The past few weeks has been quite a "BALLOTABLE" time period. ( I'm now using this word to describe ups and downs, or periods of mixed or unsteady emotions.) Last week I blogged about my toenail while I was processing the situation.
I'll start with my last Doctor's appointment/Herceptin chemo treatment 3 weeks ago. At that visit the doctor started me on the Tamoxifen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamoxifen. Short exerpt from the blog that week:
I am scheduled to be on this drug for 5 years. Sounds overwhelming, especially when the doctor and the pharmacist review the side effects…” some people just don’t feel good…” said the doctor. “Like what”, I said… ”well, it could be a whole host of things…you’d have to go to the PDR (Physician’s Desk Reference) to see them all”, he says…”Greeaat”, I thought to myself. Of particular note is the possible WORSENING HOT FLASHES, Increased Risk for Blood clots and therefore possible pulmonary embolism which could lead to death, increased risk of endometriosis and endometrial…you guessed it…CANCER.
Due to the above, i began to have some severe anxiety about taking this drug, and i did what I have kept myself from doing for the past 7 months, or so.......GOOGLING! I continued to become increasingly upset about the cancer risk and the worsening hot flashes, especially in the light that my previously HORRENDOUS HOT FLASHES had pretty much subsided. Due to this stopping of the HHFs, i figured that i was now POST Menapausal. This assumption heightened my skepticism about the Tamoxifen being the right drug for me. I also began to think about how, up to this point, all of the chemo drugs (toxins) i had taken so far had been administered by someone else. I've mentioned many times before that I've had an extreme aversion reaction to the chemo drugs and the cancer treatment building. While i understand on one level that these drugs (were and) are saving my life, there is just an animal instinct that i have that tells me it is NOT good for me. But, for those drugs there were appointments, doctors, nurses, and family and friends, all there supporting this act of me taking these drugs. This time, i began to realize, it would be up to me to administer this "toxin", all on my own and i just wasn't sure i could do it. I decided to take a week to think about the drug and to try calling the oncologists office to get some more encouragement to go ahead and take the drug. During this "break" week, i began feeling not only anxioius, but also very randomly emotional. This emotionality was upsetting me and confusing me at the same time. Considering the cancer and everything, i've been surprisingly, and notedly level (even keel, if you will) emotionally for the past 9 months. My severe HOT flashes had replaced any emotional ups and downs i MIGHT have had in years past. But, my hot flashes had diminished drastically since the end of radiation, and I was actually starting to feel a bit more normal with increased energy levels at times due to slowly rising blood counts. So, why now, have i thought to myself for the first time in over 9 months..."Does HE (Richie) REALLY love me". It had all been so clear, and i'd believed it without a doubt for the past 9 months that he DID. On the second night of having this thought of doubt creep into my head, i woke in the middle of the night crying. VERY odd. I can't really even remember the last time i cried. (Oh, yes. I did cry the night before my mastectomy.) Probably about 1/2 of you have already figured out where this is headed. YES. The morning after i woke crying, I was gushingly informed that I was PRE-MENAPAUSAL AGAIN!! DAMN IT!!! It now all made sense. The increased anxiety, the emotional lability, and later that evening, my moment of creative genius which borne unto it a new spectacular dessert that i named "caudled chocolate".
It's as if i've been given a looking glass (what is that anyway?) that has allowed me to see the menstrual cycle from both sides. It's almost creepy. It's like a Twilight Zone Episode. A woman moves in and out of inexplicable emotional zones. A given scene plays out over and again with different emotional angles, or, emotional stability, portrayed. The emotional stability zone (Menapause) teaches her how to better view and understand the other zones when she returns.
Back to Ballotable. My menstural Cycle bounced back, and I, of course, had MIXED feelings about it. Part of me felt good to be home again, part of me was/is very frightened that these hormones that we've spent the better part of the past year killing, are back, and part of me is upset that now i'll have to go through the Menapause Again....very possibly on a continual basis for the next 5 years.
Now, back up to today. I'm back to the GawdAwful Place (GAP for those who follow closely). Things went well today. The nurse practitioner was not upset that my period started. She was happy with the range of motion I'd gained in my arm. My white cell counts are back to normal range and my reds are getting closer. I've been taking the Tamoxifen for about 2 weeks and seem to be "tolerating" it OK so far. I discussed my plans to run a 50 miler in March with the Nurse Practioner in order to make sure that she did not think it would be a problem medically and she said it would be fine. I said, "I know it seems a bit extreme, but, it's just that these were my plans prior to breast cancer". She said ... "I expected nothing less from you". :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
New Beginnings
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| The toenail discoloration on both photos is from the Taxol. Also note the splotchyness of the skin. These photowas were taken 2 months after the last Taxol Treatment! |
The blacktoe last time (from the marathon running), looked pretty similiar to the black toe shown here on the left (even though initially more bloody). In 2007 I kept the toenail hanging on literally by a "hang-nail" in order to have protection for the toe during the next marathon i had planned for 2 months later....THE Boston Marathon.
Due to my familiarity with this situation, i did the same thing this time around. Once i knew the nail was no longer actually alive/attached, i just kept it hanging on with skin. The new nail finally pushed the dead one off, just last week (first photo). It was a bit traumatic for me, due to it's disgusting nature, until i realized what it represented for me.
Last time around (2007) the loss of my toenail was due to a very exciting cause. Running my Boston Qualifying Marathon And the Boston itself! The time during re-growth, after these runs, was also a time of excitement and wonderful new becoming pregnant with my baby boy Ace. My nail grew in and my sweet baby boy was born. A new life.
This time around, my nails and feet were damaged from the toxins of chemotherapy. Not as glorious a cause as running a Boston Qualifying Marathon, however, a cause far outweighing the loss of a toenail! As this nail grows, I will be on the path to regaining my own life, health, and fitness. Monday morning I begin my new job (with my old company). I am excited. It’s a feeling almost like returning to school after summer break. This week will mark the official beginning of my training for a 50 mile trail race that i have chosen to run on Saturday, March 3rd. Nueces 50 miler. I have chosen this race due to the fact that it is a 3 loop course. I figured that if anything happened to me medically, this would be safer than being stuck at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. This new focus and new schedule is now an exciting new beginning for me.
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| This morning, during my morning jog, I saw these 2 huge birds just sitting on this tree with their wings outstretched. Absolutely still. Not moving at all. Just sitting there, wings spread, prepared to fly :). |
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Austin Running Groups Provide
Many of you are already aware that the article in Austin Fit Magazine came out this month.
It is a pretty good article, despite my personal let down in a couple of areas. Foremost, being that the hard copy magazine of the article incorrectly named one of my road running coaches as the coach my trail group, and left out the trail running coach, and my trail running friends all together. Sorry guys! I was dissapointed also, that the girl who interviewed me said that the article that i wrote would actually be in the magazine. It wasn't, but some quotes were taken from it. The article was incorrect when it said that i did not miss any Tuesdays in the 24 week period of chemo, except once for the flu. It is true that I only missed one Tuesday due to the flu during the 12 weeks of Taxol treatment, but I definately missed 1-2 Tuesdays each 3 week period during the 12 weeks of every 3 Week Adriamycin, Cytoxin treatment. Some weeks I could barely walk by the first Tuesday after treatment. I believe I did make it to at least every 3rd Tuesday, though. Part of my being able to miss the least amount possible was due to how I had arranged my schedule. Due to the fact that me making it to these workouts was a priority, I actually scheduled my chemo on Tuesday mornings.... After my runs. So, Tuesdays would mostly land the furthest point from any treatment.
Here is the article I had written back in January and sent in to Austin Fit Magazine. I had hoped they would publish this article as a way to thank everyone involved in these awesome running groups, promote these inspirational coaches, and to point out how poeple can gain different inspirations and benefits from different, yet similar situations. I'll post what i wrote first, then you'll see the link to the Austin Fit Article titled "Inspiration."
Oh yes, the other thing was that when the assistant editor told me that they were going to use my idea for the Inspiration issue, i was very excited because i thought that they were going to use my article, and do a lay out of the three running groups/coaches i mentioned.....which was my idea/point. When they ended up using me as one of the inspirational persons, it was a bit awkward (even though it was pretty fun). Even at the last minute, at the photo shoot, I was really expecting, Joe Prusaitis (Tejas Trails), Gilbert Tuhabonye (Gilbert's Gazelle's), and Steve Sisson and John Schrup (Rogue) to be there for a group photo. That would have been so cool. Oh well, it exists in my head.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Austin Running Groups Provide
Now that I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and am undergoing chemotherapy I've had the chance (time during infusions, blood draws and drug induced bed rest) to reflect on what these three Austin running groups have given me, in the past, and even now, as they continue to provide support above anything expected, and likely beyond what they are aware. They are each led by local icons, whose personal stories and running resumes have brought this, and I'm sure many other runners, and readers, to tears. Each group has a strong sense of community and respect for individualism, and each has provided, for many, the motivation and skill required to complete and even excel at difficult tasks including marathons, ultra-marathons and life.
Four months after my healthy sweet baby boy Ace Henry “Selby” Howell was born, I returned to a Rogue Austin marathon group beginning in September 2007, which met only 2 times per week versus the 3 times per week of The Gazelles. I felt this would better fit into my schedule with a nursing newborn, a 3 year old in a wheelchair, and a full time job as a Physical Therapist (I know, ironic). I joined this group with no real goals other than to get back to running with no intention of making any more friends. I had already made many very close friends from the Rogue Moms and then The Gazelles. But what do you know, but people in this group made their way into my life and onto my list of friends (before Facebook), even best of friends. This group did indeed get me back to running and was the springboard for more to come. My injury that season due to my overzealous attempt to return to "fast" pace running, which I blame on my speedy weight loss with the combination of nursing and distance running, lead me to seek out a way to continue running, and recover from injury, simultaneously. My first thought was…. How about shorter distances? But, I quickly realized that shorter distances would just make me want to run faster. What I felt I needed now was slower running... How about trail running? I had heard it was difficult to run a fast pace on a trail. I was a bit afraid of what would happen with my weak ankles, but later learned that this variety in surfaces was just what I needed, and that I was even good at it.
I found my golden nut during my glorious 10 months of trail running just prior to my diagnosis of breast cancer. During this time I completed my first “ultra”-marathon, achieved 4 top ten female finishes, and even one first place female (top 4 overall). What a thrill for me, coming off of road running where, for me, the only “competition” was against my own self, or the clock.
As I trained for specific trail races with Tejas Trails, I had also simultaneously stayed on with my road running and by certain chance found myself training with the Team Rogue group coached directly by Steve Sisson. For some reason, to my benefit, TR allowed me to attend 1x per week out of their scheduled 3x per week. This was the perfect complement to my schedule, and I got to continue to hang out and run with good friends and motivated people. I also got to continue to benefit from coaching ideas and motivational words by Steve, even though primarily from the sidelines. "Relentless Forward Progress". Words once used by Steve to describe what should be part of one’s race plan when running a 100 mile trail race. I love those words, and have taken them on as my personal motto. I hope also to have the chance again one day to perseverate on these words during another Ultra Run of my own.
What's sort of funny now, is that, other than living and enjoying life, simply continuing to show up for my Tuesday morning group run is one of the goals I have. What's more interesting is that, while I am (I believe) the only person in the group currently going through chemotherapy, and not even training for a race, the new and current Team Rogue coach, John Schrup, (who met me only months prior to my diagnosis) treats me with interest equaled to that of the fastest runner, or those with the most potential. I believe that he understands me, and what I need to continue my push toward relentless forward progress.
Emily Selby Howell 1.24.11
___________________________________________________________________________________
Here's the link to the Austin Fit Article online:
http://www.austinfitmagazine.com/latest
One additional interesting note is that after the interview, i found out that Relentless Forward Progress is actually already a book written as a guide to ultrarunning. I've purchased it and i'm about half way through.
Here's a review of the book:
http://running.competitor.com/2011/04/features/book-review-relentless-forward-progress_24965
It is a pretty good article, despite my personal let down in a couple of areas. Foremost, being that the hard copy magazine of the article incorrectly named one of my road running coaches as the coach my trail group, and left out the trail running coach, and my trail running friends all together. Sorry guys! I was dissapointed also, that the girl who interviewed me said that the article that i wrote would actually be in the magazine. It wasn't, but some quotes were taken from it. The article was incorrect when it said that i did not miss any Tuesdays in the 24 week period of chemo, except once for the flu. It is true that I only missed one Tuesday due to the flu during the 12 weeks of Taxol treatment, but I definately missed 1-2 Tuesdays each 3 week period during the 12 weeks of every 3 Week Adriamycin, Cytoxin treatment. Some weeks I could barely walk by the first Tuesday after treatment. I believe I did make it to at least every 3rd Tuesday, though. Part of my being able to miss the least amount possible was due to how I had arranged my schedule. Due to the fact that me making it to these workouts was a priority, I actually scheduled my chemo on Tuesday mornings.... After my runs. So, Tuesdays would mostly land the furthest point from any treatment.
Here is the article I had written back in January and sent in to Austin Fit Magazine. I had hoped they would publish this article as a way to thank everyone involved in these awesome running groups, promote these inspirational coaches, and to point out how poeple can gain different inspirations and benefits from different, yet similar situations. I'll post what i wrote first, then you'll see the link to the Austin Fit Article titled "Inspiration."
Oh yes, the other thing was that when the assistant editor told me that they were going to use my idea for the Inspiration issue, i was very excited because i thought that they were going to use my article, and do a lay out of the three running groups/coaches i mentioned.....which was my idea/point. When they ended up using me as one of the inspirational persons, it was a bit awkward (even though it was pretty fun). Even at the last minute, at the photo shoot, I was really expecting, Joe Prusaitis (Tejas Trails), Gilbert Tuhabonye (Gilbert's Gazelle's), and Steve Sisson and John Schrup (Rogue) to be there for a group photo. That would have been so cool. Oh well, it exists in my head.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Now that I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer and am undergoing chemotherapy I've had the chance (time during infusions, blood draws and drug induced bed rest) to reflect on what these three Austin running groups have given me, in the past, and even now, as they continue to provide support above anything expected, and likely beyond what they are aware. They are each led by local icons, whose personal stories and running resumes have brought this, and I'm sure many other runners, and readers, to tears. Each group has a strong sense of community and respect for individualism, and each has provided, for many, the motivation and skill required to complete and even excel at difficult tasks including marathons, ultra-marathons and life.
This is part of my story:
In 2003, my beautiful daughter Adaline was unexpectedly born with severe brain damage leading to a life of cerebral palsy, dependent care, and seizures. Once I surfaced from the depths of 2 years of sadness, I joined the Rogue Moms marathon group for the 2005-2006 Austin Marathon Training season and what would be my first marathon. This group, led by Steve Sisson (bios: http://www.roguerunning.com/aboutus_bios.php , http://www.texassports.com/sports/w-xc/mtt/sisson_stephen00.html) , and more directly coached by Carolyn Mangold taught me that I could live again, be happy, and enjoy friends and personal goals. It also taught me that i could even thrive utilizing the methodological progression of fitness.When the Mom's group split up I followed one of my closest new mom friends, Lisa, over to Gilbert's Gazelles, where my goal was to qualify for the Boston Marathon. (Check out this bio on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_Tuhabonye ) But, what I learned was the importance of heart, courage, and the safety and momentum of a pack. Not to mention the benefit of a strong “core”. This group, led by Gilbert Tuhabonye himself, provided me with the ability to Boston qualify, and more importantly, the courage to attempt to have a second child which my husband and I were able to do, 13 months after my running of "the Boston". I will always credit this Gazelles group for my ability to conceive "of" my second child.
Four months after my healthy sweet baby boy Ace Henry “Selby” Howell was born, I returned to a Rogue Austin marathon group beginning in September 2007, which met only 2 times per week versus the 3 times per week of The Gazelles. I felt this would better fit into my schedule with a nursing newborn, a 3 year old in a wheelchair, and a full time job as a Physical Therapist (I know, ironic). I joined this group with no real goals other than to get back to running with no intention of making any more friends. I had already made many very close friends from the Rogue Moms and then The Gazelles. But what do you know, but people in this group made their way into my life and onto my list of friends (before Facebook), even best of friends. This group did indeed get me back to running and was the springboard for more to come. My injury that season due to my overzealous attempt to return to "fast" pace running, which I blame on my speedy weight loss with the combination of nursing and distance running, lead me to seek out a way to continue running, and recover from injury, simultaneously. My first thought was…. How about shorter distances? But, I quickly realized that shorter distances would just make me want to run faster. What I felt I needed now was slower running... How about trail running? I had heard it was difficult to run a fast pace on a trail. I was a bit afraid of what would happen with my weak ankles, but later learned that this variety in surfaces was just what I needed, and that I was even good at it.
This quest for running with a decreased focus on pace, and increased focus on less injury led me to my entrance into the unknown world of trail running, and my joining of Tejas Trails. This group being led by Joe Prusaitis, one of Austin’s most seasoned trail, and ultra-runners (Please refer to his impressive ultra bio http://www.tejastrails.com/docs/JoeBio.html ) and assisted by Robert Heynen. When I joined this group and this new world I had no idea what I was doing. I was actually even confused most of the time, but found myself feeling very excited by the environment and the new challenges. Ironically, and to my very pleasant surprise I found out that my good friend Lisa, whom I had followed from the Mom’s to The Gazelles, and with whom I had not run in 2 years, due to life circumstances, was also joining the Tejas Trails in order to train for the Bandera 50K!
This group, Tejas Trails, whose race plans may as easily be based on effort levels and scientific nutrition facts, as they could be based on the random gathering success of a "blind squirrel" (inside joke), gave me the ability to truly open my eyes during a run, and enjoy the thrill of taking it all in, even while at times running completely out of control.I found my golden nut during my glorious 10 months of trail running just prior to my diagnosis of breast cancer. During this time I completed my first “ultra”-marathon, achieved 4 top ten female finishes, and even one first place female (top 4 overall). What a thrill for me, coming off of road running where, for me, the only “competition” was against my own self, or the clock.
As I trained for specific trail races with Tejas Trails, I had also simultaneously stayed on with my road running and by certain chance found myself training with the Team Rogue group coached directly by Steve Sisson. For some reason, to my benefit, TR allowed me to attend 1x per week out of their scheduled 3x per week. This was the perfect complement to my schedule, and I got to continue to hang out and run with good friends and motivated people. I also got to continue to benefit from coaching ideas and motivational words by Steve, even though primarily from the sidelines. "Relentless Forward Progress". Words once used by Steve to describe what should be part of one’s race plan when running a 100 mile trail race. I love those words, and have taken them on as my personal motto. I hope also to have the chance again one day to perseverate on these words during another Ultra Run of my own.
What's sort of funny now, is that, other than living and enjoying life, simply continuing to show up for my Tuesday morning group run is one of the goals I have. What's more interesting is that, while I am (I believe) the only person in the group currently going through chemotherapy, and not even training for a race, the new and current Team Rogue coach, John Schrup, (who met me only months prior to my diagnosis) treats me with interest equaled to that of the fastest runner, or those with the most potential. I believe that he understands me, and what I need to continue my push toward relentless forward progress.
Emily Selby Howell 1.24.11
Here's the link to the Austin Fit Article online:
http://www.austinfitmagazine.com/latest
One additional interesting note is that after the interview, i found out that Relentless Forward Progress is actually already a book written as a guide to ultrarunning. I've purchased it and i'm about half way through.
Here's a review of the book:
http://running.competitor.com/2011/04/features/book-review-relentless-forward-progress_24965
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