through this year and?....and I came up with an answer!  Infinity Friday! I asked for the day off of work, and it worked out beautifully.  Infinity Friday, Here i Come!

"You Have Cancer"versary

In the middle of the night between Wednesday, August 16 and August 17^th of 2010 I had a dream that I needed to express breast milk, as I had done when I was nursing my children.  That Friday evening, August 19^th, Richie and I were packing to head out for a well needed Adult weekend trip to the coast, when I noticed a lump in the right breast. I’ve often thought, had we not been going on that little trip, it is very likely that I would not have noticed that lump until the next time we were scheduled to relax, which could have been months.  That trip, being the first planned relaxation in months.   On the drive to the coast, we actually had time to discuss the thing,  and we both thought it was likely hormonal.  On the following Tuesday 8/24 I ran 9 miles in the morning and I felt good.  Wednesday night, however, I woke up at night with pain in my right breast.  This, I knew was not good.  I remembered learning in Physical Therapy school that pain that wakes you up at night, can be Cancer pain.  This, pain and this knowledge spurred me hard to call my Gynecologist first thing on Thursday morning to try to get in to see her that day.  This is the woman whom I had trusted to assist us in delivering a healthy baby boy, after our traumatic experience with Adaline’s birth.  My doctor was off that day, however, because she dares to have balance between her career and life.  (Actually one of the reasons I like her. I’ve even seen her out on the trail, believe it or not), so I went in to see a resident who was covering for her that day.  The resident said something about a 3 centimeter mass, ordered a mammogram and an ultrasound and assured me that usually these things are not cancer. 

The next morning, on Friday August 27, 2010, I got up, and went to have the Mammogram and ultrasound, which were to be my first, because I had turned 40 just 4 months prior.   I had gone to the appointment alone, and I was, of course, scheduled to go to work after the appointment, because I was not expecting to hear any results from the test on that day.  I mean, you never get results on the same day for anything…right? So…needless to say,  I was pretty much beside myself…. Literally….my body was  on the table and my mind was somewhere off to the side looking down on the whole situation….. when, at the end of the mammogram, I found myself asking the Radiologist to repeat what she had just said because I had not understood a word, and she said…  “We think….. You Have Cancer”.  Somewhere, sometime after that, she went on to say that I would need 3 biopsies to confirm.  We would need to biopsy the tumor itself, the Lymph nodes, and the Calcium deposits.  Next thing I remember, I’m sitting in my MiniVan calling my Mom to tell her what I had just heard, and then calling my boss to fill him in.  Not really the second person I would have chosen to call, but I just wasn’t sure how long it was going to take me to drive the 4 miles back to work in my state.

A MERE 7, anxiety ridden days later, on Friday September 3^rd 2010 I found myself stuck in traffic on my way to the scheduled Core Needle Biopsy ,   http://www.imaginis.com/breast-health-biopsy/core-needle-biopsy  or......Living Hell.  It was very cool that my friend Lisa had offered to meet me there at the waiting room (very insightful of her) because she had made it on time, so I was able to call her and they were able to let the desk know I was on my way.  That helped calm me.  During the Biopsies and ultrasound, they would not allow anyone into the room, which, in retrospect was pretty mean, but probably a good thing that no one who knows me was there to witness this torture.   Lisa ended up leaving, going for a run, and making it back to meet me for a really nice lunch at the Outdoor French Café’ across the street.   Fortunately, it took her a few minutes to park and this had given me a chance to call my close friend Cindy to tell her what had been going on, and had given my tears some time to dry up before going into the nice restaurant (with my ice pack on my chest).  To this day, I believe this to be the most painful procedure I’ve had done yet for this cancer treatment.

Within 2 weeks, on 9/15/2010 I was lying on a surgical table (with my supine resting heart rate, 37….which was normal for me at the time…running 40 to 50 miles a week), prepping to have the port-a-cath for the chemotherapy, surgically implanted. This time, my friend Cindy was by my side, and they let her sit there for everything that I was awake for.  Compared to the biopsies, I remember thinking this was like a day at the spa with a friend.   We had some really good laughs, and got to catch up.   I’m pretty sure I started blogging around this time, so most of the rest has been documented.  24 weeks of chemo, baldness, neuropathies, menopause, fatigue, mastectomy, drain tubes, radiation, etc.  

One thing that I did not blog about at the time, (because I didn’t yet have my blog…I was only doing emails) was my haircut prior to my hair falling out.  I’m gonna do that now, because today I had my first haircut (not counting the Shaving) since that day September 29, 2010.  Really this is more of a photo op, but, since I’m currently going through some self-confidence issues in the looks department, and since I found myself showing these photos to the girl who just cut my hair to prove that I used to have pretty hair and look like a girl, that I would go ahead and show the rest of the world.

This is what my hair looked like on the day after first chemo.

I had it cut shorter because they told me it was going to fall out in 2 weeks. 

They were right, so i had it shaved once it started to fall out.

My hair before the haircut when it was still looking cute. Trust me it was getting funky.

Next Weekend, Saturday August 27 is my “You Have Cancerversary”.  In typical Emily fashion, I did not realize this until it was much too late to schedule anything fun for myself.  While my best friend will be lounging by an infinity pool only miles away, and my husband will be recording some badass song in the recording studio, I will be caring for my children and assisting Adaline in pony riding at an outdoor birthday party for 6 year olds between 3-5 pm.  I’m pretty sure the forecast is over 105 degrees.  While intitially this sounds uncomfortable, things are relative.  It sure beats what I did last year on August 27.  It will be a good day, and i will celebrate inside :) Other sweaty parents at the party may even wonder why i have a smile on my face.   And, at least this haircut will come in handy there.

Oh God, Not a Harp! or....$12 Salad

Today is Herceptin chemo day.  That in itself is enough to make me grumpy, and perhaps why I do feel extra grumpy today.  But now, even more so since I’m having trouble blogging due to this obnoxious harp music in my head.  How could a harp make someone irritable or angry?  Is it wrong for me to speak for (I’d think at least some) cancer patients, that just because we are bald and or in chemo, doesn’t mean we will all enjoy being held captive and forced to listen to a harp?  I’m going to venture out to even say it could even make some people sad, or feel creepy, or, as in my case, more irritable.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUYXKxBSg0g


 I’m bummed that I am feeling grumpy today, because despite not feeling well for the better part of two weeks after my last Herceptin, I was beginning to feel pretty decent the past week, and have been really feeling happy for the most part or the past 3 weeks.  Just happy in general.  Happy  to be alive, getting back to training, and even to work.    I think maybe I’m experiencing a small emotional dip due to feeling very happy for a pretty long time and then having to come back here to this place(GAP GawdAwfulPlace). My hair is getting a bit whacky, and now this harp music.   Is that ...We wish you a Merry Christmas?..
  It’s a cycle I guess.

On the good news end of things: I’ve lost 2.5 lbs of my “Breast Cancer Weight”.  ( I can’t remember now if I told that story, but at one point near the end of my 24 weeks of Hard chemo, I was speaking to the Radiation Oncologist’s Nurse, complaining about a 3 lb weight gain, and she said…..”that’s nothing”, “All Breast Cancer Patients get fat.”  If I did tell the story, then I must have mentioned how thank Goodness they did say that to me right after... “You have Cancer”. ) No, I’m not counting the 1.5 lbs of actual breast and/or tumor lost.  I was starting with the weight after surgery. J.  In the past, 2 weeks, I’ve been able to ride my bike for 3.5 hours twice, including a slightly modified version of the (50 mile) DaM loop that Richie and I have done for years and is sort of a benchmark for me ( Modified to 46 miles).  I haven’t been able to do that since at least November of 2010.   I ran over 6.5 miles in one run (7 miles) for the first time since the week before my surgery in March.  I'm able to do up to 20 push-ups again (still difficult and uneven but doing) and I’ve been eating a salad, much like this one 

That is actually a piece of Kale on the bottom left for those unfamiliar.

almost every day at lunch, and I’m still into it.  My secret is that I’ve been going to Whole Foods (mostly), or Central market (secondarily) and allowing myself to get WHATEVER I WANT off of the salad bar.  It’s mostly a secret though, because my husband, who I won’t name, would probably die if he knew this. ($$)  I figure my secret is safe here though.  I've also had the time to "Juice" a few more times.  Outside of the Juice actually being O.K. and making me feel pretty healthy, i've gotton a lot of kicks out of it.  First of all the word "Juicing" is hilarious. Secondly, it is simply amazing the things that you can get juice out of.  The best moment, though, was when i was in the actual process of juicing some Kale, and some guy came to our door trying to raise money for the cause to improve the American diet.  A cause, i am normally very interested in supporting, however at that very moment my first thought was....Aren't i doing enough?....I'm Juicing (and about to drink the juice of) Kale for Godsake's. :)

The other obvious great thing is that,while i'm NOT a fan of the summer schedule, or of this severe heat, i have gotton to spend some real fun times with my kids.  I really do have cute kids.

     

Worlds Collide: Pre-3G, 3G; Before Cancer, Since Cancer

It’s been 10 days since my last Herceptin treatment.  It’s been good in many ways, and, as you might have guessed (cough….Ballotable) challenging in many ways.  I’m back to work, and things are going well.  I’ve done some patient lifts and my arm has not fallen off.  Of note, however, is that my “core is VERY weak!”.  I’d forgotten I had muscles in the lower pelvic region.  Despite that, it actually feels good in many ways to get back to work.  Also, last Tuesday….Herceptin Day, was what I've started calling my official Day 1 of my 7.5 month training plan for the 50 mile trail run that I want to do in March. I’ve been working up to this Day 1 for a while, mind you.  I called it “Day 1” because it was my first day back to my Tuesday morning running group.  It was very fun to be back in the group environment even though it made it very obvious that I have a long way to go in my fitness. Day 1 felt pretty good.  The run was in the morning before my Herceptin treatment.  Then, things started to go downhill a bit.  I’ve not been feeling well, throughout the better part of the past 10 days.  I’ve been concerned that the Tamoxifen has been causing this general malaise feeling.  In some ways I really want to blame it on that, but it is difficult to clearly know what to point the finger at, when everything is taken into consideration.  It’s true that my Hot Flashes are back, full on, due to the Tamoxifen, and are interrupting my sleep again.  It’s also true, however, that each of my offspring has had an illness in the past week and a half. The boy with what I was calling the “snuggle fever”, my favorite of all childhood illnesses, up until the projectile vomit got all over me and the kitchen. The girl simply had the loose stool.   It’s also true that with me being in week one of training mode, being fat and simply out of shape,  just getting back to work,  and it being over 100 degrees here every day, it is very possible that I’ve overdone myself. 

 I called my oncologist’s nurse practitioner yesterday to discuss these ill feelings and my (continued) fear of the Tamoxifen.  When she returned my call today, she mentioned that that the Herceptin “can cause flu like symptoms, but they usually only last a couple of days.” ( AH HA!!  I knew that Herceptin was not just nothing like they had originally told me!!). http://www.herceptin.com/metastatic/breast-cancer-treatment/side-effects.js  She feels that my ill feelings have probably been a combination of the Herceptin, plus possibly having mild forms of my kids’ illnesses and not the Tamoxifen.  I did not mention to her that I also wrecked my car on the way to my Sunday run due to taking directions from my iPhone to the nearest gas station: to get gas because I was on empty, and to get water for my run because I was already thirsty.

 I did not mention that I did not make it to the gas station, because… A.) I KNEW in my GUT that there was NOT a gas station where my beloved iPhone said it was, and,  B.) Had I gone to the next station, I would not have made it to the run.  (The LUCKY :) thing about the wreck was that the guy that I wrecked into was very nice and was actually on his way to a group bike ride!) I also did not mention that it was very possible that I got overheated and dehydrated on that 1.5 hour HILLY Sunday trail run, (with no water of my own…I only had Cytomax which does NOT help when one is thirsty! A really nice guy did donate a few swigs of his water to me though) and that it was very possible that I was over trained (too much too soon).   So, anyway, I took Thursday as a rest day, when normally, I would run, and I completed 3 hours of a juice fast.  and purchased a juicer. http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/  It was really amazing how much better I felt after that detox.   I might just try a whole day. :)

It is sometimes surreal when you have an awareness that you are experiencing life today in both the perspective of a BEFORE and an AFTER, a certain life changing event.  All of us can identify events that have changed our lives, or changed us in many ways. For example, most people, whether we plan on it or not, change (over time in many ways) after having children.  I know, I personally call the time before kids… “B.K.”  for…yes, you got it….. I also know that I changed in many ways after Adaline was born, due to the circumstances of her birth…which I’ve mentioned at length in other posts.  What’s weird or surreal about THIS event, for me, right now, is that I’ve been away/out, for a while and I’ve recently made an abrupt re-entry back into my same old life.  Back to work and running.  I suppose it is obvious on the outside that I am different physically (the hair and the uniboob :)  but, I usually forget what I look like, and in so many ways, I feel that I’m carrying around a secret.  The secret about what I’ve been through over the past 11 months.  The secret that I am now a different person, but other people don't, and can’t really know.  

The other day, at my running group I was doing my "first" track workout.  It was a poignant scene for me because this workout was the exact same first track workout that I did back in 2005 in my very first running group. "Straights and curves".  To further add meaning to the situation, the girl (49 year old woman) that I was running this workout with, had been my Coach back in 2005,  on that very first day, for the very same workout 6 years ago.  Here I was now, doing the very same thing.... but I've changed.  In a surreal way it was like there were 3 of us there running.  My old self of 2005/Pre-Cancer, my new self, and my running friend, Carolyn.   During this dreamlike scenario, i imagined my two worlds/selves ( Before Cancer and Since Cancer)  coming together with a clash, or colliding.  It was quick and kind of awkward, but painless. Much like my car collision days prior.